Rough week in CLADville

As I mentioned yesterday, Joni spent most of last week in the hospital. She had been having a lot of pain in her hip, and last week it simply got to be too much. A x-ray made her doctor send her right into the hospital. After a MRI it was shown that Joni has a crushed vertebrae. They gave her a shot in her back that seems to be helping a great deal. Hopefully this is the ticket, if not, we are looking at surgery for our Baam.

Baylee is CLAD’s beloved 7 year old Rotweiller.

She is a totally awesome dog. Loves to have Delaney crawl all over her. Waits patiently for food to fall from the table. Loves to eat the fireworks for the 4th of July!

When CLAD picked her up from the kennel on Monday, she was hardly walking. Baylee already has some arthritis in her hips, and now she was putting even less weight on her back leg. Lyz took her to the vet yesterday morning and found that Baylee has a large cancerous tumor in her bones. Baylee will be very very spoiled for the next two months. She is on pain medication, and a strict diet of what ever she wants to make her time left with all of us perfect.

Last year I asked for warm thoughts for Chris’s dad Delmar as he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Yesterday Chris got the call that Delmar has a large tumor in his leg bone. It has not been 100% determined that it is cancer, but in all likelihood…

Please send lots of love and healing wishes to my dearest CLAD, Joni, Delmar and Baylee. This has not been a good week.


My favorite ointments

In my head I may or may not refer to Avery and Delaney as the ointments. Why? First, their names are A&D. Second, because they heal all sorts of pains ❤

Thursday afternoon they were dropped off at our house with a semi-truck full of fun stuff!! They were all ours until Sunday morning. (No, Lyz and Chris don't rent their kids out on weekends, they were taking a mom&dad only vacation and we volunteered to play with the ointments)

Did we ever have fun? Thursday night we went to Jenn's softball game. We played on the playground, ate snacks and cheered on the team.

Friday we went and picked up Baam (she had been in the hospital all week…more on that to come) and headed out for dinner.
Mmmmm noodles:

After we dropped Baam off, we headed back to our place for play, baths and a movie. Apparently Delaney was still hungry.

Then we all snuggled up into bed and watched Alice in Wonderland (Disney’s version!)

Saturday was jam packed! Jenn and the ointments played at home (games such as super spy and antm-Why do they call it a runway when you walk down it?) and then picked me up at work for our busy afternoon. First we headed to Jenn’s cousin Diana’s graduation party. Everyone thought the girls were just too cute, and Avery had a blast trading Silly Bands with Jenn’s cousin Maura.

Then we went and picked up Baam and headed over to one of the local outlet malls for their annual fireworks. This has become a big tradition for Jenn and I. We meet my favorite hotel guests and bring food and have a picnic!! We filled our space this year. It was: Baam, Diane, Timmy, Jenn, Mike, Kayleigh, Laylah, Jenn, Avery, Delaney and Me!!! A few pictures:

By the time we got home both girls were completely passed out, and slept not only through the whole night, but didn’t wake up until 7:30am on Sunday morning. I had been using them for an alarm clock, as they are usually up by 6, so I was a little late for work. After Jenn dropped me off she took the girls over to Grammy and Grampy’s. I arrived home to a quiet house, that seemed quite empty…and I took a well deserved nap!!

This picture here sums up what I have wanted out of life:
Fun with A&D 6/24-27/10
I love the mess!!!


The other morning I was driving to work screeching singing along to one of my favorite songs. It got me to thinking about what I consider my top 5 favorite songs. When I figured them out I noticed a trend.

My top five favorite songs are all linked to “a great love of my life”.

In chronologiacal order (not the order of how much I love (or loved in one case):

1-Somebody by Depeche Mode-Sam.

I can tell you that I was 14 years old. He used to always complain about that. Even when I was older and he was on his mission, he wrote me a letter about one of the young ladies that he converted was 14. “Why do they always have to be 14?” he asked. And you may say, but you were only 14? How could this be a true great love? He was. His name is Sam and I loved him for 4 years. He was my first kiss, alone at church early one morning standing in the cultural hall. He was my first love. While he was on his mission and I was in Idaho we would write to each other three or four times a week. By the end of that year I was hardly writing to him at all. I had met Jenn.

When he came home from his mission, in fact the night before he left for Idaho, I went over to his house to help him pack. We laid on his bed together snuggling, and then he bent down and kissed me. I will admit it was one of the most powerful kisses I have ever had. Why? Because I felt nothing. My heart had been torn in two directions for so long and I didn’t know which way to go, but that kiss answered it. I knew where and who my heart belonged to. I cried when I left his house that night. I knew that my heart made a decision that would make my life difficult in the years to come. I knew that this decision was going to hurt other people that I love. I also knew that I had never felt so happy or free.

2-Lullabye by Billy Joel-Blue. (yes, Blue came after the later songs, but I loved the song and my future children the first time I heard it.)

I was sitting in my Uncle Kevin and Aunt Bridget’s apartment playing on his computer. It was 1993, computers were still pretty foreign to me. He put this cd in to show me something about memory and how amazing cd’s are. When this song came on I became very quiet. This is the song I will someday sing to my children. This is the song that I will rock them to sleep with. This is the song that they will sing to their children to rock them to sleep, because their mother sang it to them.

3-Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler-Frances

To look back on who I loved with this song I think I also have to admit she was my first girl crush. To protect her identity I shall call her Frances. When I first met her, I can honestly say that I hated her. She and Sam got along well too. The summer between my junior and senior years of high school something clicked and we became inseparable. I remember my other best friend at the time calling when she got home from vacation and asking me if anything big had happened while she was gone. Yep, the speed dial button that used to say Sam now says Frances. She was shocked.

Frances is now that friend that no matter how long it has been since we have talked, we can pick up the phone and call and text and it is just the same as it has always been.

4-From This Moment On-Shania Twain and Bryan White-Jenn

Jenn is a huge Shania Twain fan. We bought this cd the day it came out. I can remember listening to it in our very first apartment. When this song came on we both looked at each other. This is our song. We danced in the living room to it several times. It became the theme of our wedding. It was engraved in Jenn’s wedding ring. On long road trips the cd always gets played and we sing it duet style, I sing for Shania, Jenn sings for Bryan, and we hold hands. All we need is just the two of us!

5- I’ll Stand By You by The Pretenders-Lyz.

This song I can date. June 19, 2008. A cd came in the care package Lyz left on our doorstep on Blue’s due date. When I saw the cd I thought how sweet. Later in the day as we drove to meet Lyz for dinner, I put the cd in. Have you ever really listened to the words? Yes, you probably know all the words, but have you ever really listened to their meaning? It is am amazing song. It is Lyz’s and mine’s song. It empowers me. If I am having a hard day, I throw it in my cd player and belt it out while driving home. It makes me cry, but in a good way. I know that Lyz is singing those words to me, standing by me.

Road Trip: Baltimore, MD

Sunday morning we met over at CLAD’s to head out to Baltimore for the day. First stop: Pick up Joni. Once there we finally told Avery what we were going to do.

The piece of paper we are showing her has pictures from Storytime Live, a Nickelodeon show that we went to see at the Hippodrome Theatre!! (Note Lyz even dressed her in a Kai Lan shirt!!)

We started out the day with lunch at Hard Rock Cafe. They must be hurting for money because our server kept trying to sell us everything!! Stuff off the walls, specials we had no interest in, you name it, he tried to sell it to us. But we still had fun and enjoyed our food.

Then it was off for a walk around the harbor. Hot!!!

(please notice my deathgrip on Avery’s hand…Lyz was not thrilled with Avery being that close to the water.)

(see, her eyes are closed!!)

A Day Out in Baltimore 6/20/10

Then we drove through the area looking for Charm City Cakes..found it!

And also found strip row

Then it was time to head to the theatre! But, they are VERY picky about their picture taking rules, so I only have one to offer:

The show was very fun. Avery loved every minute of the first half. She spent most of the second half worrying because it was going to end soon, but still loving it. Delaney watched it like it was crack on stage. We all looked to her right as the Dora part of the show started, since she really loves her some Dora, but her expression didn’t change. She was just staring at the stage in amazement. Five minutes into the Dora part she took a huge deep breath and yelled “DOOOOOORAAAAHHHHH!!!!” Too Cute!!

Once the show was over we headed home. All of us sweaty, tired and happy. Once again a successful road trip!

Getting our Pride on

Saturday afternoon we headed out to Pride of Lancaster 2010. Lyz, Avery and Delaney met us there. After a 20 minute long parallel parking experiment, we were on our way.

It was a very very hot day. I would like to petition all of the gays to please change Pride month to October, or March. Hot, Humid and Hazy=melty Heidi. We still managed to have some fun.

This is the second Pride that Avery has gone to. She knows what gay means and in this has shown me that our acceptance and tolerance of the things around us are very much learned traits. When you ask Avery what gay means, she will tell you it is when two people of the same sex get married. She will then add that girls married is good, boys married seems silly. Hmmm…we must need to introduce Avery to more gay men!

At her first Pride, and this year, Avery’s favorite part has been the drag show. She watches intently and excitedly.

She also really enjoys the face painting:

Lancaster Pride 2010 6/19/10

Thank you Lyz and Chris for being so supportive of Jenn and I. I still have the copy of Lyz’s final term paper from college where she wrote all about her support of gay rights and why she believes Jenn and I should be allowed to get married. Thank you for teaching your children acceptance. I often joke that Lyz has more gay pride than Jenn and I put together!! In fact, she is the one who found out when it was and made sure that we were all going!

Mingo Monday 6/21/10

The flamingo curse strikes again!!

I opened up my mailbox on Saturday and was greeted by a big brown envelopey package thing.  I squealed! Jenn rolled her eyes.  We both know what these packages contain.

This one came from Schroe over at Schroedinger’s Womb.  She was recently in New Orleans and brought back a little special something for me!!
New Mingos!!
Aren’t they the cutest!!
New Mingos!!
They were instantly installed on my rear view mirror. This seems to be the local hangout for mingo necklaces. You can see an old one I have in the picture. It is sadly not pink anymore, well, unless you spin the necklace around and show the part that has been hidden from the sun.

These mingos have already had their share of drama too. On Saturday night Jenn was telling me they had to have a new home. I was totally going to get pulled over for having something that big hanging from my mirror. So, I texted a picture of them to Chris asking their illegality. He gave them a 3 out of 10. I smirked, and may have stuck my tongue out.

Sunday morning we all went on a road trip. 2 cars, 5 adults, 2 children. After a brief stop at Turkey Hill for road snacks, caffeine and gas, we were on our way. 48 miles later I looked up and noticed my mingos were missing. They had been mingonapped!! GASP! First, I cannot believe anyone would kidnap my newest mingos. Second, I cannot believe it took me 48 miles to realize it. Everyone (other than me) got a huge kick out of it!! They were safely returned to my car for the trip home!!!

Picture in Picture

Our new satellite provider offers picture in picture. I spent a bit of time the other evening playing around with it. You can choose a small picture in the bottom right corner. A larger picture. Or even split the screen between the two shows you want to watch. You can only listen to the main show though.

I realized this is my life. I have the main show. That which is actually happening. I hear everything from this life. But there in the bottom right hand corner of my vision is another show. The what should have been show. I see Blue interacting with Avery and Delaney at the playground. I see Blue clapping and cheering for Jenn and Lyz at the softball game. I see him getting ready to blow out his two candles on his birthday cake. With his best friend Delaney sitting next to him and all the two of them want to do is grab fistfuls of icing and shove it into their beautiful mouths.

Some days the other life stays down in the corner. Quietly playing the should have beens for me. This week it is the full half screen. Every thought I have is saturated with pain and love for our son. Our little man who isn’t here in person, but fills our hearts.

But seeing the show and knowing the what should have beens honestly doesn’t hurt half as much as there never being a way to turn off the mute. I want to hear his voice. I imagine him as a beautiful little chubby boy, with my blue eyes, and Jenn’s cute nose. I imagine all of him, except his voice. Would he be saying the new words that Avery has been teaching Delaney, the words that don’t actually mean anything? Would he be refusing to say Lyz? Would he have a soft voice, or would he be like me, yelling all the time because I have so many things to say?

What would his personality be like? Would he come over and pat Avery or Delaney if they were crying, would he start to cry to? Would he run up to us with his arms open saying MAMAMA just to hug our legs and go back to his fun? Would he be independent and want to explore the world on his own without our help?

And then I wonder some of the silly things. Would Baam be able to handle all three munchkins if the four of us went out? Would we still ask for 7 and two high chairs, or would it be 6 and two hair chairs? (we like our extra space). Would the three kids get along?

Would I still be trying to get pregnant?

In the Summertime when the weather is hot

A minimum of two nights a week of mine is spent watching softball games. Chris plays typically one or two nights a week, usually double headers. Jenn and Lyz play one or two nights a week. Thankfully I love softball! Can’t play it (I admit it, I’m afraid of the ball), but I love to watch my loved ones play!

At Chris’s games I watch from a distance. I spend most of my time hanging out on the playground with Lyz and the girls. Also known as chasing after Delaney. She has got some wheels on her!! Avery has lots of friends to play with, but Delaney requires a two woman crew to keep her in the confines of the playground, and away from the parking lot. At one point yesterday she took off and we just kinda let her go. She turned around and looked at us like…um??? Does no one care that I just ran away? Realizing that we were letting her go (she was running across the grass and towards an unused soccer field, no danger there) she kept going. Lyz and I were left wondering if she would actually care if we never followed her.

Chris @ softball:

On Sunday Jenn and Lyz had a double header. We were concerned that it was going to get rained out, but the only rain we got was a five minute torrential downpour on our drive to the field! They won their first game 14-4, and lost the second 10-0. The team they played in the second game… Hmm. Well, momma always said “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” So I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut.

Jenn and Lyz:

The opposite of not infertile enough is…

This weekend after reading this post over at Two Hot Mamas and visiting with the Hot Mamas, I got to thinking…

If N is not infertile enough, have I become too infertile??

I haven’t gone silent, but I haven’t been talking all that often on ttc, miscarriage or any of the things that brought me to the blogging community all that much either. This blog has simply become the journal of our day to day activities, with an occasional Mingo thrown in for good fun.

I personally don’t stop following people when they have moved on from where I am. I may not comment as much because I don’t have any advice to give on mommyhood. I can answer a million questions about ttc and miscarriage, and a couple hundred about pregnancy, and lots and lots about auntyness…but mommyhood, not so much.

The wonderful thing is, I haven’t lost any readers over this. You are all still out there reading and cheering me on. Well, most of you. Like I mentioned the other day, the two/three bloggers that I once felt the closest with have ditched me in fear that I might be contagious.

I guess the moral of the story is Thank You. Thank you for sticking around even if I am not saying anything worth really listening to. Thank you for being here to support me on the days where I do end my ttc/miscarriage radio silence to get some of the thoughts out of my head. I promise you that my life is not a bowl of cherries. I do love every minute that this life has to offer, please don’t get me wrong. For it not being the life I had planned out so carefully, it certainly is a wonderful life. Made better by knowing that you are all here with me, no matter what.