Theme Songs

I have two…appropriately enough they both played while I was in the car with Jenn on Friday evening…


And Lyz’s, which I happen to really like as well, especially the chorus.

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Wham

Saturday night Lyz and I were talking because I had gotten a little mad. I haven’t really had a huge emotional outburst. Lyz told me that at some point the bottom is going to fall out.

I think it is starting to.

I’m sitting at my desk at work shaking. I can’t breathe. I feel paralyzed. I don’t know what to do.

If she walked in this door and said “Let’s run away. Leave everyone and everything behind.” I would. And yes, I know she won’t do this. She reminds me constantly how happy she is. How she isn’t alone.

I need her. I need her to breathe. I need her so much. I don’t know how to live without her. She is my everything. EVERYTHING.

And yet…I would never tell her any of this. I still want more than anything her happiness. I’m the mother in King Soloman’s story that would just give up the baby. I would never cut the baby in half.

We went together to visit a friend in the hospital the other night. We are trying to be friends. As she dropped me back off at CLAD’s I asked for a favor. I need a time for the two of us to talk. I need to understand what happened. I need to know how someone who said she loved me and promised to never hurt me could do so much damage to my heart and soul. I need this for closure.

Her cousin got a new set of lungs on Saturday night. Jenn was kind enough to text me this and keep me updated. After a bit I texted her and said “More than anything else this kills me. Not being able to hold u and tell u its ok. Not being able to see her.”

Her response? “U can c her…and im ok..im not alone”

Thank you for the reminder that you aren’t alone. But that doesn’t make me feel any better. No one knows how to take care of Jenn like I do. I’ve been there through the major moments of her life. I know how small the ledge is that she may fall off of if she isn’t watched. I know how to comfort her. How can this woman who she hardly knows properly take care of my Jenn? How can I know that Jenn is comforted?

How can she have done this to me? Why did I let this happen? Why was I never given a chance? She says she tried to tell me. Telling me that she missed Martha Stewart isn’t telling me that you are falling out of love with me.

I hurt. I physically hurt right now. Every inch of my body is screaming in pain. And still I know that the bottom hasn’t fully fallen out yet. There is a crack. Sand is leaking through, but I know that I haven’t even come close to feeling the amount of pain that I am going to feel.

State of the Ununion

(hehehe I crack myself up)

I’ve received several emails checking in on me, so I thought I would stop by and update ya’ll!

I’m doing good.  Not great, but good.  I have my moments of utter despair, sure, who wouldn’t?  But for the most part I am trying to just start fresh and enjoy the beginnings of my new life.

That first week was rough.  I will fully admit that if it weren’t for Avery and Delaney I am pretty darn sure I would not be alive.  But they pulled me through, moment by moment, using nothing more than their ability to be darn cute and loving.

My favorite from each of them?  Avery called me the very next day while Lyz and I were out running errands and said “Aunt Heidi, I’m just calling to tell you that I want you to live with us forever and ever.”  I hadn’t cried yet that day, needless to say I became a mess.

Delaney has fully embraced that I am Na (pronounced with a ahhhh at the end).  So the other night she brought me the two bunches of bananas and laid them on my lap, looked up at me with her sweet little eyes and said “Na!  NaNa Na!” and laughed at herself.  Yes, your Na will happily give you a nana!

Other things I did last week:
Say goodbye to the hair!
Before:

After:

(no, I’m not smiling, but it is the only picture I have of my hair right now lol. I mean to take one every day but then I get sidetracked. Like this morning, it looked awesome. Then I went out in the windy snow and it doesn’t look as awesome lol)
Cut hair is the new bra:


(and yes, of course it was donated)

On Saturday night a bunch of us got together and went out. We started the night a little early at home with a bottle of whipped cream vodka. Whipped Cream Vodka is now my new favorite thing. Mix it with a little root beer and all becomes right with the world. Chris and I tried to make a whipped cream vodka run last night, but we live in Amish Country, PA and the liquor store was closed. Meanies.

There are other things I would like to add, but they will need to be in a private post, and I haven’t gotten all my words together yet for that. See, my blog automatically posts on Facebook, and I don’t want the whole universe knowing all my secrets yet lol, just the blogosphere!

Monday night we (Chris, Lyz, Joni and I) went over to the house and emptied most of my belongings out. That was hard. Very hard. The hardest part? My wife was there. Not this new strange Jenn, but my wife. She held me while I cried, she made me feel safe, she was my wife for just a brief few moments, just enough to let me say goodbye I guess.

The future? I would love to be her friend, yes friend, nothing more. I want nothing more than to see her happy. I forgive her already. That does not make it hurt any less, but I do forgive her.

I am not closing down the blog. Maybe I might open up a new one, but for now, I am still Thinking Miracles, and I need them too!

Lost

I am sitting in CLAD’s kitchen right now.

Sunday, Jenn decided to break the news to me that she has fallen out of love with me, and has feelings for another woman.

She could have done things so different.  So much better.  She could have left me.  She could have waited a few months to start dating.  Then we would all be friends.  Instead, when offered this she choose other woman.  I said “Please, choose Joni, Lyz, Chris, Avery, Delaney and I over other woman.”  She sad she had to think about it.  I thought we were important enough that there wouldn’t even be a question.  Apparently I was wrong.

I’m so lost right now.  I know it hasn’t quite hit me yet.  It did a little at 4am when I realized that Jenn and other woman were in my house together, probably in my bed together.  I am so confused.

I told Lyz this morning, after sleeping for the first time since I woke up Saturday morning (Jenn worked overnight on Saturday night, so I didn’t sleep since she wasn’t in bed with me) that I cannot tell the difference between reality and the nightmares. 

Then I realized it is because they are one and the same.

Sunday Morning Ritual

Jenn used to joke that her church was ESPN and her god was the Swami. A few years ago I found my own “church”. PostSecret.

I sign on each Sunday morning and laugh at some of the cards, get tears for others, and nod my head in agreement at many. I found one this morning that simply made me smile:

 

See, Harry rocks.

I am the queen, uh huh, the queen of what??

COUPONS

This is a song that Jenn and I used to sing all the time. And for some reason I got away from power coupon-ing. I have begun to remedy this.

On Wednesday we went to the grocery store armed with coupons.

Total before savings: $38.94
Total after savings: $5.95

Uh-huh. Picture evidence:


Now I am the first to admit that this is by no means a healthy shopping trip. What it is, is the motivation to get back to my Queen status and begin clipping until my fingers fall off.

Back when I was the Coupon Queen, Jenn was the Ad Scouring Queen. She would sit in bed on Sunday mornings and compare all the different ads, with my coupons, and we would then plan meals based on sales. Well, that had disappeared too. Until Jenn found this in the grocery store:

A shopping list that someone had left behind. She snatched it up and looked at me in amazement. “I want one of these!!!” So, I made her one. I titled it “Jenn’s Perfectly Anal Grocery Shopping List”. Now she can write everything she wants in and mark if she needs coupons or if it is BOGO or what have her.

We are the Queens, uh huh, the Queens of what??

SHOPPING!!!