Getting back to who I am, but different.

I worship the ground Martha Stewart organizes upon. And Bree from Desperate Housewives is my other idol (minus the whole soap opera drama). So on Tuesday I looked around my house, realized that it is now the end, very end, of January and decided that the Christmas stuff had to go.

First, I started by finally getting all of the beautiful, but very dead, flower arrangements off the top of our entertainment center. This was very, very hard. I did fine for the first two vases, but walking the second set of a vase and a basket back to the kitchen I lost it. I let myself cry for a good half an hour and then kept trucking though. As I put the last bouquet of beautiful dried and very dead tulips into the garbage bag I lost it again. I sat my butt right down on the kitchen floor and let it all out. Sometimes you just have to do that.

After that good cry was out of my system I moved on to the Christmas decorations. My brandy snifter full of blue and silver balls got emptied, cleaned and filled with red balls (Valentines day decor). I dragged tubs from the computer room and filled them with snowmen, penguins (we wish you a Merry Christmas) reindeer, stockings and tons of other things. I am just a bit obsessed with Christmas decorations.

Next, time to tackle the tree. Again, I was a bawling crying mess as I took ornaments down thinking of the conversations Jenn and I had as we decorated about how fun next Christmas would be with a 6 month old trying to pull the tree down. Refer to the first paragraph and my love of Martha and her organizational skills? I am going to really hate myself next Christmas when it comes time to put the lights, ornaments and garland back on the tree as they are all shoved not so nicely into their tubs.

I quit at this point. I cried for a bit and watched some television until Jenn came home to wipe me up and tell me “This is why I told you not to do it alone”. But see, if I didn’t do it, she would. I would rather not put the extra pain on her shoulders.

Yesterday I finished it. Well, the inside anyway. I took down the village and actually took the time to lovingly wrap all of the houses in their tissue and put them into their bins in an organized manner.

Then I started to find Heidi again. I cleaned in the dining room, and the kitchen. I started to feel like the Heidi I once was, happy to surprise Jenn when she got home from work with all the things I had accomplished in our home.

I got another bin and filled it with my maternity clothes and the pregnancy books. Another bin got filled with all of the early baby gifts and hand me downs we had received (after photographing them for Blueberry’s scrapbook of course). I stacked all the bins in the living room so that tonight when I get home from work Jenn and I can take them to the storage unit, where I am sure I will cry again, but as a good friend reminded me yesterday “Just think one day you will have to get it all back out and that will be a wonderful day.”

Let’s just hope that day comes soon.

If I can just make it to…

I have been telling myself “If you can just make it too…you’ll be okay.” This has become everything to me.

First it was…if I can make it though my first day of work….

If I can make it past my manicure (that was last night, cried a lot, but had the people at our salon were awesome and gave us lots of hugs, and post miscarriage success stories to go home with.)

Now…

If I can just make it until our dr’s appointments on the 7th.
…then it’s only 1 more week until Florida. And Florida is our “happy place”. If I can just make it there……..

Soon it will be…if I can just make it to ovulation…if I can just make it through the two week wait…woah. I’m going to stop myself there, it gets a bit scary at that point. I’m going to go back to

If I can just make it until our dr’s appointments on the 7th.
…then it’s only 1 more week until Florida. And Florida is our “happy place”. If I can just make it there……..

See, better already.

I am officially no longer pregnant.

I went twice for bloodwork last week to confirm that my pregnancy hormone levels were falling, and to check my thyroid.

My pregnancy hormones are at 0. I am happy that they fell nice and quickly, but it still hurt to hear that. I cried on the phone with Dr. Stabler-I love her. She said she has perfect faith that we can go on to get pregnant again, and carry this one full term. She also told me that she knows how much we loved our baby, and how excited she was for us.

My thyroid level is a little trickier. Normal is .5 to 5.0. Mine right now is .53 so within normal. She does not recommend changing my dosage as we are going to try again, and when we get pregnant we would just have to change the dosage all over again. She even mentioned that being a little on the hyperside of the thyroid level can often aid in conception.

So, it is official. We are back to square one, waiting for my period. Sigh.

Thank goodness for good insurance.

01/10/2008 01/10/2008 LANCASTER GENERAL HOSPITAL
329.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 LANCASTER GENERAL CRNAS
480.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 LGH PATHOLOGY
116.00 APPROVED
01/11/2008 01/11/2008 ANESTHESIA ASSOC OF LANCASTER
720.00 APPROVED

01/11/2008 01/11/2008 LANCASTER GENERAL HOSPITAL
5726.30 APPROVED

Thank you Wachovia for providing insurance to domestic partners.

Oh the things she says

When you first meet Jenn, she comes off as a little gruff. It is her defense mechanism. She doesn’t trust people easily so she’d just rather not stick her heart out there if given the choice. Underneath that gruff exterior is a heart of gold, and some of the most sensitive emotions, sometimes more sensitive than mine.

Last night we were sitting in bed and she laid down on my lap. Like so many nights before she put her hand on my belly. I put my hand on top of hers, I thought I knew what was coming. I realized she was crying so I rubbed her back and she said through the sobs “I only ever kissed your belly once.” My heart broke. I tried to argue with her, I swear she did it more than once, but she could even tell me exactly where, when and why she did it. Just once. That is so unfair for her.

Later in the evening we were talking about how I do want to try again, but am scared to death. I have nightmares, Jenn has good dreams-we are yin and yang. She dreams every night about our twin girls. She told me she’s okay with that, she’s got her boy.

The after the loss credo

This is exactly how I feel right now. It says everything that I am feeling, or didn’t realize I was feeling until I read it.

I need to talk about my loss. I may often need to tell you what happened – or to ask you why it happened. Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself face the reality of the death of my loved one. I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me. And I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don’t judge me or think that I’m behaving strangely. Remember, I am grieving. I may even be in shock. I may feel afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I’m experiencing a pain unlike any I’ve ever felt before. Don’t worry if you think I’m getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don’t tell me you “know how I feel,” or that it’s time for me to get on with my life. I am probably already saying this to myself. What I need now is time to grieve and to recover.

Most of all, thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me. And remember, in the days or years ahead, when you may have a loss – when you need me as I have needed you – I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

Author: Barbara Hills LesStrang

I have a problem, and I am willing to admit it.

I am an information junkie. I must read everything I can about some things. This has been proven to be a not so good thing after losing Blueberry.

I read about D&E’s…they are used for abortions.

I read about trying to conceive post late miscarriage…seems like it’s a 50/50 shot to me.

I read other blogs about their losses in the hopes that them coming out the other side okay will console me…all it does is make me cry over their stories of loss.

I read that new study that shows that caffeine causes miscarriage. Two years before I got pregnant I all but gave up caffeine, but I know I had several iced teas while pregnant. So this does nothing but cause me to place more blame on myself. (yes…I know nothing I did or didn’t do caused this miscarriage…but there will be no more tea…just water, even if I have to bring my own to restaurants.)

So…I have decided to get my information from other sources. My textbooks. I’m a pretty smart girl and will openly admit that I have never EVER actually read anything my teachers have told me to read, yet still come out with almost all A’s.

This morning for some reason, even though I am almost three weeks behind in all my classes, I decided to read my books. Of course I did. That’s just me. So it’s going to take me five times as long to do my schoolwork than ever before…but it will keep me out of Google for a bit.