What I’ve learned this month…November 2011

I want to start doing this at the end of each month. I am going to start something at the beginning of each month too, but you will have to wait until tomorrow to see that.

*I learned that Avery and Delaney are the biggest two blessings in my life. That nothing will ever change my love for them. That when I say CLAD comes first, I actually mean it.

*I learned that I am actually slightly stronger than I think I am. Both physically and mentally. I’m not stronger emotionally, but that will come in time.

*I learned that I am loved, unconditionally, by many more people than I thought I was.

*I learned that I have no idea how to progress in a relationship. I simply fell into my last one. This one is harder work, more decisions. I’m a grown up now and there are other things to think about other than simply myself.

*I learned that I have two wonderful friends. They make me laugh, they make me cry, they are simply two of the best people in the entire world. I’ve watched them plan surprises for each other and it so warms my heart. I think Delaney says it best “I want that.”

*I learned that while I have changed a lot, my desire to not be surprised has not changed at all. Between hints from Lyz and K, Christmas is simply way too far away.

I think that is good for this month. I’m going to put a draft post into my box so that I can add things as I go for December.

What did you learn this month?

Christmas Shopping

I’m about 75% done with Christmas shopping. All I really have left are the handmade goodies and the pieces for that will be purchased this weekend. I’m not buying for many people, really only CLAD+J and my mom, dad and brother. Everyone else who is to get a gift will be getting baked goodies 🙂

But last night, I found myself again perusing through the Cyber Monday deals. I came across the perfect gift for someone. I smiled and started to add it to my cart. It was a tee-shirt, and I would always buy that someone a funky tee-shirt for Christmas. She loved them! Her favorites included “Your girlfriend wants me” and “Meat is Murder, tasty tasty murder”.

So, when I saw this tee-shirt I knew she must have it! And then it hit me…that someone isn’t in my life anymore. Not as my wife, not even as a friend. I wouldn’t even know where to have the shirt sent to. It hurt for a moment or two, and I honestly considered purchasing it and having it sent to her parents house for them to pass along. It further hit me that I don’t even know if she is the type of person that likes tee-shirts anymore. Or if her new girlfriend would allow her to wear it.

So, I went and spent the $10 on another gift for someone more important. (Wonders if Lyz will wonder on Christmas morning which gift was purchased in lieu of the tee-shirt).

Anywho, since it is the thought that counts, here is the tee-shirt. Those that knew Jenn (the real Jenn) will know that this is so very her!!

 

Thankful

When I was 14 I was everything everyone wanted me to be. I was a classic goody two shoes. I was faithfully going to church and knew everything about it. I could quote scriptures and have great debates about religion. I was doing wonderfully in school, although still not “living up to my potential”.

When I was 15 I remember laying on the floor of one of the rooms at church and having a conversation with a church friend. She was starting to have doubts about church. I remember thinking how awful that was. How sad it must be to have doubts and be lost.

When I was 16, I went straight past doubts. I knew I wasn’t happy. I knew that I wasn’t who I wanted to be, what I wanted to be, or where I wanted to be. But it didn’t matter. I couldn’t do anything different, too many people expected more from me. When my feelings got to be almost more than I could bear, I had a conversation with one of my church friend’s father. I remember him saying “I wish my daughter was more like you.” I cried myself to sleep that night. The weight of the world on my shoulders. People expected too much from me.

I hung a sign on my wall, when I was 16, before it became as popular of a quote as it is now, that said:

I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.

It was at this same time that I began fighting with my parents over where I was going to go to college. I had always wanted to go to BYU-Idaho (back then it was called Ricks). But now I didn’t. I didn’t want to be kept in my mold, I was ready to break free. Yet, I went. What other choice did I have? I couldn’t let anyone down. I couldn’t lose the love that my family had for me.

I met Jenn there, and in the long run broke the mold anyway. Sort of. Instead of being who my family wanted me to be, I became the girl Jenn wanted. Quiet, agreeable, basically bowing down to her every whim.

I’m 34 now. I have 7 tattoos. I have blue hair (oh, by the way, the purple and pink faded and I dyed my hair blue!). I go places. I know people when I go places. In the 14 years I lived here with Jenn I can only name two times where we were out and I knew someone. Twice in the last week I’ve run into people I know.

I say what I want to say. I do what I want to do. I’m being true to me, finally.

And you know what?? Everyone still loves me. My family is still my family. They still love me. CLAD still loves me. No one has shunned me for my beliefs, my sexual orientation, my tattoos or my blue hair. Well, my boss may have given me a bit of a hard time about the blue hair. Picture Nancy Kerrigan and her Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-ing. But to be honest, even he doesn’t judge me by my tattoos and hair (and soon to be piercings).

While I am still slightly dead on the inside, I am slowly bring the real Heidi out for the world to see. I’m excited for me to finally hit the weight loss goals so that I can buy a new wardrobe that is totally my style. Not the clothes I was allowed to wear growing up. Not the clothes I was allowed to wear as a wife. The clothes that reflect my personality. My crafting is way up, Martha Heidi is in full swing. I haven’t been this caught up in my scrapbook in years!!

I’m less shy than ever before. I’m not afraid of people not liking the real me. Because 1-If they don’t like the real me, their loss. 2-I haven’t really come across anyone that doesn’t!

I’m thankful, that finally, at the age of 34, I am Heidi. I am not a person who reflects the wants and needs of the people around her. I am the person that is loved, not in spite of who I am, but because of who I am. And don’t get me wrong, I still have the same flaws I always had. I will never be able to ask for help!! (I actually got close to asking for help the other day, but covered it up nicely lol)

I am thankful that, even though it took me 18 years to realize it, I am finally the master of my fate, the captain of my soul.

Thank you Mom, Dad, Marshall, Chris, Lyz, Avery, Delaney, Joni, all of my extended family (both by birth and by adoption), K, and almost everyone reading this, for loving me because of me. For loving me these past ten months even though at times I have been impossible to be around. For loving me. Just me.

Minor Meltdown

Yesterday, I wore my pink winter coat for the first time this season. I wore my black one last week for the first time. When I put it on I had a total happy party! It is so big on me! Last year it totally hugged my body, it was obvious that I had big boobs. This year, it hangs on me. Pretty sure I could fit both Avery and Delaney underneath it.

I was expecting the same happy party when I put on the pink one. And I got it! It is too big! It was amazing when I sat down in my car and the coat was all bunched up and poofed out! So big!! Yay!!

Then I got to work, went in, and went to hang it up. I felt something in my pocket so I unzipped it and reached in. My mind played that wonderful game wondering if there could be one of those random $20 bills left in my coat pocket from last year!?!?!?

No. It was a memento from a date K and I went on. I froze. My breath started to come in gasps. My hands were shaking. My eyes instantly started overflowing. Bile rose in my throat.

That means that the last time I wore that coat I was with K, not Jenn. With my girlfriend, not my wife. With someone I met in my thirties, not the woman who entered my life when I was 17.

Then I really looked at what was in my hand. A receipt from a dinner. A dinner where I laughed. A dinner where I blushed because K had said something so sweet and romantic. A dinner where I was paid attention to. Where no one flirted with the waitress. A dinner where I was the center of attention. A dinner where I felt special. Loved. Wanted.

I put the receipt back in my pocket. My breathing calmed, my eyes dried. And I moved on with my morning. I put on the fleece from the coat closet that is only a size XL, and hung up my coat that is a 4x. I smiled.

Then I texted K and told her she is awesome.

Hi

Have you ever had so much to say that when you sit in front of your blank blog page that you don’t even know where to begin or how to start talking about it? There is so much inside of me right now. So very much. I honestly can’t even begin to share it all. But here are a few things.

Good-I came clean to a blog friend last week exactly how things “went down” between Jenn and I. It felt good to get it out there. It is one of the many things poisoning me. I was such a moron. Not only did I not fight for us, I didn’t fight for myself, I just rolled over and played dead.

It is quite funny to me that Jenn gave me so much crap for what I did say about what happened. Had I actually shared the entire story of that day…nevermind. I do wonder what she tells people. If she was to tell the truth no one would ever even want to look at her. If someone told me that they did that to someone I would walk away from them. Someday, and possibly quite soon, I will share it all on a password protected post.

Good- I’ve spent my morning at work getting the CLAD+JH holiday calendar ready. As well as a list of dates and hours for us to go do all of those fun things that we always do around the holidays! I’m so excited! I feel really good about Christmas this year. I spent so much time this year worrying about how I would feel around the holidays. Wondering if I would want to just crawl into bed and hide. I told Lyz the other day that I was fearing that this Christmas would be worse than the Christmas after Blue passed, but so far, I’m great! There is already a Christmas tree in the lobby of The Hotel and it makes me smile to look at it. There is already Christmas music playing on the radio in my car and it doesn’t make me wince! I am looking forward to Christmas more than I have in a very long time!

Sad-There will be no Christmas tree lot this year, well, there will be, we just won’t be the ones staffing it. Without Delmar there to help us out, it would just be too hard. So the people we would get the trees from are running it and we will just stop out and work whenever we want. Then next year we will be better prepared to do it all ourselves.

Middle of the road-I’ve taken an interesting step with K. After several episodes of her being controlling, I had a huge blowout with her. She made the mistake of saying “You always choose them over me.” Yes, and I always will. They are my life support system. They are the air that I breathe. They are the blood in my veins. Without them I would not exist. Yes, I will ALWAYS choose them. They come first. I laid it all out in front of her. I cried through it all. She listened. She watched me. Halfway through my screaming tirade she grabbed my hand and started crying herself. I could see in her eyes she finally got it. I feel bad. For her, for any woman who ever enters my life. No one will ever be good enough to make me want to choose them. I realize that I would always even choose them over Jenn. I didn’t ask her to stay for me that night, I begged her to choose them over her new girlfriend. I knew that if Jenn let her move in that she would be saying goodbye to CLAD. I didn’t want them hurt.

Very good-I’ve lived with CLAD for over 10 months now. Yet still, every day, when I walk through the door, two little girls come running for me, screaming my name, and wrap their arms around me. It makes me smile. It warms my heart. It proves to me that I am important. I love them more than anything. With their mom and dad coming in at a close second.

My Thoughts on Breaking Dawn

Warning—SPOILERS

Yep, went and saw it. Twice. In less than 24 hours. I’m a dork. But you knew this already. I went to the opening at midnight Thursday night/Friday morning with Lyz and….CHRIS!! Shocking isn’t it? He has never seen any of the movies and has never even touched one of the books. He wanted to go simply to “Watch the freaks.” He got to see some too!! Then I went again Friday evening with K. She hasn’t read the books but has watched all the movies. I think that is a very different experience, but will explain that later.

When I went with Lyz and Chris, we spent some time trying to find a “friend” of mine. I guess I can remove the quotes now because I’ve seen her face to face now and can say I actually know her. Her name is Courtney and I met her when I was in the hospital getting my gallbladder removed. We chatted…I guess. I don’t remember her. But we became friends on Facebook and have chatted here and there. When we went to the Harry Potter premiere I teased her because she forgot to get tickets and couldn’t go to the midnight showing. So when I bought my Breaking Dawn tickets I went and reminded her to get hers. She made me promise then that we would meet up.

So…she texts me which theater she is in and Lyz and I head off in search of her. We stood in theater 12 for a few minutes and then I chickened out and ran away. We sent Chris in search of pretzel bites:

Doesn’t he simply look thrilled to be here??? (Sure isn’t hard to pick him out of a crowd is it??)

Then Courtney texted me again…so Lyz and I went off in search. We stood at the bottom of theater 12 and looked….and looked…and looked. So I opened my phone to text her and “Hey Lyz, you can hate me later, but for now, let’s go to theater 14 and look for her”. When we walked out of 12 she was standing in the main hallway looking for us!!! So we chatted for a bit and made promises to meet up and go out sometime…then went into our respective theaters and waited for the movie to begin.

And…it was pretty good. I’m getting much better at separating books from movies. I realize that there is no way for them to get everything spot on. My silly complaint was that there were no shoes dragging behind the Volvo as Bella and Edward drove away from the wedding reception.

My real complaint is the way the portray Edward in the movies. In the books he is a wonderful romantic. He is attentive to Bella. He lives for Bella. She is the center of his world. He would never raise his voice at her, intentionally hurt her. He would never spend the first weeks of their marriage glaring at her in anger. Screaming at her for her choices. NEVER.

In my head there is now movie Edward and book Edward. And in my head it has made me separate my Jenns. When I read the books I pictured Edward as Jenn. She was just like him. So kind and perfect and romantic and wonderful. That was my Jenn. Someone went and rewrote her. Now she is the movie Jenn. I feel bad for movie Edward and Jenn. If you had never read the books you just don’t understand how wonderful they could really be.

Then there is Leah. I was sad that they didn’t touch on the fact that Leah felt infertile, I may have written Stephanie Meyer an email begging her to write a whole book just about Leah. Anywho…at one point in the movie Jacob is “making fun” of the imprinting that werewolves do. (Imprinting is when a wolf looks into the eyes of a girl and is instantly beyond in love with them). He is talking about the fact that once you’ve imprinted, you no longer belong to yourself. Leah tells him that sometimes, it would be worth it to imprint on someone…why? because…

“Being any kind of happy is better than being miserable about someone you can’t have.”
– Leah Clearwater

After the movie ended we walked out to the car and listened to Chris’s review. He cracks me up. He was very surprised by all of the laughing. “I didn’t get it. I didn’t know this was supposed to be a comedy!!” He really only liked the last few minutes when there was fighting amongst the wolves and the vampires.

I had a hard time not laughing during the scene when Jacob leaves the pack. It was done a little cheesy, but as I’m not a screenwriter, I really can’t come up with a better way to do that scene, so I’ll just leave the writing to them!

So…all in all, it was good. It will never measure up to the book of course, but I still very much enjoyed watching some of my favorite fake people come to life.

Now….waiting for March and the Hunger Games!!

(Lyz posing with Peeta. I’m team Gale who is the guy to the right of Lyz and Peeta. Go Gale!!!!! If you haven’t read the books…get them now. And do yourself a favor and get all three at the same time.)

Bumppity Bump Bump

I have no idea what is going on, but I’m having a rough week. I start out all happy and then crash. Not just any crashes either, big bad ones. I have bruises to prove it. (Ok, so the bruise is really from falling out of the bunk bed one morning at the cabin.)

I’ve posted here and there on facebook about my mood. To the point that last night as we sat down to dinner Chris even asked if I was okay. I almost started bawling right there. I took one hand and held on to my chair so I wouldn’t leave the table and go cry in my room. Now, that would have been a good cry because it means the world to me that Chris would ask me.

It is so strange. I will be doing something perfect normal and completely unrelated to my state of mind when BAM, tears start running down my cheeks. I was assigning rooms at The Hotel for this weekend and tears started flowing. Then I came across a guest with the last name of Doody. So I texted Lyz, I knew she would enjoy that. And knowing that she was smiling, made me smile.

Now, at the same time, I find myself more happy than I normally do. I mean, check this picture out:

Look at that smile!! It is real! (By the way, Morgan and Gwen, all the way to the right, aren’t they two of the most beautiful girls you have ever seen?? And of course Avery and Delaney simply rock. And the guy is Mike, Chris’s cousin. He is also quite awesome!) It is a real smile. How do I know it is real? Because I don’t remember this picture being taken, that means I didn’t flat out pose. (Now, back to weight loss, my boobs are disappearing, couldn’t my extra neck do the same??)

Anywho, I guess this was just a post to whine. And you know what? It made me feel better. So thanks for listening!!

101 pounds!!!!!

My goal was to lose 100 pounds by November 15. I’m going to show a picture of the scale, so I guess I could come totally clean and tell you that in the middle of last November I weighed in at a whopping 354 pounds. Holy crap. It was amazing how quickly that weight had crept up on me.

There have been two weights since then that have made me smile:

299-to be under 300
278-to weigh less than Jenn (who is 6 inches shorter than me)

And then yesterday morning. I had been stuck with 4 pounds to go for over a week. I was starting to get scared that I wasn’t going to reach my goal. Then, I had a whole lot to drink this past weekend, and I was scared that was going to add weight. But I stepped onto the scale, counted to 15 and looked down to see this:

I screamed. And no one was home to hear it. So I texted that picture to Lyz and my mom. They were both excited!!

**in the effort of being fully honest, the first time I stepped on the scale it said 251.3, but I didn’t have my phone on me to take a picture. Apparently I gained .9 pounds in the walk from Lyz’s bathroom to my bathroom**

So there we have it. My next goal is 220 by Valentine’s day. I’ll be at the gym if you need me!

Ghosts

I’m currently in a place that has a bed that Jenn and I once slept next to each other in it. More than anywhere else I feel here ghost here.

I can’t even make myself walk into the room where the bed is. It is very strange. A large part of me wannts to go crawl into that bed. Hopes that I can feel the comfort of my wife one more time. Wishes that she was here to sleep next to me again.

Another part of me has to smile that I’m so much better wwith her not here. Yesterday I got into my car and drove 3 hours to a place I’ve never driven before. This is HUGE for me. Chris was even so proud of me that he gave me a fist bump.

I think there is another ghost here. I was woken up and asked to lean down for a hug. I’m sleeping on the top bunk. I did. I thought it was Lyz hugging me goodbye. I realized a while later that it wasn’t, as I watched Lyz get out of bed. I asked her, “Did you wake me up for a hug last night?” She didn’t. I checked with Danyelle and Joni too, it wasn’t either of them. I know I didn’t dream it. So very strange.

I just finished reading an article about Adele. There is an awesome quote:

“I’m fine without him, but I don’t want to be without him and I still miss him.”

I agree 100%. I’m fine without her. But that doesn’t change the fact that I miss her fully.  It doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t want this. It doesn’t change the fact that I am still haunted by her ghost.

Skipping heartbeats

(hey look at that! I failed NaBloPoMo! No big surprise there. Although on Saturday night, waiting in the drive through of Taco Bell for $52.77 of food (whole nother blog post there) I screamed Crap!! I forgot to blog! At least I thought about it!)

Comments made on the blog get sent to my phone for approval. Each and every time this happens my heart skips a few beats. I’m always worried. I never used to care what people wrote in the comments. But because of two people, I started moderating. (Interestingly enough, not Jenn and Not her new gf)

Now, keep in mind, I have no pending comments. I have let every comment post. (Proof? Check out a post awhile back called head games…I let everyone have their words.) But, just in case there is ever something that I want to stay off the blog for a day or two until that post is buried, I moderate comments. Thankfully, there has never been a reason to do this since that aforementioned post.

But just the same, I get them sent to my phone. And just the same, especially on a post where I talk about Jenn, my heart skips a few beats in case I’m about to read something hurtful, harmful or just plain rude.

Today, four days after I posted last, I got one such notification. And as usual, my heart stopped. I was having a good day. Please don’t let this crash me. This past weekend rocked! Yesterday was one of my favorite days in a long time (again, another blog post). This morning I laughed when I got an invite to go bar hopping this weekend. Jenn used to tell me that she was the cool one in the relationship. That we only ever got invited to places because of her. Since she left, I have been invited to way more things!! I’m obviously the cool one!!

Please don’t let this comment crash me.

It didn’t. It was my best friend. It was my soulmate (do you watch The Big C?) And she said what she always says to help me through the rough parts.

We got this.

We do. We got this. I’ve got her, she’s got me. We can do anything.

I’m so going to get that tattooed on me. Just wait.

We got this.