New Moon

I began my Twilight reread a few weeks ago in preparation for Breaking Dawn Part One to be released in the theaters next month. I can normally whiz through the whole series in a week, including Midnight Sun and The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. I’m currently stuck in the depths of New Moon. It is taking me for a complete ride on that cliche roller coaster.

For those of you who don’t read teenage vampire drama like Lyz and I so lovingly do, New Moon is the second book in the Twilight Saga. It is the book in which Edward leaves Bella, with no warning. Leaves her lost and alone in the woods. Leaves her with a huge hole in her body where her heart used to be. Bella re-friends an old friend, Jacob. While she is still in the depths of pain surrounding the loss of her Edward, she finds herself unintentionally leading Jacob on. She loves Jacob, but not in the same way he loves her. He claims to understand this, but she knows he thinks he has a chance. He doesn’t. Bella’s heart will always be with Edward. Edward took it with him when he left.

New Moon used to be my least favorite book in the series. I was bored. There was no Edward, what is the point of love without Edward? The only redeeming quality the book held to me was that the movie has the most awesome soundtrack.

But reading it this time is completely different to me. Each turn of the page (or push of a button since I am reading it on Lyz’s Nook while she reads another series on my Kindle) is another tear in that jagged hole in my chest. I understand the hole that Bella talks about. In fact, I understand most of the statements Bella makes about her pain. Understand might not be a strong enough word. I find myself nodding as I read her words. I find tears rolling down my cheeks as I suffer along with her. You can go ahead and laugh, I know it sounds silly. Here I am comparing myself to a teenage vampire romance character. I feel how she feels as she tries to shut it all out.

I think my favorite quote in the book is this one:

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

While in Ocean City I texted Danielle several times, begging her to drive to me and remove the book from my hands. I would lay in bed quietly reading and rereading passages. Silent tears would fall down my cheeks. I would hug my arms to my chest, holding the pieces of myself together. I knew it was stupid to read the book. I couldn’t stop. I wanted to feel it. It honestly feels so good to feel it! I am tired of the numbness.

I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I’d chosen nothing.

Then there is the Jacob half of my own equation. K really does mean a lot to me. She knows exactly where my heart stands. She upset me a little on Saturday night by asking me what shirt I had on. Asking me how low-cut it was. I don’t need another controller in my life. I spent some time on Sunday morning talking to her about it, and then told her we would discuss it Monday night.

It was like an awful flashback. I felt like I was having the same conversation I had two summers ago with Jenn. But in the end we talked it out. Where with Jenn this would have ended with me asking to be left alone and then just sweeping my feelings under the rug, because my feelings don’t matter.

Tuesday morning, I got into my car at 5:15am and saw two things. First, Orion, high in the sky. Lyz and I had spotted him one morning in Ocean City. It feels so good to have him back. Second, I saw the moon. It was waning crescent, about as close to being New as it could get.

I jumped right into Bella’s head again. It so happened that I was reading the part of the book where Bella is trying to walk the fine line between friendship and romance with Jacob. I gasped. K has been so wonderful, all except that one little slip-up with the shirt, she has been perfect to me. Kind, understanding. I mean, how many people are willing to hold their girlfriend while they cry and mourn their ex??

I was an empty shell. Like a vacant house-condemned-for months I’d been utterly uninhabitable. Now I was a little improved. The front room was in better repair. But that was all-just one small piece. He deserved better than that-better than a one-room, falling down fixer-upper. No amount of investment on his part could but me back in working order. Yet I knew that I wouldn’t send him away, regardless. I needed him too much, and I was selfish.

She understands, scarily so. She swears that it is okay. She tells me all the time that either I will get better and be able to dream of a future, or she will just always be there as my friend. For now, we will have fun and spend time together. She will be there to be another member of the crew holding me together. I had told Lyz that I intended to break up with her when I went over Monday night. I couldn’t, I was selfish. I need K. It sucks.

I’d been broken beyond repair. But I needed Jacob now, needed him like a drug. I’d used him as a crutch for too long, and I was in deeper than I’d planned to go with anyone again.

K asks every so often where I stand in the great chasm of pain.

“You’re still pretty unhappy, aren’t you>” he murmured. I nodded, staring unseeingly into the gloomy forest. “Did you ever think…that maybe…you’re better off?” I inhaled slowly, and then let my breath out. “No.” “‘Cause he wasn’t the best-”

Here is where Bella and I do differ. I know that I am better off. I enjoyed many of the years that I spent with Jenn, but a few of them were wasted. It is my fault they were wasted, please don’t think I’m blaming Jenn. With the loss of Blue we both plunged into a deep depression that neither of us helped the other with. Such is life. It was a comfortable relationship. I’m more disappointed in the way she ended it. The way she just up and disappeared from my life. Just like Edward. Of course, Edward didn’t have an affair or deny the affair. A fictional character has better morals than Jenn does.

So, New Moon is a hard read for me. But I’m almost finished. And I will mourn again at the end of the book. Edward comes back to Bella. Bella accepts him with open arms. Jenn will never come back to Heidi, and if she did, Heidi would turn around and walk away.

I love a happy ending. They are so rare. (Aro)


My Virgin Trip to OCMD

(I cannot tell you how many people were excited by the fact that I was an Ocean City, Maryland virgin.)

Ladies and Gentleman. I don’t even know where to begin to tell you about this trip. I’m still so excited by it that my fingers are typing to fast and I’ve already had to fix about ten words because my fingers typed the letters in the wrong order.

I had so much fun. Good honest happy fun. Not “I’m going to plaster a smile on my face and pretend that I’m enjoying myself as much as everyone around me” fun. Real fun. Real fun where I didn’t have every single moment that hurtful thought in the back of my head. In fact, there were several times throughout the weekend where I was thankful that she is gone. If she would have been there, I wouldn’t have been having as much fun!!

I will tell you one of the favorite parts of this trip. I felt really good about myself. There was this guy, Jason, who started hitting on me. I explained he was wasting his time as we both were looking for the same thing, but he wouldn’t give up. I felt like I had become his holy grail. It made me smile so much from the inside out. He was so flirty it made me laugh. Right down to “Feel my arm muscles, aren’t they big?” His friends were funny too. Then later in the evening (two bars later as a matter of fact) I ran into his friends again. I must say it is a huge ego boost to walk into a bar and be welcomed with cheers of “Hey!!! Its our lesbian!!!!!!!!” (a ego boost and a total mood killer to someone as shy as me! I ran to the other end of the bar to hide!)

I loved hanging out with Lyz and Chris and Joni. At one point Lyz and I were literally hanging out:

I got in that swing people. I fit in that swing. I didn’t feel like a horrible fat cow making a total fool out of myself. I just hopped in. Now, I didn’t look as good as Lyz and the other softball wives, but I didn’t look like a cow either!!! I was even able to get in and out of the chair with some grace. I loved my weekend. I loved having the kind of fun I used to have before I moved to Pennsylvania. I loved the freedom of it.

View from the swing:

I’m feeling more at peace every day.

Live drunk blogging from the bar.



No spell check.

No computer.

Just a cell phone and random thoughts.

~people rock. My ex does not.
~K is cranky. She doesn’t like the idea of me being out drinking. She even texted asking for a pic of my outfit to make sure it wasn’t too lowcut. Have I mentioned that it pissed me off when Jenn edited my wardrobe?
~I really like ameretto sours.
~my face has a slight sunburn. My lips really do.
~lyz and I just did a sweaty mexican.
~while pulling up the pic of the sweaty mexican I was reminded that I should tell you how awesome the comforter is on the bed lyz and chris have in the condo.
~my clevage is showing. Hahahahahahahahahahaha
~college football rocks.
~you should not read new moon when you are still in mourning.
~someday I really will be ok.
~today is the last Saturday I am allowed to smoke.
~avery has been talking a lot about promises. It breaks my heart.
~we now plan on staying an extra night. Why? Cause we like to party like that.
-this wouldntve happened if the ex was still around. This is more fun than the ex!!!
~turkey. Halloween. Copycat.
~Ks team just won in an awesome play, and she isn’t answering her phone to cheer with me.
~the music in this bar sucks. Lyz and I wanna go dancing. We are trying very hard to convince others to join us.
~timmy is here!
~lyz and I are playing erotic video games. They are quite lame.
~just scratched my nose. Still sunburned.
~I’m wearing a pair of jeans that are falling off my ass. Time to go shopping. They are the smallest pair I own. Yay for losng weight. Boo for my dwindling wardrobe.
~k texted. Slm.
~I wish Danielle was here.
~new moon is bad for my mental health.
~I really like that chicks boots. I’m so hunting down boot sales at the end of winter.
~lyz talks to everyone. We are now friends with people from georgia and hawaii. Hi! Go Alabama!!! Tennesee sucks!
~I should be drunker. And chris just handed me a drink. Chris is wise.
~lyz just introduced chris to the bouncer as “our” husband lol
~ok…phone cranky…enough blogging. Back to dancing.

Nite all!

Witchy has been up to no good.

Lots of pictures!!!

Witchy was found hanging from the curtain rod with a marker in her hand:

What on Earth was she doing with a marker??? Oh No!!!

(Don’t worry, it was a dry erase marker. We woke up the next morning with no evidence of the previous day’s fun!)

Witchy hung out on the family clock and left the girls a gift of coffin goo:

Have no fear, Witchy was not missing for a week, she was just hiding in different places that weren’t as fun as the ones I’m actually sharing.

We found Witchy hanging from the Kitchen light…holding a spider??

Ahhh…I see the mess she made now!

(Not a great picture of the confetti mess, but Delaney had decided in her engineers mind that all of the confetti needed to be separated and properly organized.)

Witchy had a very busy week, she she built herself a hammock and slept all day long

Witchy had some big fun while we were all sleeping. She now has a facebook page (You can be her friend if you want, click HERE ). She posted her status the night before as “Planning something super fun tonight!! Ho Ho Ho, I mean, Ha Ha Ha” and when we woke up in the morning we found this:

ANd look who was on top!

Avery “yelled” at Witchy, reminding her that she is a Halloween Witch, not McGee the Christmas Elf!!

We came downstairs this morning to see Witchy on top of a painting with an almost empty roll of toilet paper on her broom…uh oh:

And then we saw Baam (who is spending some time at CLAD’s while she recovers from a small surgery)

Witchy, Witchy, Witchy, what ARE we going to do with you???

Feeling Crafty

I have always had the crafty bug. It disappeared there for awhile, but I am bringing it back in full force.

Now, not all of my craft projects turn out good. There is this milk jug project that I have been working on that, well, I’m not speaking to the bag of milk jugs in my room right now. We got into a little fight and we need to spend some time apart. There is also a black tank top that has been shoved to the bottom of a pile that I don’t want to look at right now.

Then there are the success stories. Two of which I would like to share with you!

First, there is the Halloween wreath. I made one, posted it on Facebook, and within moments Lyz’s brother-in-law Rob was asking for one. So I made him one too!


The cute little owl that is sitting at the bottom:


Rob’s Crow (they were out of owls):

I have several more orders for similar wreaths. I just have to find time to get to the store and get the wreath frames!!

Next I took an empty wine bottle and fashioned it into the cutest little light!

A close up of the witch’s hat:

And then, for dinner last night, I made Lasagna Soup. It was quite delicious in my own opinion. Chris had seconds, which is a show of a good recipe!! Lyz liked it because I used all low-fat or no fat ingredients, and turkey sausage instead of pork. Her nutritionist will be proud of me. And here is why I will never be a food blogger:

I can’t take a good picture of food!!
Family around the table:

If you want to know the story of the Christmas Tree in the background, guess you will have to read tomorrow!!!

Dear Blog,

Dear Blog,

I am so sorry that I am such an awful owner. How dare I not celebrate your anniversary of existence.

Happy Four Year Blogoversary (plus a few days) to you. Thank you so much for being here for me. For listening to me. For understanding when I write things and then make you take them back. For holding my hand through everything.

Most importantly, thank you for introducing me to a whole new world of wonderful people who have come to love you as much as I do.

I must say, Blog…you rock!!


I remember

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I remember, today and always, Blue, Honeydew, 3 more angels, the 3 Landis Angels, Gabriel, ALL of the August 2006 Angels, Max, Asiah, Dane, Madeline, Rayne, JJ, Wallaby, Sprout, Pearl, Agatha, Peter, Augustine, Jude, Roar, Snuff, Turtle, 3 Flowers, Brendan, Haloumi, Laura’s Two Angels, Baby A, Stella, Liam, Beatrix and so so many more.

Idle Hands

Too much time to think lately. I’m surrounded by the thoughts that a year ago the woman I love started an affair. I think of all of the little signs that I should’ve seen. Honestly, I can’t think of that many. I guess there was the time that I saw she was looking at various craigslist ads (apartments-which she passed off as trying to get a friend out of an abusive relationship; or women seeking women-which she passed off as nosey and curious). And I believed her. Of course I did. I trusted her with all of my heart, which she knew and took total advantage of.

I’m sitting here in the quiet just pondering. I’m feeling very alone lately, even with so many people around who love me so dearly. I don’t know how to fix it.

Yes, I am still in love with her. That doesn’t mean I haven’t moved on, believe me, there is a difference between the two. If she was to show up in front of me right now I would most likely turn away, or vomit. Or both at the same time.

I need that love to stop. I just don’t know how. I think I’m getting closer. I hope I’m getting closer.

I realize that a hell of a lot can change in almost nine months. I also realize that it can take a hell of a lot longer than nine months to change other things.

Coming Out-Yes, I’m late

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day, but today I’m going to post about it. I’m always late, and the high level of busy-ness going around isn’t helping anything. Lyz and I were talking the other day about how each week we say “Next week will be quieter”. Next week never seems to come!

So…Coming Out (yes, this is stolen. Thanks 1 In Vermillion)

Are you open with your sexuality? I am! I didn’t start out that way. At my first job when I moved to PA I kept it very quiet. Only one person I worked with knew. After leaving that job I decided that I didn’t like it that way. People should know who I am, and if you don’t like me for it, then bite me.

Who was the 1st person you told that you’re a lesbian? Frances. We were sitting on my Aunt’s front porch, we were both living with her at the time. We were talking and I told her I had to tell her something. After spitting out the story of Jenn and I, Frances spit out a very similar story.

Overall, how difficult was it to come out? Not very. I did have one friend who simply did not believe me. My mistake for telling her on April Fools day though!!

Do you own anything with the Gay Rainbow on it? I have a flamingo that is Gay Rainbowed. I do have the equality sticker on my car. Lyz is way more Gay Pride than I am, she is the one who always reminds me when Pride is!

Do you consider yourself Butch, Androgynous, or Femme? I would have to go with Femme, but I’m not a makeup kind of girl.

What type of females are you most attracted to? I believe the correct term is “Soft Butch”, but I failed Lesbian 101, so I can’t really put a total finger on it!

What famous lesbian is your favorite? Used to be Melissa Ethridge, but she has made some life choices that no longer thrill me, so I will have to go with the good old standby of Ellen.

What is your favorite lesbian movie? Bound.

Do you have any Pride tattoos? I have a rainbow heart on my right shoulder/back. Jenn and I got them for each other as wedding presents. It will be changed eventually, but I’m not sure to what yet.

How do you feel about Gays/Lesbians having children? I’m all for it! I have not given up on this dream yet! Even if I become a single mother.

If it were legal, would you marry another woman? I’m not sure. I’ve had my heart ripped out, I’m really not sure if I will get to that point again.

Have you ever attended a Gay Pride Festival? I have! (Almost all of them with Lyz, see above!)

Do you have more Gay/Lesbian/Bi friends than you do Straight friends? No, not even close. Jenn wasn’t really the “Let’s hang out with the gays” kinda girl.

Have you ever personally dealt with homophobia? Here and there. We have had people quit at the hotel because of their religious beliefs clashing with my personal beliefs as well as the owners. There were a heck of a lot of gay employees here at one point.

Did anyone stop having contact with you after you came out of the closet? I cut off contact with some people for awhile. But everyone has come back.

Do you believe you were born a lesbian? The more I think about this, yes. I had wondered for years and years about it, but my religious upbringing made me push a lot of my feelings into boxes and hide it because I felt terribly guilty. I remember having a terrible crush on a woman on my Aunt’s softball team and actually crying myself to sleep at night because that made me such a terrible person. I tried very hard to be the person that my family wanted me to be, but I don’t think that would have ever been possible. When I met Jenn everything just felt right. I no longer cared what the world wanted out of me, I simply wanted to be happy, and Jenn made me happy more than anything else did. It was a relief to feel that way. Apparently I made the mistake of labeling myself as a Jennsexual there for awhile, she used it against me after leaving me, telling me that part of the reason she was leaving me was because I wasn’t a real lesbian (says the woman who doesn’t do the #1 thing that lesbians do in bed and was leaving me for a woman who was married to a man). But, now I can say, for certain, I am a lesbian.

Are you proud? I am. I am a lesbian, that is not all of who I am, it is a part, but it is a part that I am very proud of.

A Witchy Update

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Witchy came and brought a plastic kitty-kat that poops jelly beans


The Halloween decorations have made their appearance at the CLAD house, so Witchy decided to hang out with them for the day!


Witchy brought gummy body part sushi for the girls to try. Delaney carried the sushi around with her all day, handing people eyes or fingers or brains. None of this sushi was eaten because by the time we had eaten dinner, all of the gummy sushi was quite fuzzy and dirty from being played with all day!


Witchy decided to combine a trick with a treat today. She took two of Avery and Delaney’s Barbie dolls and bound them up with Glow-In-The-Dark bracelets!! Avery was not happy. She yelled at Witchy telling her never to do it again. Totally cracked me up!!

Witchy is wayyyyy too much fun!!