I began my Twilight reread a few weeks ago in preparation for Breaking Dawn Part One to be released in the theaters next month. I can normally whiz through the whole series in a week, including Midnight Sun and The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. I’m currently stuck in the depths of New Moon. It is taking me for a complete ride on that cliche roller coaster.
For those of you who don’t read teenage vampire drama like Lyz and I so lovingly do, New Moon is the second book in the Twilight Saga. It is the book in which Edward leaves Bella, with no warning. Leaves her lost and alone in the woods. Leaves her with a huge hole in her body where her heart used to be. Bella re-friends an old friend, Jacob. While she is still in the depths of pain surrounding the loss of her Edward, she finds herself unintentionally leading Jacob on. She loves Jacob, but not in the same way he loves her. He claims to understand this, but she knows he thinks he has a chance. He doesn’t. Bella’s heart will always be with Edward. Edward took it with him when he left.
New Moon used to be my least favorite book in the series. I was bored. There was no Edward, what is the point of love without Edward? The only redeeming quality the book held to me was that the movie has the most awesome soundtrack.
But reading it this time is completely different to me. Each turn of the page (or push of a button since I am reading it on Lyz’s Nook while she reads another series on my Kindle) is another tear in that jagged hole in my chest. I understand the hole that Bella talks about. In fact, I understand most of the statements Bella makes about her pain. Understand might not be a strong enough word. I find myself nodding as I read her words. I find tears rolling down my cheeks as I suffer along with her. You can go ahead and laugh, I know it sounds silly. Here I am comparing myself to a teenage vampire romance character. I feel how she feels as she tries to shut it all out.
I think my favorite quote in the book is this one:
Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
While in Ocean City I texted Danielle several times, begging her to drive to me and remove the book from my hands. I would lay in bed quietly reading and rereading passages. Silent tears would fall down my cheeks. I would hug my arms to my chest, holding the pieces of myself together. I knew it was stupid to read the book. I couldn’t stop. I wanted to feel it. It honestly feels so good to feel it! I am tired of the numbness.
I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I’d chosen nothing.
Then there is the Jacob half of my own equation. K really does mean a lot to me. She knows exactly where my heart stands. She upset me a little on Saturday night by asking me what shirt I had on. Asking me how low-cut it was. I don’t need another controller in my life. I spent some time on Sunday morning talking to her about it, and then told her we would discuss it Monday night.
It was like an awful flashback. I felt like I was having the same conversation I had two summers ago with Jenn. But in the end we talked it out. Where with Jenn this would have ended with me asking to be left alone and then just sweeping my feelings under the rug, because my feelings don’t matter.
Tuesday morning, I got into my car at 5:15am and saw two things. First, Orion, high in the sky. Lyz and I had spotted him one morning in Ocean City. It feels so good to have him back. Second, I saw the moon. It was waning crescent, about as close to being New as it could get.
I jumped right into Bella’s head again. It so happened that I was reading the part of the book where Bella is trying to walk the fine line between friendship and romance with Jacob. I gasped. K has been so wonderful, all except that one little slip-up with the shirt, she has been perfect to me. Kind, understanding. I mean, how many people are willing to hold their girlfriend while they cry and mourn their ex??
I was an empty shell. Like a vacant house-condemned-for months I’d been utterly uninhabitable. Now I was a little improved. The front room was in better repair. But that was all-just one small piece. He deserved better than that-better than a one-room, falling down fixer-upper. No amount of investment on his part could but me back in working order. Yet I knew that I wouldn’t send him away, regardless. I needed him too much, and I was selfish.
She understands, scarily so. She swears that it is okay. She tells me all the time that either I will get better and be able to dream of a future, or she will just always be there as my friend. For now, we will have fun and spend time together. She will be there to be another member of the crew holding me together. I had told Lyz that I intended to break up with her when I went over Monday night. I couldn’t, I was selfish. I need K. It sucks.
I’d been broken beyond repair. But I needed Jacob now, needed him like a drug. I’d used him as a crutch for too long, and I was in deeper than I’d planned to go with anyone again.
K asks every so often where I stand in the great chasm of pain.
“You’re still pretty unhappy, aren’t you>” he murmured. I nodded, staring unseeingly into the gloomy forest. “Did you ever think…that maybe…you’re better off?” I inhaled slowly, and then let my breath out. “No.” “‘Cause he wasn’t the best-”
Here is where Bella and I do differ. I know that I am better off. I enjoyed many of the years that I spent with Jenn, but a few of them were wasted. It is my fault they were wasted, please don’t think I’m blaming Jenn. With the loss of Blue we both plunged into a deep depression that neither of us helped the other with. Such is life. It was a comfortable relationship. I’m more disappointed in the way she ended it. The way she just up and disappeared from my life. Just like Edward. Of course, Edward didn’t have an affair or deny the affair. A fictional character has better morals than Jenn does.
So, New Moon is a hard read for me. But I’m almost finished. And I will mourn again at the end of the book. Edward comes back to Bella. Bella accepts him with open arms. Jenn will never come back to Heidi, and if she did, Heidi would turn around and walk away.
I love a happy ending. They are so rare. (Aro)
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Thinking Miracles 