Still the “cool” aunt

When I moved in with CLAD, poor Avery had a rude awakening. She was used to sleepovers…special nights where normal rules are tossed out the window. Staying up late was the norm. Crazy meals, you know, dessert for breakfast, ice cream for dinner. Making crazy messes that don’t need cleaned up.

But…when your aunt moves in with you…..things have to be different. You can’t have cherry pie for breakfast every morning. You have to clean up after yourself as you go. You have to go to bed (most nights) at your actual bedtime.

It has been hard finding that balance. Babysitting the kids sometimes gets them some “normal” aunt time, but there is a lot of babysitting with mommy now having a job outside the house, so even that time has been clouded over by real life.

So tonight, after the girls were forced to find their bedroom floor, I started yelling at them to go downstairs. No changing of clothes. Straight to the car. Aunt Heidi didn’t change her clothes either. Floral pj pants and a shirt from my past life meaning about five sizes too big) were worn. I did put shoes on (which Avery claimed was unfair, but I was driving!).

They had lots of guesses as to where we were headed. Beckett even chimed in with a few giggly screams as his guesses!

I took them to Dairy Queen. Let them pick whatever they wanted. Beckett kinda answered bamina which we decided meant vanilla, so he got a vanilla milkshake. Avery got a piña colada julius, Delaney got vanilla soft serve with sprinkles, whipped cream and cherries, and I got a triple berry julius.

And, Lyz got 15 minutes of peace and quiet while she heals from the worst uti her doctor has ever seen.

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Confidence

The other day I was standing in front of the hotel chatting with jennLynn before she left work and a woman walked past us to go check in. I turned to JennLynn and said:

Why am I afraid to wear certain clothes? That woman is larger than me but is able to pull that outfit off perfectly. The one difference is confidence.

And I decided to go get me some.

Yes, my arms are flabby. Yes, I have this strange belly thing going on because of my weightloss, it just hangs there all ugly. Yes, part of my neck is hidden by a large second chin. So? I’m still beautiful.

My eyes are bright. They may not be the same shade of blue they once were (I have a theory on why, but I will share that another day) but they are large and bright. Add a little eyeliner and they become brighter and sort of mysterious.

My smile is typically front and center. I’ve never really been a smiler. My teeth are a little crooked, and my smoking and tea addictions have yellowed them a bit, but I still smile. To the point that I actually have smile wrinkles.

I like my freckles. I even like the little mole on my nose. I like the shape of my eyebrows (when I’m making time to get them waxed regularly).

I’ve found that super dark hair suits me. I remember telling Lyz last year that I wanted to dye my hair black. She was a little nervous. I went halfway instead and dyed it black cherry. It was awesome. A few nights ago I dyed it a blue black color. Lyz and I agree that it’s the best color I’ve ever had.

I have some rocking cleavage. And I’m not afraid to show that off at all. It distracts from the lumps and bumps I shouldn’t have.

Twice this week I have left the comfort of my home in tops that have no sleeves. I’m not sure what to call them…glorified tube tops? Tops that don’t cover my shoulders at all. All that was on my shoulders was my bra straps. And you know what? Me and my confidence…we rocked that shit.

My one friend Kerry took one look at me, a huge smile burst onto her face, and she said “Heidi, you look amazing!”

Last night we went to Skyler’s graduation party. I rocked the same look, different shirt (bought two of them). Elissa’s mom told me she’s never seen me look so comfortable in my own skin. That means a lot seeing as there was a time when Elissa’s mom really didn’t acknowledge my existence.

Confidence ladies. Be proud of who you are right now. Yes, you can work towards losing a little weight, or finding the perfect hair color or cut. But right now, in this moment, love you and your body for who you are. Enjoy yourself every day.

You won’t see me in a bikini anytime soon, but expect to see a lot ore off and my friend confidence!!

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Finally keeping a promise

Delaney: When are we going to have a backyard campout?
Me: Soon.
Delaney: You’ve said that for two years now. When is soon?
Me: This summer. When I have a day off.
Delaney: Uh-huh, again, saying that for two years. You and the Gina said you would take us backyard camping and well…it hasn’t happened.
Me: Fine. Really soon.

And it happened. We didn’t use a tent, we used a trampoline. We slept right on top. Two adults, two little girls, the world’s longest extention cord, two cell phones and a baby monitor.

And it was awesome.

Making Suhmores
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Getting our really big bed ready
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Selfie time!
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I can’t wait to do it again!

Thinking of my Blue

Dear Blue,

Six candles. Going in to first grade. Probably taking the training wheels off your bike. Bumps and scrapes and bruises. Giggling at fart jokes. Playing computer games. Being such a boy. (So many times I say that to Beckett…)

My pain never eases. I know you’re there. I know you watch me. I feel you. Do you feel the extra squeeze I give your cousins? Avery asked me once, a long time ago, why do you squeeze me twice? Once for you, once for Blue, I hope he feels them.

Tuesday night, Delaney crawled in my bed, slipped under my covers and told me she had a bad dream, can I stay in here? Yes. She then crawled over top of me, grabbed your teddy bear and said “Blue will make the dream go away.” And you did.

I love you. To the moon and back. More than all the stars in the sky. Brighter than the sun. I also miss you. To the moon and back. More than all the stars in the sky. Brighter than the sun.

I feel you, Blue. I feel you in quiet whispers when I’m all alone. In cold breezes on a hot night when I’m searching for Orion in the sky, and he isn’t there. I see you in the smiles on your cousins faces when I kiss them and tickle them and hold them close.

Mommy misses you. I know some day I will hold you close. That will be another day to celebrate you.

Love always,
Mommy

(PS-Don’t forget to wish Aunt Laura a Happy Birthday!!!)

That girl in the mirror and I do not get along

It isn’t her weight. That doesn’t bother me. I honestly don’t judge her based on that. (I am working on weightloss again, please stay tuned for those updates).

It’s her style. The woman I am isn’t the girl who wears t-shirts. The one who flew upstairs and traded her Hotel polo shirt for a t-shirt two days in a row. They were both mostly forgiven, since one was a Harry t-shirt and the I the sports skulls and the holes of a vampire bite. But that isn’t what my head believes I should be wearing.

Oh how I wish I had the budget. I used to say my true sense of style was very Avril Levine. If I was a touch younger I could probably get away with it. But at the ancient age of 36 almost 37…I’m changing a little.

I love sun dresses. They hate my body. I look pregnant. And my boobs are no help. I have this one dress that I adore and wish I had it in 10 different colors.

I finally bought a pair of artfully ripped jeans. Issue being that I pick at the holes. Eventually they will be unwearable. Oops.

I am lusting after this beautiful dress I found on pinupgirlclothing.com. I just am not the kind of girl who spends over $100 on one dress.

I love shirts that fall off my shoulder. I love skirts that are just the right length.

I also love clothes that I’m not afraid to wipe my nephew’s nose on. There is a fuzzy line there. To wipe or not to wipe.

I’m changing. A lot. I wipe noses with my shirt. I kill spiders with my bare hands. I talk to strangers. I plan hikes to haunted places. I buy workout equipment. I get freaked out by a girl who flirts with me because I want no part of being flirted with even though she is kinda my type. I would rather be alone.

I’m not sure why this is happening. I’m not even sure if I like it or not yet. But I accept it. I do like that even with so much falling to shit around me, I’m still kinda strong. I do like that I have come to realize that the only people who can hurt me are the ones I have given the power to do so.

I am me. No one has the right to change that. Not even the girl in the mirror who is wearing a ratty t-shirt.

Life throws some serious curveballs. It’s up to you to catch them or dodge them.

I ovulate around July 10. I’m going to catch that curveball. Even if it is the scariest stupidest thing I ever do.

Finally saw Maleificent!!!

Forgive me for all my extra spelling errors today. I’m writing this in the middle of the night. Took sleeping pills so I’m all outta whack, but still awake. Whine.

Lyz and I took BAD to see Maleificent finally. Didn’t tell them until we were halfway there and I just put “Once Upon A Dream” on really loud. Avery understood first. Her smile that she was really going with me will warm my heart all week.

My thoughts on the movie:
*i love her even more now. She has always been my favorite villain. Now…she’s just even more perfect.

*if you know me really well, and/or share one of my obsessions, I did have one issue with the movie. If you’ve seen it and one of the above is true, you will understand. I texted three people who I knew would get it afterwards and they haven’t seen it yet, so I’m not going to spoil it here.

*at the end of the movie when “Once Upon A Dream” started playing, becket reached to me and started dancing. Again, warm heart. All melty and stuff

*i cried. A lot. It was very moving.

I used to have wings too!!!!