In 11th grade in my home economics class, we were asked to make a wish list of the requirements/characteristics/personality traits that we were looking forward to in our future spouse. I’m pretty sure the first three items on my list made sure that only one person would match my list…my first love.

Obviously a lot of things have changed since then. I’m no longer looking for an eagle scout for one thing. On my drive to work this morning I started thinking about it…

Wait, I have to back up for a second. I finally found the case of cd’s that I have been looking for and threw them in Emma Lee on Sunday. First cd Emma played? I’ll Stand By You…The Pretenders. Second? Nine Inch Nails. Something that hadn’t been played in years because someone really hated them. Then I went to my standard and threw in a Depeche Mode cd.

First love is what made me fall in love with this cd. And more importantly, a certain song on the cd. He told me that his list of needs from his future spouse could all be summed up by this one song. And as I listened to it on my way to work this morning (on repeat of course) I have to say I agree with him. So I present to you, my list:

I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side, and give me support
And in return, she’ll get my support
She will listen to me, when I want to speak
About the world we live in, and life in general
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out, and won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking, in fact she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all, she will understand me

I want somebody who cares, for me passionatley
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who’ll help me see things, in a different light
All the things I detest, I will almost like
I don’t want to be tied, to anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I’m asleep, I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me and kiss me…tenderly
When things like this, make me sick
In a case like this, I’ll get away with it
And in a place like this, I’ll get away with it…


Yup, still a moron.

I have quite a bit of free time on my hands this weekend. So, when I got home from work last night I decided to be productive and headed out to CLAD’s garage to clear out that pile of my stuff, even though several people advised me not to. (Hi Mom, K, and Danielle!)

But it is done. I did have one long crying jag. I texted Danielle when I couldn’t breathe any longer. I think I summed up what I feel when I have to go through things pretty good.

“I can’t breathe. Every picture is of us. Every book-I can tell you exactly where and when we bought it. Everything. 15 years of things stained with her!”

Danielle used the word tainted in her reply. Tainted is a good word. Nothing is actually ruined. It is all just contaminated.

I separated into 5 piles. My Room, Pack, Save for Jenn, Garage Sale, Trash. I’d say unless it was a book that I have read multiple times, it went into one of the last two piles.

Then I did something very big. I hung something on the wall in my bedroom. Lyz had tried to prompt me into hanging things within days of me moving in. I just couldn’t do it. At the time I really wasn’t sure if I was going to stay. All I really wanted to do was run away from everyone, everything. But, I guess CLAD is stuck with me for a bit.

Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see.

I see nothing right now, I simply have the faith that I will get through this, get past this, get on with living.

Avery’s Big Day

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Avery graduated from preschool today. There were lots of tears. All shed by her mother and I. Oh, and Delaney, but that is only because we wouldn’t give her another piece of cake.

Pomp and Circumstance was played:

I’m a Little Teapot and Alligator were sung:

Diplomas were handed out:

Mom and Dad were thanked:

(the whole thing said We Love You Mom and Dad)

Caps were tossed:

Everyone posed:

And of course, cake was eaten:

To further celebrate the big event we went to Red Robin for dinner and then to see the Ringling Brothers/Barnum and Bailey Circus!!!

I forced poor Avery to ask the elephant trainer a million questions, because I thought she was hot.

More Circus pictures in a slideshow so that you don’t have to scroll through them all!!

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On Religion

The other night K and I were talking and she brought up religion. She knows my feelings on the subject. She knows my upbringing, she knows that I currently am not on speaking terms with any God.

Here-in lies a problem. K wants to go to school to be a minister. Reason #3(?) that I know K and I are not a forever kinda couple.

I’ve played the role of minister’s daughter, you know, we are the ones that always go “bad”. Yup, that’s me.

She asked me if I would be willing to give it another chance. Go to church with her one Sunday. She said all of the things that normally make me roll my eyes about how if I would just listen, God would tell me what is going on, what he has planned for me.

I only slightly rolled my eyes.

I really have nothing against religion. I believe that everyone can believe whatever it is they want, as long as their beliefs aren’t hurting anyone other than themselves. I see the social draw that religion has. The church groups, the activities, things like that. I just find it hard to believe that so few religions want me to be happy. I fell in love with a woman. I never intended for that to happen. When I met Jenn I was a seriously religious person. I can remember Jenn and I passing notes during our psychology class that we were evil evil people and were going to hell over what we had gotten ourselves into.

Over the years I have tried again and again to go back to some sort of religion. It started as Jenn not wanting to. Then by the time Jenn got on board with the idea I had decided that I wasn’t speaking to God.

I don’t know what the point of this post is. Other than to say that I am considering researching some form of religion. I have no idea if it will involve a god, or meditation, or shopping. I just know that I am thinking about something. Maybe.

Have I mentioned I’m a moron??

Or maybe I am just a glutton for punishment. Who knows. Either way, I made a stupid move last night.

I went up to bed at 10pm to talk to K for a bit. We hung up around 11. I read, felt myself falling asleep so I turned off the light. Maybe I need to start sleeping with the light on. As soon as the light was off I started to feel the overwhelming sadness creep over me. Or maybe the alcohol I had tried to numb myself with earlier was finally wearing off. Again, Who knows.

So I did what any smart human being would do. I got up and decided to clean out my hope chest.

Dumb-ass move there Heidi.

Do you know what the majority of my hope chest is filled with? Wedding memorabilia. Yup. I lasted about 15 minutes. After about the third card I read that said “The two of you are meant to be together more than any two people I know” I started dry heaving. So I set the cards aside. Then I picked up a folder full of papers. Right on top was a copy of the wedding ceremony I spent weeks perfecting. Weeks of writing, rewriting, and fine tuning promises that we would make to each other. Promises to always support each other. To always be true to one another. To never forsake one another.

So I threw everything back into the hope chest. It is even less organized now that it was before. I crawled into bed and played Angry Birds for an hour until I was so far gone that I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

Somehow, I woke up this morning feeling okay. I know I kept my promises. I know that I gave her every ounce of love I had to give her. It may not have been enough, but I gave it. I did everything I could to keep my promises. I may not have been the perfect person she needed me to be, but I kept my promises. I still believe it is my fault that our marriage fell apart, don’t get me wrong. I should have done more than I could do. I’m not sure how, but I should have found a way.

I am still having a having a hard time releasing myself from my vows. I have been writing that post for weeks. I am having a very hard time going back on my vows. I made those promises with every intention to keep them for the rest of my life. I don’t make promises lightly. It is why I stayed with Jenn even when I didn’t want to. But again, that is another post.

For now, I’m going to enjoy my good day. I’m going to enjoy the fact that when I got home last night I felt loved and welcomed. I’m going to enjoy the fact that tomorrow I get to witness a very big step in Avery’s life…preschool graduation. Another promise kept.

One of those days…

Where I don’t know how to feel. I went to bed early last night. I couldn’t hold myself together any longer. As I walked away Lyz asked “Are you going to bed now in the hopes that you will be asleep by midnight?” Yup.

I read for a little and actually fell asleep at 10:30. A new record for me. Sadly, I was back up at 11:30. I had a bad dream. I wouldn’t call it a nightmare, which I am thankful for. So many of my nights are filled with nightmares that simple bad dreams are a blessing.

I don’t know if I should feel happy or sad. Lost or finally found. Burdened or relieved.

I do miss her terribly. I miss her the person, not just our relationship. I wanted so much to still be friends with her, even after all of the hurt she gave me.

I’m so tired of feeling this way. I text her old number quite often. I know it is disconnected, and it wouldn’t really matter anyway because I have it blocked so I can’t even send it texts. I get a message back saying “The recipient you are sending to is in your block list. You have chosen to block all texts from (and to) this recipient). But it feels good to “send” her my thoughts. To send her the thoughts I would’ve shared with her if she was sitting next to me. Like on Sunday night I caught up on one of “our” favorite shows. There is a line in the theme song that I used to always sing and she would tease me if I was distracted and didn’t sing it to her. So I texted it to her. And I cried. I cried at the beginning of each of the 6 episodes that were sitting there on my DVR.

I sent her one on Saturday afternoon. I found a spot of anger. The text said “I really hate your ass right now.” I was sitting at Avery’s dance recital. Remembering the conversation Avery and I had the night before.

I’m so tired of the physical pain. I’m tired of the hole in my chest that burns. I’m so angry right now. No, not at Jenn. At me. I’m angry for trusting her. I’m angry for believing her. She used to always tell me “I will never be the one to walk away from this relationship. I will never leave you. It will be you leaving me.” I used to laugh and promise that I would never leave her. I still haven’t left her. She still owns my heart. That is why every time I move I feel it rip and tear. She is holding it.

But there are so many happy moments. Moments when I am relieved that she isn’t my wife anymore. Moments when I feel like I finally know who I am. I live for those moments. They seem to come when I am with the girls, or laughing with Lyz and Chris, or even talking to K. I am amazed by the way I feel when I am with K.

Lyz said the other day that she thinks I will someday begin to have deeper feelings for K. I really don’t think so, but K has totally opened my eyes to the way things should be. I have never felt so safe, cared for and appreciated as I do when I am with her. She anticipates my needs. When I saw her the other day she left me one of her shirts. I used to have to beg Jenn to do this. K just thought that since I had slept so well at her house, maybe having her shirt with me would help a little.

Maybe that is why my nightmares have been downgraded to bad dreams.