I do a lot of these posts

• Saturday-Chris is the softball commissioner.  So I went with them to help with sign-ups.  We spent three hours collecting information.  I swear I am getting really old and dumb because I had to make a cheat sheet so I would remember everything.  And I still kept messing up.  70+50 is not 130.  And anyone over 9 is travel.  Jeez Heidi.  Then we ran home and everyone changed and got themselves beautified.  Chris and Lyz had a hot date with a Hot Pocket (I’m laughing at the way I just described what they did.  I’m sure it makes no sense to you, but it is funny to me) and I headed out with Crush, her sister and a friend to see Sister’s boyfriend’s band.  Have I mentioned lately that I’m terribly shy?  Crush texted me at one point asking if I was ok, and I said “Yep, just trying not to panic!!”  The band was pretty good.  I was annoyed by the lead singer.  He had that uber comb over hairstyle that was so very popular last year (think Justin Beiber to the extreme) and he spent the entire time brushing it out of his eyes.  I wanted to go up on stage and buzz it for him.  Then he made it better by falling two or three times and hitting himself in the face with is microphone. Sister’s boyfriend was good, so all was well!  The second band was pretty good too, but their lead singer looked like the male version of Kristen Stewart.  I kept hearing her whiny voice begging for Edward.  I also really enjoyed the people watching!!  Crush’s and mine’s after concert plans fell through, so after a fun game of “What do you want to do?  I don’t know, what do you want to do?” we settled on heading home and ordering pizza.  We watched a very interesting television show and then Googled some of the things they were talking about because we didn’t understand and screamed at some of the pictures.  People do strange things y’all.  We also talked.  A lot.  I love the fact that we can talk so comfortably.  About anything.  We talked about music and our ex’s and our families.  I’m just so very comfortable with her.  (PS, Crush died her hair and I love it!!  I forgot to take a picture where you couldn’t see her face though, so you will just have to believe me when I say it is awesome!!)
• Sunday-Nanny’s memorial service.  It was a beautiful service.  I was brought to tears by the family member that I would have least expected to be able to do that.  After the service we had fun talking it all over.  And we were all starving.  This lead to the invention of the after funeral pretzel sandwich.  It is these kind of moments that I cherish.  We also had a judging of the various cookies.  There were two different cookie stations and once we realized there were different cookies at each station, well…these are things they should announce.  I almost missed out on pecan pie cookies for crying out loud!!  We went home and ordered dinner.  There was no milk.  So I ran out to get milk, Lyz wanted a slushie, Chris asked me to return a dvd, Avery wanted to watch a movie.  So I gathered all of the above and we (minus poor Chris who had to work) settled in on the couch with slushies to watch the Muppets Take Manhattan.  Delaney was asleep 10 minutes into it.
• Monday-My day with the girls!!  I do love me some Monday.  Delaney comes into bed with me around 7 and we watch about 10 minutes of tv before she gets too noisy and I have to take her downstairs (Chris is sleeping after working all night).  We head downstairs to make breakfast.  I was walking down the hallway to go wake Avery up and she is standing on the stairs yelling at me because she is going to be late for school.  I kinda giggled at her and told her it is only time for you to wake up, relax.  Once both girls were off to school I went back to bed for an hour.  When Chris got up I talked to him for a bit and then he left to pick the girls up and head to the gym.  I cleaned up, started laundry and ran to the store for dinner.  We had cheese and broccoli quiche, brussel sprouts and caeser salad.  I was thrilled that someone actually requested a meal.  I have a minor panic attack each Monday trying to decide what to make for dinner!!  Chris dropped the girls back off and they helped me make dinner.  (PS, asking a three and six year old to whisk eggs is entertaining.)  When everyone was home we ate, Avery and Chris went to TKD.  When they were back, Lyz and I went to watch the Hop Holla’s first basketball game.  Have I mentioned lately how awesome Lyz’s friends are?  Well, I suppose I could call them my friends too.

So that was my last three days in a nutshell!!  Phew!

What I learned in January 2012

• I learned that the trash can in the guest bathroom is only for show.  Nothing should be actually thrown into the trash can.
• I learned that if a three year old climbs into your bed at 5:30am, half naked, maybe you should go check their bed to see if it is possible that they peed it.
• I learned that it is possible for me to beat my own texting record.
• I learned that Mother Nature hates my guts.
• I learned that Crush tells Brock secrets, and I sometimes find myself talking to Brock trying to get him to share the secrets with me.  (In case you don’t know who Brock is, he is my pet fish.  I’m pretty sure he isn’t sharing the secrets anytime soon)
• I learned that the safe place does still exist at CLAD’s.  But that if you don’t invite Chris there when you have to share something, he gets jealous.
• I learned that I need to take my own advice.  That if something freaks me out, I shouldn’t freak out that it freaks someone else out (vague enough for you?)
• I learned that Lyz knows some of the world’s most awesome people.
• I learned that Chris really does want to know most of my drama, and that if I don’t include him, he could be hurt.  (And yes, this was separate drama from “the safe place”)
• I learned that I get more upset about things that haven’t happened yet, then I do when they actually happen.  I need to stop that.

Stuff

I am not the only one who has weird food issues.  After I posted my post the other day Crush shared some of hers with me.

• She doesn’t like anything stuffed.  Ravioli, stuffed shells, etc.  The idea of stuffed is gross to her.
• She doesn’t like any white creamy substances. Mayo, Alfredo sauce, etc.
• No sausage links.  Just gross.
• Non-Food–She does not like the word embed or embedded.  Makes her gag.  She couldn’t even get the word out of her mouth while telling me this.
• She does not eat anything from the ocean.  Except maybe tuna but only in a tuna sandwich and it can’t be grossly coated in mayo

Nice to know I’m not the only freak!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The last few nights Chris, Lyz and I have gathered on the couch for reality television and Words with Friends playing.  We are each on our respective corners of the sectional and have mulitple games going.  Chris gets very demanding with the game you are playing with him.  My phone doesn’t always warn me when it is my turn to play, so Lyz got smart and just makes the WWF noise.  Chris, on the other hand, simply yells at me “It is your turn Heidi, COME ON!”  So the other day when I mentioned that Crush would be coming over last night, they both looked up from their phones and said “Make sure she brings something to play Words with Friends with.”

So last night there were four of us together on the couch playing multiple games of Words with Friends.  It made me smile.  A lot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a big fun day yesterday that included my cell phone refusing to turn on.  I should be married to my phone.  I text a lot.  I feel disconnected if I am unable to receive texts.  Alone.  Lost.  When it went out on me I ran into my boss’s office and begged to go to the store to get it fixed.  He just laughed and sent me away.  So off I went (after posting on facebook and emailing Crush that I was unavailable via phone).  When the guy got it working again he laid it on the counter while he finished up paperwork.  All of the sudden it started going berserk.  It was crawling across the counter due to all of the vibrations.  Why??  Because in the hour and a half that the phone was not working, it was supposed to be receiving 54 text, and they were all coming through at once.  He looked up at me and said “You text a lot”  then started typing in his computer.  He looked at me again and said “Did you know you had over 15,000 texts last month?”  My pathetic response??  Oh, well that is a new record for me.

15,406.  You can tell when I met Crush.  10/25-11/25 there were 5848 texts.  I met Crush in the beginning of December.  11/25-12/25 I had 8,863.  I almost doubled for 12/25-1/25.  Holy crap.  Now, I do get a lot of coupons, daily deals, updates, facebook stuff and other non-human texts.  But still.  I think I have a problem.  Not that I am going to do anything about that problem, because I’m betting that the doubling is all texts to Crush.  Although, I did manage to finally get up the courage to call her the other night, so maybe some of those texts will go away if we start talking on the phone instead of just texting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the way home from the cell phone place, my precious little Emma (the car) decided to pull her favorite nonsense on me and die on the side of the road.  Thankfully Monica, a friend of mine from work, was able to come help me get her started again.  So in one day I had to deal with a dead phone and a dead car.  Grrr.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had just shared an embarrassing story in this space.  Then deleted.  I decided that I was too embarrassed about how big of a dork I am.  Move along.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday night we had softball signups.  Chris is the softball commissioner, so Lyz and I were the ones people were signing up with.  Elissa came to sign Belle up.  I was stealing hugs from Skyler and Austin when I noticed the most amazing thing.  Skyler is almost as tall as me.  He will be 16 in March.  I met him when he was 8 months old.  Holy crap.  Where in the world did time go?  (Meanwhile, Belle is still a very very tiny girl, Avery towers over her.  Avery is 6.  Belle is 11.  Weird.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Okay, enough ramblings!!  xxoo

Coming Out of the Hoarding Closet

This post brought to you by the conversation I am having with Crush (via text) about strange things about us.

I have shared some of my weird things about me with you before.  See Here   Here   and  Here in cause you’ve only found me recently.

Anywho, this morning Crush and I were talking about stuff and I asked her to tell me something I didn’t know about her.  She said she needed to think about it and asked me the same question.  I responded that “I’m a closet hoarder, but I’m well behaved about it.”

I am.  I’m more of a memory hoarder though.  I don’t go out and buy things just to have them.  I keep strange things.  My very first scrapbook started when I was in high school.  The amount of crazy things in it is astounding.  There are turkey wishbones, straw wrappers, concert ticket stubs, movie ticket stubs, receipts, if it fit in a scrapbook, it is in there.  Weirdest item??  My braces.  Yep, saved those too.

My collecting became an issue when I got back from Idaho.  I believe it was my mom who told me that I needed to control it.  If it didn’t fit in a scrapbook or my kitty box (a cube shaped box with a lock on it…about 3 feet square, I have now upgraded to a hope chest) it should probably go.  I learned to live by that.  If the kitty box got too full, I would go through all of the things, decide which was least important, and let it go.

I know what is least important in the hope chest now.  Wedding stuff.  From the place cards, to the index cards that I used to keep track of rsvp’s and gifts, to all of the wishes I had people write for us.  That can all go.  I will keep the pictures.  But I don’t see the point in keeping anythings else.  The pictures I want to save simply because that was how Blue’s mommies got married.  He deserves for them to be kept.

Crush and I talked about our hoarding a little, then she confessed that she collects duffel bags.  That cracked me up.  Why?  Because I have a thing for the reusable grocery shopping bags.  I have a whole shelf full of them.  From different stores and businesses.  From a funeral home.  From buying them at the actual grocery store!!  I like them.  Weird thing is, I hardly ever use them!!  (Crush just cringed.  She’s very eco-friendly)

Anywho, moral of the story is that I am a memory hoarder.  I have no problem admitting it.

**This is all in my head now because the other day I finished my 2011 scrapbook (a whole year of just me!! So proud of myself!!)  I was sorting through the pile of things I had already collected for January and noticed that I am missing a ticket stub.  I’m very upset that I cannot find the ticket stub.  I actually cried.  I will be going through everything in my room in the hopes that the ticket stub reappears.  I must have that ticket stub**

More on weight loss

It is an interesting thing watching numbers go down on a scale. I see them. I know it is happening. Yet, sometimes I don’t really accept it. In fact, the vast majority of the time I don’t accept it at all.

Example: The week before Christmas I went out to buy Christmas Eve pajamas (by the way, the way Crush says pajamas is way too cute…she has a slight southern accent). I looked through the selection and found fun pink with black polka dotted ones. Then I sighed. They didn’t have my size. I reminded myself that I have lost weight and took a leap of faith, picking the next size down. When I got home that night I went to wrap them up. I thought to myself, what if they don’t fit?? Won’t I look like a fool on Christmas Eve with pajamas that are too small??

Um…quite the opposite. They were gigantic. Huge. I was swimming in them. To the point that on Christmas Eve (and again on New Year’s Eve) I had to have Lyz bunch them up in the back and held the pants on with a rubber band.

I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I have lost weight. Those numbers cannot lie. I cannot stand in a different position on the scale and have it change my weight by the amount that it has changed in the last year. That would be impossible. But my head just will not accept that I am no longer the size I once was.

When I went shopping a few weeks ago, I walked into the changing room with an armful of jeans in various sizes. I assume I am not the only girl who starts with the biggest size and then works my way down? I tried on the first pair. Huge. Second pair. Huge. Third pair. Huge. Smallest pair. Guess what, they were still too big. I went back out and came in with pants of a size I don’t remember ever wearing. And oh my heck, they fit!! I did a little happy dance right there in the teeny tiny dressing room.

It happened again this week. I grabbed a shirt out of the closet. A shirt I can remember throwing back into the closet a year ago, because I didn’t like how tight it looked. Um, yeah, I’m swimming in it. I look like a slob.

Then one night Lyz came home with a beautiful new wool coat. She had bought it because her old one was too big, and she needed one for the funeral. I mentioned that I was going to go find my wool coat and she just raised her eyebrows at me. My head said “what????” but I knew. Heidi, there is no way that coat is going to look good on you. She walked to the closet and got her old one out. I freaked out a little in my head because I totally did not want to try it on. There is no way I fit into Lyz’s old coat. She was always so much smaller than me. I took a deep breath and slid my arms into it…it fit. Oh my heck…it fit!! (I did end up going to find my old wool coat…it looked horrible.)

So, to the funeral, I wore Lyz’s old coat and Lyz’s old pants. I’m wearing Lyz’s old clothes people. In fact, some of Lyz’s old clothes are too big. I tried on a pair of shorts she had given me last June when they became to big for her. I had tried them on then, and I looked like sausage. Lyz has perfect legs. Mine, not so much. While I could button and zip them, there was no way I was ever going to be seen in public with my fat thighs all shoved in like that. But we leave for vacation soon…I need shorts. So I pulled them out of the summer tub and tried them on. THEY FIT!!! I showed Lyz, asking her opinion…do they look okay? Would you go out with me in public with these shorts on?? Yes!

I’m losing weight. I see the numbers go down. I see myself in clothing in sizes that I don’t remember ever wearing. Yet I still have a hard time accepting it. This isn’t a self esteem issue. I have more self esteem ever, yet it has nothing to do with weight loss. I simply know now that I am worth so much more than I used to be lead to believe I was. But I cannot wrap my head around wearing clothes in smaller sizes?? It is just weird. All of those times that I have said “This is the year that I will lose the weight” and now is finally the time.

I keep motivational phrases on my bathroom mirror. Avery teases me for it. Right now this picture is up there:

Avery asked for an explanation. When I told her that I keep putting things on the mirror to keep me motivated to stay healthy (we don’t talk about being thin or skinny or say that being overweight is bad, we simply tell Avery we are striving to be healthy people). A day or two later a new sign appeared on the mirror. It simply said Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go GO Heidi!!!!! Written in the beautiful script of a six year old.

Last week I added an article from People Magazine’s “I’ve lost half of myself” issue. This is my new goal. I want to be in People Magazine. I have already chosen my before picture. I have already written my “headline”. I will show up in this magazine my dear readers. I have no idea if I will be wearing baggy clothes because I still won’t have accepted that I’ve lost weight, but I will be there.

Your first glimpse at Crush

Crush came over the other day to visit. Have I ever mentioned how much fun I have with her?? We goof around and talk and hang out and watch movies and read (I’ve got her hooked on The Hunger Games. For those who care, she just finished Book Two and is Team Gale.) and just have fun. She is so easy to hang out with!!

Anywho, we were hoping that the expected snow would make it impossible for her to get to work, but, Mother Nature hates me and decided to just let it snow a little bit and not give us any of the anticipated freezing rain, so poor Crush had to go to work BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

So while I watched her clean off her car, I snapped a few pictures. Crush has approved these pictures to appear on the blog, because, well, you can’t really see her face lol. She’s still a little on the shy side 🙂

So….without further ado…CRUSH

(Those of you who know Crush’s real identity…shhhhhh)
(And yes, this is further out of the closet than I ever got with K!!)

This is a Stick-Up

Look over there——->——->——->
(You may have to click “Home” above to get the right sidebar of my blog to appear. Or, if you are reading this in a reader, you’re going to have to go to my actual blog to see what the freak I am talking about)

I’m doing this insane thing. It is called the Polar Bear Plunge. This will involve me putting my body into the freezing cold water of the Susquehanna River.

Why? Well first, because I am insane, but y’all knew that already. (Chris called me mental yesterday, I looked back at him and said “You know that” he replied, “Yes, yes I did.”) But I’m really doing it for a good cause…The Special Olympics. (And because I really wanted to do it last year but SOMEONE wouldn’t let me sign-up and by the time I realized I no longer needed SOMEONE’S permission, it was too late)

So…should you have a few dollars laying around, please feel free to donate it to a good cause and I swear there will be pictures of my pale, fat body dripping with frozen water for y’all to view!!

If you would like to donate, click on the picture, then on the left of the screen “Sponsor Participant” My name is Heidi Milley (really, if you didn’t know my last name by now, you are a bad stalker lol)

MOM THIS WHOLE POST IS DIRECTED AT YOU!!!!!!!

(the plunge is in two weeks!!)

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Grief

It has been over 4 years now, but there are still moments where I am left in paralyzing grief. Most of the time the grief is very silent. I am never in a time or place where I am free to express what I feel. No, I don’t mean the people who surround me are not accepting of my grief, but society as a whole.

When you are walking along and see a child, the right age, the right shade of brown hair, cute little freckles on their cheeks and for a split moment your heart believes that is your child. The one you picture so often in your head. That split moment where your lips want to tell the child to come back to mommy. That one moment of peace before you get your heart ripped to shreds by the realization that your child isn’t there. Because your child has wings, not a Tonka truck.

I actually snapped at a coworker this morning, due to grief. I owe her an apology. I was complaining about having cramps (stupid period that decides to be a perfect 30 day cycle. ~mind wanders further to hear Delaney scream “Heidi said a bad word” since Lyz and Chris are trying to remove stupid from her vocabulary~) Coworker replied “Since you can’t have kids why don’t you just get it all taken care of.”

I instantly snapped back with I can have children, it just so happens that they all die!

It sucks. I hate the label. I am a habitual aborter. I don’t know if there will ever come a day where I am able to prove that label wrong. Lyz asked me awhile back, if someone gave you the opportunity to have a baby right now, would you take it. My instant sarcastic attitude responded with “Well I’d have to check with my landlords”. After an eye-roll from Lyz, I answered yes, because that chance just seems so far away.

Being a single mom sounds terrifying. I mean, yes, I am a single mom now, but my child is taken care of by family and friends above. I have no responsibilities to burden me, other than his memory.

Between Blue’s birthday, the one year divorceaversary, and now Nanny’s passing, I feel quite raw.

So I mourn. I grieve. I get angry. Usually I can hold it all in, be silent. But with this horrible week, I’m not strong enough. I need to let some flow out of me.

So I let the emotions flow through my fingers. Out onto a computer screen. Out of me. Like asking you all to suck the poison from a rattlesnake bite from my body.

So, I shall go home, find my two nieces, and hug them extra hard, until Avery squeaks out “What was that for?” and then I will squeeze again. For in them, I find peace.

Nanny

I’ve talked about Chris’s grandmother a few times here. Nanny rocks. For a long time, when I had first met her, she wasn’t very warm to me. Then one day we were standing in her kitchen and I was looking in the glass front cabinets and said “Are those salt dips??” Nanny loved me from that point on.

She didn’t know my name for awhile. Jenn and I were “The girl with the big boobs and the one that looks like a boy”. Since Jenn left, Nanny worried about me a lot. Every time I saw her she would ask if I was still living with CLAD. At first I thought she was wanting me to leave, that I was a burden to them. Joni told me that it was because she was worried, she didn’t want me to be alone.

For Christmas, Nanny bought me a beautiful necklace with several charms that all have different meanings like hope, peace and faith. I was brought to tears. It was such a thoughtful and unexpected gift.

Last night, Chris, Lyz and I had just got settled in on the couch, in our pj’s, to watch tv after the girls were tucked into bed. Chris’s phone rang. Chris keeps a very plaster face, we can never tell what kind of phone call he is on. His last words were “I’m on my way” as he stood up. He turned to us and said that Nanny was being taken to the hospital, either a stroke or a heart attack. Lyz and Chris flew through the house getting dressed and ran out the door.

I paced. I checked on the girls at least 30 times. Lyz called to let me know she was doing ok, taking her in for tests. I relaxed a little, Lyz’s voice was calm. I laid in bed reading and watching Harry Potter. Around midnight I got a text that they were on their way home.

Lyz came in and told me that Nanny has two blood clots in her arm, one of them is in an artery that leads to her brain, so surgery is out. They are giving her heparin. She will be in the hospital for a while, but for now, all is well.

I fell asleep comfortable in the knowledge that Nanny was under the best care possible.

Sitting at work this morning, I heard my phone start to vibrate on the desk. I knew. Lyz’s name and face popped up. I really didn’t want to answer. The longer you don’t know something, the less it can hurt, right? Hello? She….didn’t….make it. I listened to Lyz for a few minutes, gave her my love. She had to go, so many things to do. Listening to her cry made me die a little. She was most upset about having to tell Avery. Avery had asked if she could draw a picture for Nanny to take with them when they went to visit her after school. Of course!! Now Lyz would have to tell Avery that Nanny was gone.

This isn’t fair. My CLAD has been beaten and bruised so much these past few years.

Nanny, you are awesome. I loved getting hugs from you. I loved the fact that you spent this past year making me feel more and more welcome in your home. I love that a few weeks ago you gave me a lecture on how I better show up for the family Christmas party. I love that at New Year’s dinner you kept making me put more and more pork and sauerkraut on my plate “That’s all your going to take?? No, more…more…that’s better!!” I love you, Nanny. Thank you for being in my life, and welcoming me into yours.

CLAD, I love you, We got this.

On to Better, Happier, Makes My Cheeks Hurt From Smiling, Things

On Tuesday, Crush texted me asking me for my email and mailing address, and telling me not to ask why.  I wrote back with the information and a joking “Am I about to start getting junk mail from your work?”

On Wednesday she admitted that she had sent me something, and was upset that it wasn’t going to arrive that day. My wheels started to turn…what could it be? You all know how much patience I have…less than zero.

On Thursday she asks me to find out if any packages were at the house for me, we would be meeting at my work, and she would stop and get it if it was there. No package.

On Friday she tells me that it left Texas on Thursday.

Saturday Lyz yells upstairs that a package is there for me. I got it and texted Crush…there is a package sitting on my bed. From where? Texas, should I open it? Well yeah!!

Inside was the most amazing thing. This adorable teddy bear:

Even more amazing was the envelope that was in the box with the teddy bear:

She had a star named for Blue. Not just any star, a star in the constellation Orion. I was speechless. The note says “For Blue, may he live in your heart forever and watch over you from above.”

A star. For Blue. In the constellation Orion. Is your jaw on the floor?? Do you have tears running down your cheeks at how totally amazing and wonderful and thoughtful this gift is??

I must have told Crush thank you a hundred times. Do you like it? Um, YES!!! The gift is amazing. Crush is amazing.

I went downstairs with the bear and certificate and handed it to Lyz. She smiled “I know, she texted me to make sure you didn’t already have one.” I pointed to the part that said Orion, she knew that too!! I walked over and showed Joni, she smiled and said “Yes,she’s a keeper.”

Crush is a keeper. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. Even if nothing ever happens romantically between us, I am so glad I found such a wonderful friend.

And I know she is reading this, so I will say it again, Thank you. It is one of the most amazing and thoughtful gifts I have ever been given. I’m simply blown away. You might be tired of hearing (reading) it, but thank you again!!!!