Protected: All About the BABY!!

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Protected: I have found my next obsession…

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Protected: Mingo Monday 6/25/12

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Password Update

I believe that I have either given everyone the password that requested it, or sent back a quiz to people that I don’t “know”.  If you have heard no response from me, please send an email to heidimingo at gmail dot com  There was no one that I saw that I would deny, just people that I didn’t know so I asked a simple question.

Regular posting will resume in a few days.

One Last Open Post

Truth is…I’ve been quiet because I hate that my blog has become information central. If someone wants to be a part of CLAD1/2+J+H’s life, they simply need to be a part of it, not spend their time spying and sending their friends to try and dig information out of friends of ours. You want to know when the baby is due??? How about you ask us? The baby is due around my birthday. There is your answer. Do I know the exact date that the baby will be born?? You bet. Am I going to share it here? Not until the blog is locked down.

There is another reason. I have this new “friend”. I have been getting some awesome anonymous emails. The latest telling me what a horrible person I am for allowing this:

I “let” Lyz do the Warrior Dash, therefore I am a HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. Um, list of reasons why this makes me laugh:

1. Lyz is an adult.  Sure, I’m a couple of years older than her, but I do not have the right to “LET” her do anything.
2. She had her doctors permission.
3. Chris, after completion of the Warrior Dash, said it was lame, and unathletic me could’ve done it.  (G and I have already promised to do it with them next year)
4. Lyz is in the best shape of her life.
5. How could anyone deny this simply beautiful woman anything she wants…I mean, just look at the cuteness!!

Seriously people.  I know a lot of control freaks out there, hell, I used to be married to one, but control freak I am not.  Supportive, that’s me!!!

My other favorite email involved telling me just how far G is out of my league.  She is way too hot, and way too “cool” for me.  I’m a frumpy, ugly, boring chick, and I deserve the same.  Sigh, because my brain had never thought those things before.  One department I really don’t need any assistance in, is the low self esteem department.  So if you are going to send me such fun emails, at least make them fresh, new and entertaining, please?

Moral of the story: the blog is going on lockdown.  I miss it.  I want it back.  Will I lose other readers in the process?  I’m sure.  But I’ve lost a lot anyway due to the fact that I so rarely update.  I miss being able to brag about my beautiful nieces.  I’m sad that my new niece/nephew has hardly gotten any blog time because I simply feel too private to share.

Email me for the password.  Most people will get it, no problem.  If you aren’t a commenter, I’m going to use your ip address to match you up in my head as a long time reader, or a potential stalker.  So don’t be afraid to ask for the password just because you don’t think I know you.

Goodbye freedom of speech, hello freedom.

 

***UPDATE*** This will be a new password, not the old one

Thinking of Blue Day, 2012

Dear Blue,

Here it is, June 19th again. I have always thought that as time passed, this day would get easier. It doesn’t. Time does not heal all wounds. Whoever said that is a liar.

The wound in my heart is just as raw and painful as it was four and a half years ago. I miss you more and more every single passing day. I didn’t know it would be possible to miss you any more than I did in those first few moments. Those moments of realizing that your heart was not beating inside of me, that you weren’t swimming around in my belly anymore. Those were very hard moments, but no easier than any moments since.

Moral of the story, to say I miss you is an understatement. Avery and Delaney ask about you all the time. Your cousins miss you too. We all do. People who didnt even know that you were on this Earth but know your story now, miss you.

That you for the small time that you were able to bless us with your presence here in this life. Thank you for being our angel watching over us every day. I am one lucky woman to be blessed to be your mommy.

The number one thing I am thankful for? Honestly, it makes me sound quite selfish. I will always be able to say that I am the only person who ever held you.

I love you, always,

Mommy

Ps…don’t forget to with your Aunt Laura a happy birthday too!!!!

Anniversaries

Today I celebrate two anniversaries. One makes me feel very very old. 17 years ago today, I graduated from high school. HOLY CRAP. I don’t have any pictures of my graduating self online, but this was taken the day I graduated:

Every time I see this picture I laugh. Why? Because I am wearing jelly shoes. My mother and I had a big old fight over those darn jelly shoes. She was not happy at all that I wore them to graduation. I loved those shoes. Wish I still had them!

Today is also my 14 year anniversary of working at The Hotel. I took this job as a quick hold me over until I found a job at a different hotel. When interviewed, I was told that they had just hired someone, but would call me if an opening became available. My boss liked me so much that by the time I got home there was a message on my answering machine asking me when I could start! I planned on staying about two weeks.

One of the desk clerks I used to work with once said “Heidi, you and Roxanne will only leave The Hotel if it is in a body bag.” I laughed. Sadly, part of that came true. Roxanne did leave in a body bag. I stop by her memorial garden here at The Hotel all the time, I do miss her terribly.

14 years later, I am still here and love this job more than anyone should love a job. I love my boss. He is like a big brother to me. We joke and laugh and tease each other. I enjoy doing things that drive him insane, and he likes to stand next to me poking me. We get a long great. I owe him so so much over the years. I have made many great friends while working here. I’ve been promoted, I’ve gotten lots of raises, there are things that need done here that only I know how to do. (As proven every year while I’m in Florida…phone rings “Hey Heidi, whatcha doin??? Watching Shamu. Oh, call me back when you’re done??)

This job has been such a blessing to me, in more ways than I will ever be able to tell you. I’m very much looking forward to my 20 year anniversary…boss is sending me to Europe!!! Six more years to go!

Regrets or What Ifs…not sure which I’m talking about

I’m not big on regret. There are things that I wish I had never done, but I don’t necessarily regret the outcomes. Every decision I have made in my life has made me who I am today. You know, butterfly effect and all that new age bull. (Honestly, if I was rich, I could totally be a freaky earthy-crunchy granola whore, but then Lyz would hurt herself rolling her eyes at me all the time, so for the greater good, I shall not change my ways lol)

I do tend to focus some on what ifs… And they don’t always have to pertain to things that have happened in the past. For a crazy example, let me invite you inside my head for a bit…Pretty much from the moment I became single, my period has been (pardon the pun) SPOT ON. I’m ovulating either today or tomorrow. What if I went out and grabbed myself a one night stand? This is not the first time I have thought this. I’ve thought about it a heck of a lot lol. To the point that I have dreamt several times about what it would be like to have to come home and tell Lyz I was pregnant. And have to explain exactly how that happened.

But, the what if that drove this blog post is this:

What if I hadn’t turned down the opportunity to try out for MasterChef? I submitted my application. I turned in a recipe. I received an appointment with a time to meet Gordon Ramsey. I turned it down. I had something else to do that day. They don’t change appointments. You either show up, or you don’t, your loss.

I’ve watched each episode this season with that what if in my head. What if I had made X? Or the last episode where the choices of what to make were risotto, beef wellington or new england clam chowder. I can make all three of those. Well, my risotto may not have been perfect, Lyz did eat it with bbq potato chips after all. My beef wellington wasn’t textbook, as some of the people in my household aren’t huge mushroom fans. But in my opinion it was darn tasty!

I can cook. In fact I would love to be able to spend time with complicated recipes in the kitchen. I think my biggest downfall would be my palate. And please, do not get me wrong, I honestly had no dreams of ever actually being on the show. I know I am not a refined enough cook to be able to actually impress Gordon Ramsey. But it would have been an extremely fun opportunity!

One more thing…this particular what if is totally in the what if category. I do not regret not going to my appointment, I am glad I did what I did do that day instead. But sometimes…it is fun to play What If??

Catching Up–in photos

Coach Lyz and Avery at softball (it seems you can tell the days weather simply by if there is a game that night or not. We joked at the one game that the next game was Tomorrow at 6-Rain at 6:10!)

Avery had a dance recital. She did two dances and I loved them both!! She really is an awesome dancer!

Delaney had a dance recital too! She is so meant to be on a stage!

I tried very hard to convince Chris we needed a pet duck. I failed.

Delaney is totally awesome at soccer!

We went to the circus.

We went to a Barnstormers game, where Lyz, Avery and Delaney got manicures. (Yes, this picture makes it look like Chris is getting one, but really Delaney is on his lap!)

pretend you see a picture here
My parents came out to visit!

Delaney and I have been trying out different types of swings.

We went to HersheyPark to celebrate Lyz’s birthday! (On a personal note, it is so nice to be able to get on every single ride and not have to panic that you won’t fit!! I had room to spare!!!!!)

I took a shower while Delaney wasted an entire roll of tape.

G questioned my Harry Potter knowledge, and FAILED.

There is so much more, but this will have to do for now!!

File under: Things I need to learn

Two years ago if asked what my biggest fault was, I would have said my inability to ask for help. That has quite obviously changed. I have to ask for help. I mean, where would I live if I didn’t ask for help. (And really, I don’t know that I ever really did ask to stay with CLAD for more than that first night…it was how I told Lyz something was wrong “Can I stay in your guest room tonight??) I have asked for help from my parents. I have asked for help from my boss. I’ve learned to swallow my pride and just ask.

Now, I am coming to realize that I have bigger issues that need worked on. I’ve become a total bottler. Any emotion that is not 100% happy gets kept inside. This is a new thing. In the months following my divorce I did an okay job. I would cry on Lyz’s shoulder, telling her of all of the immediate pains. I would talk to Danielle for help off the cliff I wanted to jump off.

I’m not sure when this changed. I guess around the time that I decided I shouldn’t be sad anymore. Everyone else had moved on from their pain, why couldn’t I? So I bottled up emotions and kept them in the privacy of my head.

Well, now all of those pains are gone, but I turned to bottling new ones. I give those close to me little tastes of what I am feeling, but no one gets the whole story. I tell no one when I am scared, when I am so lonely I want to just disappear, when I am hurting so bad that I cannot think straight, or when I am angry. In all honesty, Avery and Delaney probably know when I am feeling these things the most…they are the ones I run to for a hard squeeze. I don’t share with my Lyz because she already does sooooo much for me. I don’t share with G because we are new, I don’t want to freak her out. I share tiny snippets with Danielle, but she has so much else on her plate, that I don’t want to further bog her down either.

Yes, I’m being very vague. No, this has nothing to do with my ex. These are all new emotions, and I do not know how to handle them.

I’m still learning. I realize that being able to talk to people about how I am feeling is just another way to ask for help.

I made a wish in a wishing well at HersheyPark last week

**We interrupt this blog post to share that it is really freaky that as I wrote that line, Lyz updated her facebook status talking about the same damn wishing well**

and that wish has been laying heavily upon my heart. It is a big wish, not one that I am sure the fates are going to be able to grant to me. In fact, sometimes I think about the wish and I get sick to my stomach.

Anywho, that is the gist of what is going on in Heidiville right now. I do feel the need to point out that these emotions are not me all of the time. I do spend the vast majority of my days happy and content. But the poison that keeping it all in side of me creates needs to stop. And I am hoping that by putting it out there, I can do better to catch myself when I do it.