Burning Down the House

Have you been reading for a long time? Do you remember when this happened?

I love to cook. I also have three major downfalls. Tater tots (they never cook. I can put them in an oven for 5 hours at 500 degrees and they will still be frozen) Hard boiled eggs (again, boil them for days, always still runny) and GARLIC BREAD.

Opps, I did it again.

Monday I had off and had nothing to do so I walked myself to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner. In my head if you have some form of pasta you must also serve garlic bread. I stood in front of the frozen garlic bread and a thin sheen of sweat began to appear on my forehead. I decided that maybe I would make fresh garlic bread. When I thought to myself…is there any olive oil at CLAD’s? I didn’t want to add another glass bottle to the bag of things I would be carrying home so I went for the middle road. I bought a loaf of garlic bread at the bakery.

My thoughts? Well it isn’t frozen, it will be in the oven less time, I WILL NOT forget about it.

Dinner time comes and Chris gets home so I pull the lasagna out of the oven and throw in the garlic bread. Our conversation gets a little heavy when I realize “OH NO THE GARLIC BREAD”. I open up the oven and the kitchen is instantly filled with smoke. I choked on the strong smell of garlic and smoke. Chris started laughing and ran to the smoke alarm which was screaming. I opened the kitchen windows.

When I finally pulled the bread out of the oven (when I could see the oven again) it really wasn’t that bad. I was able to trim a bit off the edges and all was well. The best part was Avery and Lyz coming home. The tone of Lyz’s voice when Chris explained what happened both cracked me up and made me want to cry. Why oh Why can’t I make garlic bread.

For your entertainment, the status post that followed the great garlic bread incident of 2011:

Me- Dear future spouse, I cannot make garlic bread…please know this will be your responsibility. Sorry!

Tara#1- One out of two people HAS GOT to know how to make garlic bread. It is absolutely essential. And ask Lyz, I’m in no way joking.

Wendie- I can totally tell you how to make garlic bread.

Jen- It’s so easy! Butter the bread, sprinkle with garlic powder and stick under the broiler for 5-ish minutes. It couldn’t be simpler, really!

Me- Sure. You all can tell me how to make it, but can you tell me how NOT to burn it??

Jen- Set the timer for three minutes, then watch it like a hawk!

Lori- I don’t broil because I always burn it. I do melted butter, minced garlic (from a jar usually), some oregano, some parm, mix it up, spoon over the bread, and bake at 400 while the water for the pasta boils and it’ll be nice and crispy when the pasta’s done.

Chris- Heidi forgot to tell you all that it is prepackaged garlic bread. Instructions: 1. remove bread freezer 2. Remove bread from foil package 2. Place in preheated oven for the time the bag tells you to 3. When buzzer goes off, REMOVE FROM OVEN!!

Me-‎4. No matter what, make sure its burned.

Chris- Yes, I know I have typos! Big fingers, small buttons! It’s genetic damn it!

Me- I will have to check with my mom and see if my garlic bread burning skills are genetic.

Lori- Heidi, my mom’s recipe was: 1. slather with margarine. 2. use only enough garlic salt to be allowed to call it garlic bread. 3. broil until black.

Jessica- To only be a fly on the wall at the CLAD household….. LMAO!!!!!!

Me- If you were a fly on the wall you would need to be in the fly hospital with smoke damage to your little fly lungs!

Lyz- I come home and the windows were open and burnt bread in the air…. My response omg heidi really again???? Lol but her lasagna was awesome I may add!

Roxanne (Chris’s StepMom)- Why weren’t we invited for dinner tonite? Your Mom’s dinner was yummylicious but so is lasagna.

Jessica- OMG!! I am laughing so hard I am crying from my little fly eyes!!!

Me- Thankfully Chris was home to assist in fire alarm dismantling.

Me- I will remember to invite you next time Roxanne!

Roxanne (Chris’s StepMom)- Awesome, you are a doll, I will make the garlic bread…

Tara#2- I was going to suggest how I make it: buy it prepackaged… but I see that is the issue here.

Diane- dare I ask what the littles were doing while all this was going on? It sounds like a sitcom! 🙂

Me- Delaney was in the playroom. Avery at gymnastics. I blame Chris. He had me involved in a serious conversation.

Diane- that’s it. When all else fails, blame the men. 🙂

Roxanne (My Mom)- Aw, so sorry you got my garlic bread skills. We don’t even keep the smoke alarm up in the kitchen anymore! At least you make great lasagna!! Did you give Lori my recipe?

Dear Cancer,

Short letter (includes profanities):

Fuck you.

Signed, Heidi

Long Letter (may still include profanities):

Why in the world do you find it necessary to impede yourself all over everyone’s lives? Because this world isn’t terrible enough. There aren’t massive earthquakes and tsunami’s and hurricanes scattered all over the world? There aren’t enough other diseases and downfalls and poverty and general sadness in this world? There aren’t adorable little boys who have heart problems? Why do you need to come into our lives and add your crazy nonsense? Your bullshit.

Go away. I know not a single person who wants you. Except maybe a little boy who worries that if his cancer goes away it will go into some other child. That little boy is way stronger than I am. (and Cancer, right now Ina Garten, whom I used to love, is now on my shitlist with you. Enjoy one another.)

I have had enough of your impact on my life. When I can no longer use simply one hand, or both hands, or all of my appendages, to count the number of people in my life you have latched yourself onto, I become even more enraged. Because I wasn’t pissed off enough with you already.

What is your purpose here? I’ve seen too many tears split in your name. Be Gone.

Without kind regards,
Heidi

Let’s talk about weekends shall we?

So…Saturday night. Fine, I admit it. I had fun. Ladies and gentleman, I danced a little bit. This proves just how much fun I had. I do not dance. I may not have even danced well on Saturday night, but I did attempt. Jessica and I had fun together at the very least. We ran into a possum on the way, cracked up both up!! It was spotted like a dalmatian! It went running across the street in front of us, in the middle of downtown! Where does the poor thing sleep?

We were a bit silly in not knowing that there were two spaces that the party was being held and had more fun when we found the second space. We watched a bit of the drag show and met up with TattooJen and her girlfriend. We bid at the silent auction (I won something!)

Instead of a kissing booth they had a motorboating booth (no, Mom, I am not going to explain this to you). I laughed when the motorboat girl came up to Jessica and I to ask if we wanted to play…she looked down at our cleavages and said “Never mind! I should be giving you the dollars!” (note-No motorboating took place involving either Jessica or I)

TattooJen kept trying to get me to go hit on girls. I simply can’t do it. Soon, maybe. I am only 10 weeks out of a 15 year relationship. And I had no idea that the relationship was going to end. I think I need a bit more time to mourn. I would hate to lead someone on or hurt someone. If I remember correctly her reason for wanting me to find someone was “Because we need you strong so that when SWMNBN comes crawling back you have the strength to say F You!” Have no worries y’all, I am that strong already. And also, that will not happen, she is happy, so we have nothing to worry about!

Sunday was supposed to be my date. Yes, you read that right, supposed to be. I had just texted Lyz that I was freaking out and didn’t want to go when K called to say her car wouldn’t start, would I be upset if we rescheduled? (she lives a little less than an hour away) Not upset at all, at least you have a car!! Then 20 minutes later I got all sad. Sadly rescheduling will be a week or two because…

This weekend we are taking a trip. I am very much looking forward to it, for the most part. I have been working on this trip since November. I wrote letters, filed paperwork, got together everyone’s information. Including SWMNBN’s. This trip will be awesome because it will get another first out of the way, the first family vacation without her. It will be awesome because I will get to watch Avery do things she hasn’t done yet. I will get to spend my weekend with some of my favorite people. It will also rip me apart because she was supposed to go with us. There will be a ticket for one thing with her name on it. Her name will be at the check-in desk for another thing.

It will hurt, but it will check another thing off the list.

What would you change?

Someone asked me the other day if I would go back and change anything. I paused. My standard answer to that question has always been no, our past is what makes us who we are today. But in my head I thought, but would I have changed anything to keep SWMNBN?

I’ve thought about it long and hard. In the end I realize I do have to change my answer. If you were to ask me the question right now I would have to say maybe, but it isn’t something I can change about me or my actions.

I would not make any changes to bring her back. I might make changes in the way I allowed her to change me, but I did enjoy my time with her and am enjoying myself now, so no, I guess I wouldn’t change anything for those 15 years.

It is what happened after that I would consider changing.

SWMNBN is moving out of state in a few weeks. This gives me mixed emotions. I am glad that I will not have to worry every time I walk out of The Hotel’s doors that I might catch a glimpse of her driving by. It also means that I will never get the chance to see Minne or Igan again. (If anyone who talks to SWMNBN is reading this, will you please pass on that their birthdays are 6/22/98 and 4/1/02? I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know those dates)

But maybe, I would change something. The very last time I will ever see Jenn, the very last words she will ever say to me are “You’re a fucking bitch!” And that hurts. All because I asked when I could have our chest freezer. I started to make a list of what I kept vs. what she kept, but her list is so much bigger it was pointless. But because I asked about the freezer I got called a fucking bitch as she got into her car, slammed the door and drove away. (there is a little more back story to this that involves SWMNBN remembering something the way she wants to remember it vs. what actually happened…but why go there?)

I did get a text either later that day or the next day (I don’t have the printouts in front of me) kind-of apologizing. I had sent her something and she wrote back that she was surprised I was still speaking to her after she called me names. I guess that could be considered an apology from her.

The last words the woman I loved for 15 years said to me were “You’re a fucking bitch!” Maybe, just maybe, I would change something. But I don’t think I would ever give her the chance to change it, so I suppose I will live forever with the memory of the look on her face, the anger she holds towards me (someone who got blindsided in this) and horrible words.

Busy (read:Scary) Weekend Ahead

While getting my tattoo Lyz asked TattooJen the same question she now asks every lesbian she meets: “Where can I take Heidi?” TattooJen mentioned that Saturday night there is a benefit (Read:Party) at a local club to help raise money for Pride.

Cool, I’m game.

Oh…wait…Lyz has plans Saturday night.

I am not going without my Lyz.

Scratch that.

I am going.

I got a hold of our friend Jessica and we will go together. Once I rsvp’d on facebook TattooJenn messaged me and said she was glad to hear I am coming, we’ll hang out. I wrote back good, because I am terribly shy!! She promised to be loud enough for the both of us! Thank goodness for my awesome support system. Both here and in person!! So…I have plans on Saturday night without my Lyz. Ekke. I even have an outfit planned. Shoes…hmmm, I will have to think about that.

Then Sunday I have another thing…um…ok…fine…date. Don’t know what we are doing or where we are going. But I’m going.

So two nights. Two sets of plans. Neither involve holding Lyz’s hand. Ekke.

Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes full of…

Crappy crap.

I deal with bad emotions by boxing them up. I pull a box off the shelf in the storage area of my brain that has the appropriate label and fill it up with whatever needs to be taken out of the display window.

Lately I noticed there are very few boxes up there. And I’m not sure why. Is it because I am so raw that I keep everything in the display window, waiting to be discussed and shown around for all to see? Or is it because I have learned to forgive?

It took me less that 48 hours to forgive SWMNBN for doing me wrong. I couldn’t not forgive her, I love her too much. I feel no anger towards her or NewGF at all. I got “yelled” at several times for that on Tuesday. By TattooJen, by Joni. I just don’t know how to be angry. Here and there I do get glimpses, but then they disappear because of the little voice inside my head that reminds me I love SWMNBN too much to ever feel that way towards her. I had even purchased a cheap set of dishes in the days following the breakup so that when the anger came I could smash them. They are still sitting on my bookshelf waiting for their turn. TattooJen said that there is a booth at our local RenFaire that you can purchase a plate, write a name on it and then smash it. It didn’t pique my interests at all.

I do have a box that makes it so that I do not go read her blog. I do want to offer you all the chance though. You should be able to read both sides of the story. You should know how she feels. So, if you email me I will give you the link to her blog. ON ONE CONDITION! That you do not comment in a negative way. I’m not saying you are going to go over there and read things that will make you angry at her, they may very well make you angry at me, and that is perfectly fine. But I do not want anyone to be negative towards her. I haven’t read the blog. I’ve heard bits and pieces through the grapevine, but have not read it myself. The reason I am offering this is because someone mentioned that she said on her blog that people are only getting my side and I want to be fair.

So again, if you want to read it, email me heidimingo at gmail dot com. As long as you promise to only be nice to her, I will happily send you the link. If you do not want to ask me for the link I believe the link is still posted on my blogger blog.  (I am not putting the link directly on here because I don’t want my blog to be a huge referrer to hers)

I Shall Rise From the Ashes

Yesterday was tattoo day! (and also Lyz and Chris’s 8th wedding anniversary!! Yay Lyz and Chris!!) Lyz accompanied me to the appointment. I started with the most painful part. Changing my wedding band tattoo. It originally said 1-11-03, the day SWMNBN and I got married. Now it says 1-11-08, Blue’s Birthday. It didn’t hurt in a physical way, but it ripped me apart emotionally. It was like cutting the one last tie to my past life.

But now that I have cut that last tie it is time for me to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I had sent Riley three phoenix pictures and pointed out what I liked about each one. She drew me up a perfect sketch, like I knew she would, so I went out and saw them two weeks ago and made the appointment.
Step one: Placement of the outline

Step two: outline
 
Step three: Red and Orange-

Step four: Yellow and finishing touches

Jen, the tattoo artist, asked if I wanted any color in the eye. I said no, I wouldn’t be able to pick a color anyway. Her response? “Well, I was thinking we would do blue for your son.” Yep, do it. Lyz said this helps bring my past into my new life, and I love it.

Jen also gave me a lot of great advice an a huge moral boost. Talking to her was perfect. On the way home Lyz told me she wished she would have known how wonderful our conversation would have been so she could have taken me to visit Jen sooner. The tidbit of advice that made me laugh the most? “I’ve found that the best way to get over one girl is to get under another one.” hehehe

Finished Product:

(I will post another picture in the future, it will look better right now you can see some of the blood and the eye looks bloodshot lol)

I am in love with it. It is perfect. It symbolizes my rise from the ashes and pays a slight homage to my love of Harry Potter-Fawkes the Phoenix is what gave me the inspiration for this tattoo.

Monday is the new Sunday?

I guess it starts on Sunday night
7pm-Avery and I run to the grocery store/
8:30pm-Avery and I snoogle in my bed and read a few pages of Harry Potter
8:45pm-I kiss Avery goodnight, still in my bed.
11pm-I join Avery in my bed. Spend the rest of the night fighting over covers and space in the bed.

Monday
8am-Lyz kisses Avery and I goodbye as she leaves for work.
8:40am-I go and resuce Delaney from Chris’s bed (he worked overnight)
9am-Us three girls head downstairs to watch numerous episodes of Bubble Guppies. Especially the “tiptoe” episode.
9:30am-Avery declares hunger and I proceed to toast a million waffles for the girls for breakfast.
10am-Clean up syrup from the children, table, floor and walls. Maybe a small bit off the ceiling.
10:15-11am-Do yoga with Avery. Also known as get tackled by Delaney.
11:01-11:32am-Play, watch Bubble Guppies, play with Barbies, read Harry Potter, snoogle with Delaney, fight with Delaney over a diaper change, fight with Avery about getting dressed, race Avery to see who can get dressed quicker Delaney or Avery. Finally decide that maybe Chris didn’t set his alarm clock and wander up to his room to wake him, and as I have never woken him up before wonder if he may try to hit me when I touch him.
11:45am-Wave goodbye to Chris, Avery and Delaney as they leave for the gym.
11:46am-Clean up toys, the kitchen (my favorite chore in the whole world is loading/unloading the dishwasher)
11:55am-Get laundry gathered from my room, start laundry.
12:05pm-Tie on shoes, cellphone that is now my mp3 player and leave for my walk.
12:55pm-Come home, switch over laundry, hop in shower to rinse off.
1:20pm-Climb into bed to read for a bit, hear CAD come home and release Riley from my room.
3:30pm-Head downstairs so that Chris can go get the fields ready for softball.
3:35pm-Clean up lunch dishes.
3:55pm-Decide that this is an awesome day.
4:00pm-Decide to blog about my awesome day.
4:05pm-Avery and Delaney start to argue over what tv show to watch, so I turn the tv off.
4:06pm-Avery and Delaney decide it would be more fun to sit on either side of me and watch me blog.
4:16pm-Avery asks how long it takes me to type the alphabet
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
not very long at all.
4:18pm-I decide to hit publish even though my day isn’t over yet. It is time to start dinner after all. We are having bacon and cheese quiche, roasted asparagus and a salad.

So, Mondays are just as awesome as Sundays. Tomorrow is going to be simplya amazing too!! Stay tuned!!

Tidbits

Thursday after work CLAD took me to the Humane League to look at dogs. It was ever so sweet of them, sadly no little dogs that fit my bill. I love that CLAD thinks of little things like that for me.

Thursday night was also Scrabble night at CLAD’s. Our Scrabble nights all depend on Chris’s work schedule. The best investment I have made since moving in with CLAD is Scrabble Diamond Anniversary Edition. No more worrying when we move the board that the tiles are going to go flying, and it is on wheels so it spins nicely.

Best Scrabble word of the night? Played by Chris:

(bottom word-CLAD)
I think last night did see some of the best words we have ever played. Lyz and I snorted a lot.

Wednesday night Avery and Delaney came into my room because my tv is the only one that has the Mr. Grumpfish Special episode of Bubble Guppies dvr’d. We laid in the bed watching and Delaney got up, crawled over Avery and grabbed my Blue bear. She held tight to him through the whole episode and I had to fight with her to get him back when Chris came to take her to bed. It left me wondering how close the two of them would have been if he was here. He would only be 6 months older than her. It left me wondering how difficult things would be now if I was raising him in one bedroom at CLAD’s house. It left me wondering if she wouldn’t have left.

My bedroom at CLAD’s is a soft buttery yellow. For years I begged for a soft buttery yellow bedroom. Shortly after SWMNBN became unemployed in 2008 she bought paint and started to paint the bedroom. (Please note that I was not welcomed to paint, that was SWMNBN’s department) By started I mean she painted about 1/4 of each of the hour walls. It stayed that way until we moved out in 2010. All four of my bedroom walls are now completely painted in soft buttery yellow. That was the silver lining for Thursday. (Joni helps me find something each day to call my silver lining of the day. I can’t go to bed until I’ve figured it out)

Have you been following my 30 day challenge? (look up, it has it’s own tab). Thursday I worried because I couldn’t think of something I hated to put. Lyz won the best answer—the word MILK. Not only is Avery saying it in the grossest way possible, but now Delaney has picked it up, completely with the evil look while she says it.

While driving home Thursday Delaney had a meltdown. The thing that made her calm down? Jar of Hearts came on the radio and Lyz, Avery and I sang along. Halfway through the song Delaney started laaaing along too.

The Whole Truth

I am trying so hard to keep faking it until I make it, but this week has been very hard. It has nothing to do with anything really. I just cannot grasp the concept that SWMNBN (She Who Must Not Be Named) hates me so much. I’ve spent my time defending her. I very rarely say bad things about her, yet she has been blasting me saying that I spend all my time blasting her. Yes, I have said a few of the cruel things she has said on the blog. No, they were not out of context. Maybe she said them in anger and didn’t really mean them, but she certainly didn’t share that with me. I’m not a mind reader. If I was, we wouldn’t be in this situation.

Even before we broke up I defended her with everything I had. People would tell me that NewGF was going to cause trouble. NO. I trust Jenn, she has promised to never hurt me. People would complain that she was grumpy all the time. No, she is just having a rough spot. People would say that trouble was brewing, little did I know they were all right. I had asked Jenn a few months back, are you going to leave me? Just tell me now. She yelled at me. Told me I needed to stop listening to people. Told me we needed to disappear and that people were only trying to hurt us because they were jealous of our happiness. I was so blind.

I will admit to laughing yesterday. I wore lots and lots of green for St. Patrick’s Day. I had a green shirt, green sock, necklaces, even green hair. I do not have a single drop of Irish blood in me. I’m German, Scottish and Native American. Except for that pesky last name. That is 100% Irish. People ask me if I am going to get it changed back. Yes, eventually. Right now my budget is saved for other things. The nice thing about it is that I never got my birth certificate changed, so that is one less step when I change back.

The other thing that makes me pause when it comes to changing the name back is that I consider that last name Blue’s last name. That is why I changed it in the first place. We wanted our whole family to share the same last name. The deal was that Blue had my blood and my parents have a son to carry on our name, I would change my name to match hers. Knowing that Blue and I would no longer share a last name bothers me. It isn’t like it is his legal last name or anything. He doesn’t have a birth certificate. I could just change his last name in my head…but I wouldn’t. She is his mother too.

I physically hurt. I emotionally hurt. I go to bed each night and cry. Some nights Joni calls to remind me that I am loved. Lyz kisses me goodnight every night. I get hugs and kisses from Avery and Delaney. And it all helps so much. But not enough. I want my forehead kisses. I want to be held and comforted by the woman that I trusted with my heart. The woman who I had angels with. The woman who promised me everything. The woman who’s last name I took.

I smile everyday, more than before. Everything I have written about my emotions and being proud and being happy are true…but the opposite is true as well. I text Danielle at least twice a week begging her to find a way to make the pain stop. Joni told me Wednesday night that she wishes she could zap me into the future past all of this. But I need to feel it. I need to “build a wall” that will protect me from this in the future. While I am happier and more at peace than I have ever been, I am also colder. I’m not the warm, loving, giving Heidi I once was. I’ve been burned deeply. The new skin is growing back tougher.

I’ll say it one last time. I do not grasp the concept of how she can hate me so much. I cannot figure out what I did to her. I have done everything I could to protect her from being hurt at all. I even felt guilty about taking Blue’s bear with me and sent her a duplicate! I still defend her. To people who say bad things about he, I even defended her here on MY blog.

So that is the truth. Thank you all for your kind comments about how happy and wonderful I sound. I am happy and wonderful, but I cannot wait until this horrible darkness clears and I can be truly happy and wonderful. I cannot wait to feel nothing but peace.