Yes, I’m behind but…

I still have to blog about Easter and Avery’s first softball game and Avery being student of the week…but something else is in my head right now so I wanted to say it.

I am insanely bothered by the fact that several of my favorite articles of clothing are missing. Now Jenn admitted to keeping one shirt, and honestly it was a shirt that I didn’t even care about. She thought it was a different shirt (one that I happened to be wearing while she told me this). But several other items are missing and it really irks me.

And I’m not sure why. She kept so many other things that are so much more important than a few pieces of clothing (that honestly, are probably too big for me at this point). Like my heart for example.

Someone I know had surgery this week and when she woke up out of recovery asked for her husband. Her husband that cheated on her 10 years ago. Her husband who left her. Her husband who has been dead for several years. When I heard this I had Avery and Delaney in the car with me and my instant response was “Oh My God”. I have been saying Oh My Heck a lot instead of the former, in an effort to keep my mouth clean around the little parrots. So even hearing it from my own mouth was shocking. My heart reeled for my dear friend. I felt so horrible for her. Tears streamed down my face for not only her, but for her daughter who was telling me this story.

When I got into bed I thought about it some more. I thought about coming out of surgery myself. The first time I screamed at the nurses and hated them for stealing my baby. The second time I didn’t want to come out of surgery. I wanted to stay asleep where everything was happy and peaceful. The thing that made me breathe again was knowing that Jenn was waiting for me and worrying. I began to wonder if our relationship was fake then. Did she fake doting over me in the hospital. Did she fake her concern for me? Her love for me even then? I don’t know. I’ll never know. For the rest of my life I will doubt a 15 year portion of my life.

Then I wondered what would happen in 10 years if I had surgery. Will I come out of it still searching for Jenn? I know that if I was to go under the knife right now I would. But will I still ache so fully in 10 years? Will I ever stop aching?

I promise that tomorrow I will be happier again, here on the blog. I need to talk about Easter (part one, as there is going to be an Easter do-over…I’ll explain later) and how proud I am of Avery (and Lyz!!). I just wanted to get that out of my system. And as usual, just typing it out makes me feel just a little better. Right now I have to go try to chase down Riley and get her into her crate, I have errands to run, and she is so darn good at running away from me!!!

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Because these pictures are too cute not to share right away…

Avery before her first softball game:

And Avery’s biggest fan:

Car-verstaions

Yesterday Lyz, Chris and I all worked.  This is normally just fine because Joni can watch the girls (don’t get me started on how guilty I feel that I was unable to take Monday off).  But…Joni hurt her back and is on bed rest.  Again, all is well, Aunt E was more than happy to watch the girls.  Next hiccup being that Avery had her first softball game last night (another post) and Lyz was worried that she wouldn’t be able to get the girls in time and then go home and get changed and pack up and make the line-up and…I’ll just stop.  You get the point.

So I went and picked up the girls on my way home.  It is a quick 15 minute drive from Aunt E’s house to CLAD’s, but we had so much fun!!  First song on the radio was “Forget You” which Avery and I know every word to and Delaney really likes to lip-sinc and dance to.

Then Avery was telling me how she wants a skateboard.  She asked me if I want one.  I responded with “Nah, I’m not really a fan of skateboards”.  Which started the funniest conversation ever!!

Avery: Well, what are you a fan of?
Me: Pink!
Delaney: PINK!!!!!!
Avery: And?
Me: Flamingos
Avery: I know what you you are the biggest fan of!!
Me: What?
Avery: Harry Potter!!!!
Me: Well, I might like flamingos just a little bit more than Harry Potter.
Avery: How much do you like Harry Potter?
Me: A billion.
A: And how much do you like flamingos?
M: A billion and two!
A: Guess what I’m the biggest fan of?
**I am not going to bore you with the list of eleventy billion things I tried to guess Avery was the biggest fan of**
M: I give up.
A: French Horses. They are from French.
M: Where did you learn about French Horses?
A: Well, my cousin knows this guy who knows this guy who knows this guy who knows this guy who knows this guy who knows this guy who knows this guy who knows this guy who knows this guy who lives in French that raises French Horses. They are beautiful and white and nice and they don’t bite you ever or make it so that you will fall off of them. He sent me a postcard.
M: I want to see the postcard when we get home! French Horses sound beautiful!
A: I lost the postcard.
M: Oh, do you think … what is this guys name?
A: Mr. TheFrenchman.
M: Oh, do you think Mr. TheFrenchman could send you another one?
A: I’d have to ask my cousin.
M: Which cousin?
A: The one that only I know.

At this point I was laughing quietly, but the conversation had to end because Delaney’s favorite song came on the radio so we had to turn the radio up and sing “Up up up up up up up up up up up!”

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Avery and Delaney??

I’m so mean

There is a part in the third book of the Twilight series where Edward holds Bella while she cries.  She is crying because she had to say goodbye to Jacob, who she is in love with.  Edward holds her and comforts her while she cries.  I remember reading that the first time and saying “Poor Edward, how horrible for him”.

I like K, I really do.  Lyz asked me last night when I got home if I think it will go anywhere.  No, I don’t.  I do like her.  I like her a lot.  I don’t think that I will ever be in love with her, and she is fully aware of this.  She has known this from day one.  I warned her from the start that I don’t want her to expect too much from me.

And last night, without knowing at all what she was about to crack open, K kissed me on the forehead, three kisses right on my forehead.  In case you are new here, Jenn would kiss me goodnight every night with three kisses on my forehead.  One for her, one for me, one for Blue.  I would not be able to sleep at night without those three kisses.  The first night at CLAD’s house I cried and mourned the loss of my three kisses.  My forehead kisses are what I miss the most from Jenn.

I don’t know what sound escaped my lips, but I know it wasn’t a happy sound.  K put her hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes.  My eyes that were rapidly filling with tears.  And I lost it.  I cried so hard I was gasping, my whole body was shaking.

First I cried because I miss Jenn’s forehead kisses.

Then I cried because K has deeper feelings for me and here I am crying over someone else, all because she was sweet enough to kiss my forehead.

Then I cried because K had put her arms around me and was holding me tight while I cried.

I cried for about thirty minutes.  Then I started apologizing.  She pulled my chin up and told me not too, she understood.  So I cried some more.  I was so afraid to look in her eyes, I didn’t want to see the hurt in them.

But there wasn’t hurt.  There was concern.  She cares so much.  She has used the love word to me.  I’m so mean.

But I’m also being slightly selfish for once.  I need someone right now who will hold me, yes, I have a million and two friends and family members who will hold me, it isn’t the same.  I like feeling loved.  I’m honest with her.  I don’t know that I will be able to return her feelings, she knows this.  But is making sure she knows this enough?  Wouldn’t it be better of me to break it off before she gets in any deeper and I hurt her more?

I don’t know.  This isn’t someplace I thought I would ever be and it is very confusing.

That being said…she is going away for a few weeks soon and I already miss her.

Future Thoughts

I have to start this post with a little background information.  Friday, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One came out on DVD.  I had planned to pick it up on my way home from work, but got distracted by the lacrosse game.  By the time we got home, I had decided I would just get it Saturday.  Big shock, me waiting for something Harry?  As we all started to relax in the living room Avery looked to me and said “Did you know that a Harry Potter movie came out today?”

I looked at Lyz and asked if I could borrow the car.  I ran out and bought it right then.  I was so excited to climb into bed and watch it…

But my dvd player didn’t work…wahhhhhh

So Monday Chris came downstairs and started getting the girls ready to go to the gym.  He asked me how my “adventure” on Sunday night was.  None of us wanting to make it clear to Avery what is going on, not until I am in a serious relationship anyway.  I said it was fun and asked him to teach me how to use the downstairs DVD player.

As they started to walk out the door he said “Have a fun date with Harry!” I smiled and then Avery caught my eye.  I cannot describe the look on her face.  I almost gasped.  She whispered “You’re going on a date?” with shock in her voice.  I almost wanted to scream “But Aunt Jenn has been dating before you even knew that her and I broke up!” But I didn’t.  I just laughed and explained that Daddy was joking about me watching Harry Potter.

Wow.  In my head I had always known that it would be a very long time before I would let Avery and Delaney know that I was dating.  An even longer time before I allowed anyone to meet them.  I’ve told Lyz that I I would never even let anyone spend the night.  I don’t want them to get to know someone unless I am very very serious with the person.  I’m talking practically engaged, or moving in with them.  K is awesome about this.  She knows how important CLAD is in my life.

But I never realized that Avery had been thinking the same thing.  She asks every so often when Jenn and I will get back together.  She knows that my answer is always “Never sweetie”  She’ll ask why and I tell her that sometimes people don’t stay together forever.  She asks me if I still love Jenn, of course I do!  I’ll never stop.  Does Jenn still love you?  I lie.

But the more I think about it, I realize that I will be single forever.  I don’t believe there is anyone out there good enough for me to want to bring them into the girls lives.  I mean, I thought Jenn was perfect.  Look at the pain she has caused in their lives.  I can’t do it.  My only choice would be to do what I did with Jenn…run away from everyone I love.

But then I was 19.  I was young and stupid and irresponsible.  Would I change it now?  No.  I would never trade away the years I did get with Jenn.  They were wonderful.  But I know better now.  I am a grown up in some ways.  When I ran away from my family we weren’t having the best of relationships anyway.  We’ve rebuilt that now.  We are much better.  Better than ever before I would say.

But I couldn’t run away from CLAD.  It would be impossible.  I fit with them.  I am able to joke with Chris, I can support Lyz, I have a comfy spot to lay and bed and watch guppies.

We always knew this.  It goes back to my pod theory. In fact a week or two after Jenn left I turned to Lyz and screamed “That bitch broke our pod!”  Lyz sighed and said she had thought of that too.  But how will I ever find someone who fits so perfectly in our pod?

I’m not saying I’m not going to look, hell, I have another date tonight with K.  I’m simply saying that I cannot be the cause of anymore pain to any part of CLAD.  I love them too much.

Two steps forward…

To be honest, I’m not sure what to write here.  I’ve written this post at least 10 times this morning.

I had a really great day and a half.  Starting Sunday evening and until about 8am this morning.  My brain was only whispering bad things at me.  I had other things to focus on so I was able to ignore my evil brain for the most part.

I had a great date with K on Sunday night.  It was spur of the moment, nothing planned, just a hey, whatcha doing kinda thing.  It was perfect.  The spontinaiety left me no time to panic or think or anything.  I simply freshened up my makeup and walked out the door.

I got home at 2am.  Do you know how weird it is to live in your best friend’s house?  There I am.  Sitting in bed.  25 feet away from Lyz.  Silently.  Bouncing on the bed.  I almost ran down the hall and flung myself into her bed to chat, but since Chris was there, I stopped myself.  And of course she worked yesterday morning so I spent all day bouncing waiting for my chance to talk to her!

Then I missed her call.  Avery and I were so engrossed in MonkeyQuest that I didn’t even notice my phone ringing.  I had to wait a whole extra hour to spill the details of my date!

I spent the rest of the day quite happy.  I had a few moments where a thought would start to creep in, but I banished the thoughts.  I was so strong that I was able to pack up the three shirts that have been sitting next to my tv that belonged to SWMNBN.  They were removed from my bed a long time ago, but I hadn’t had the heart to remove them from my sight.  Now they are gone.  Two will be burned in the first bonfire of the season.  The third will get packed away next to another sweater that I have saved for many years.

Then I woke up at 7:30 this morning.  I woke up because someone was digging their toenails into my leg.  But I’m so glad they did.  I was having a horrible dream.  And now my good day has been sidetracked.  I have a terrible migraine that is not being helped by the rain.  I have my evil brain telling me that I am horrible, word of the day is guilt.  Shouldn’t have spent so much time smirking yesterday.

But, I’m still not where I was on Saturday.  Yes, I took two steps forward, or honestly, leaps forward.  But today I only took half a step back.  I was chatting with a friend this morning about the guilt and all the sudden people starting writing on my facebook wall about how wonderful I am!  Friends are awesome.  And they prompted the following status update from me:

“Three months later and I have support and love.  Sure, she has a new place to live and a new woman.  But I have friends.  Real friends.  Friends who love me.  And that, ladies and gentleman, is what actually matters.”

I need to remember that Jenn was not the only person in the world who loved me.  I need to keep reminding myself of that.  I am surrounded by love and support and kind words and love.  It helps.  Like it helped on Sunday to be out with someone who likes me, who tells me I’m beautiful, who wants to spend time with me.  I just need to remember that I am not alone, no matter how lonely I sometimes feel.  It keeps my bad brain from trying to squash me.

Doubt

“Man can survive about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope.”

I talked to my mom last night and she mentioned that my last blog post made me sound depressed.  My answer “I am depressed mom.”  I honestly feel worse now that I have this entire time.  This morning I figured it out.  I heard Avery and Delaney and Lyz get up.  Heard them go downstairs and told myself to get out of bed and go with them.  But I didn’t.

I heard them get ready to go to an Easter Egg hunt and told myself to get up and go with them.  But I didn’t.

I laid in bed and cried instead.  This isn’t something I have done a lot of.  I normally try very hard to stay out of my room and only allow myself to let the tears take over in the middle of the night.  Lately, I haven’t felt strong enough to do it.  As I laid there this morning listening to Delaney and Avery chat together, I tried to figure out what changed.

I doubt myself.

From the moment she dropped me off at CLAD’s there was a tiny voice inside my head screaming at me “YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!” and I believed it.  For some reason the voice has gone quiet.  I’m starting to doubt my ability to survive this.  I am fighting for every breath I take.  When I look in the mirror I see how dead my eyes look.  They have no emotion in them anymore.

*I feel the urge to break in here and make sure you understand that I am using the word survive, not live.  I know that I will live through this.  I am not going to die.  I just don’t know if I, Me, Heidi, will survive this.*

I catch myself staring at things a lot and having no idea what is going on around me.  Last night Lyz and I were watching tv and I couldn’t follow the plot because I kept…I don’t know how to word it, getting lost?  I wasn’t thinking, I wasn’t feeling, I wasn’t there mentally, just physically.

For the first time in 13 weeks I am starting to doubt myself.  Doubt my strength.  Doubt my desire to carry on.  And I don’t know how to fix it.  I even poured out all of my Prozac last night and counted the pills to make sure I have been taking them daily.  Yep, there is the right amount left until my next refill is due.

I need to figure out where the doubt came from and squash it.  I want to survive.  I don’t want to let this kill my spirit.  Yes, I gave 15 years of my life to something and have nothing to show for it.  All that is left is memories now.  And memories used to be my most prized possessions.  Now I hate them.  I wish I didn’t have them.  When silly little memories get triggered I want to shun them and hide from them.  They make each nerve in my body scream in pain and shrink back from the survival instinct.

Oh how I dream of amnesia. But then I doubt even amnesia would help.

Punishment

Everyday my brain picks something new to obsess over and cause the hole in my chest more pain.  Whatever thought it picks in the morning, it keeps going throughout the entire day, running its fingers through the thought, causing me to gasp at times.  If my brain feels that I am becoming numb to a particular thought it branches out on that thought until it feels me gasping for breath.

But my brain must have really liked yesterday’s pain because it is using the same thought today.

“You gave up.  You didn’t fight.”

My brain is right.  I didn’t fight.  I can even see the look on Jenn’s face and hear her saying the words “You aren’t going to fight for me?”  No.  The conversation before that was “I have feelings for _____”  My response was “Oh.  Okay then.  I hope everything works out.”  “You aren’t going to fight for me?”  I couldn’t.  I didn’t have any fight left in me.  I knew that all I want in this world is for Jenn to be happy.  If being with her makes Jenn happy, then that is what I want.  I also knew that I couldn’t fight for someone who wasn’t willing to fight for me.  I’d seen that the fight had left her.  She had already given up on me.

But was I wrong for not fighting?  Would things have been different if I had fought?  They certainly couldn’t be any worse.  She’s gone.  She left.  She didn’t say goodbye.  The last words I have to hold onto are “You’re a fucking bitch”.  And in rereading an email I sent to her I remember the rest of her goodbye speech.  “You’re a fucking bitch and no, I’m not going to give you a goodbye hug.”  She didn’t even let me see Minne and Igan again.

I didn’t fight.  I gave her up.  And that kills me.

I feel myself retreating deeper inside.  I asked Lyz last week if I had been being extra bitchy.  No, but you have been quieter.  I spent this week trying to force myself out of my head.  I went to gymnastics, I went to lacrosse.  But still I feel myself crawling in deeper.  I texted Danielle the other night because I feel the urge to run away coming back.  I wouldn’t know where to go, so it doesn’t matter.  But I needed someone to tell me to stay.

Sometimes I wonder if Danielle and Lyz talk together.  I have different things that I tell each of them.  I share some of the scarier things with Danielle, and the more immediate ones with Lyz.  I feel like I burden Lyz enough, so poor Danielle gets some of the flack.  But after telling Danielle that I am feeling the runaway urge growing again, Lyz said “I know it is going to happen someday, but I don’t know that I ever want you to move out.”  That makes me feel good.  It is good to know that someone wants me.

While I did give up my marriage and I didn’t fight to keep Jenn, I am not going to give myself up.  I am fighting for each breath.  Each day.  Each moment.  I fight the tears.  I fight the desperation.  I fight the urge to runaway and disappear.  I never really thought I was a fighter.  Joni said to me last night “The things you learn from stuff like this is just how strong you are and how much you can do because there isn’t anyone to do it for you.”  Thankfully I have people to be strong for me.  People who love me enough to hold me up.  People who will fight for me, and with me.

I will continue to fight.  I’ve promised too many people to do otherwise.

Just the two of us

I have known Lyz since 1998.  I would have to really think about it to name 5 times where just the two of us have hung out.  We have lived together for almost three months and the most time just the two of us have alone is typically spent in the car on the way to work.

Lyz had a medical thing yesterday for her back and I had the honor of picking her up afterward (Chris and I traded off this position so that he could go pick up Avery from school and then go to the gym). Lyz was soooo cute in her drugged up state!!  We had planned on going to the local used book sale and then she mentioned she was hungry.  As we were pulling up to turn left, it hit me that to the right was SWMNBN and mine’s most frequented restaurant.  Chris hates it, so there has never been a reason to go…until now.  So, Lyz and I went and checked another first off my list.  We ate yummy Mexican food and drank yummy daiquiri’s and ate yummy fried ice cream and of course guacamole.  (I will have to do a whole post on the fact that soon Lyz and I are going to turn into avocados).  Thanks to her drugged state she was the most entertaining lunch companion I have ever had.  Every time the waitress sat food in front of us her eyes would light up like she had never seen such wonderful food before!  As we were looking over the menu she leaned over the table and whispered “can we get fried ice cream????”  Now I know where the girls get their “I dare you to say no to this look” look from!!

Then we left for the library.  I don’t know what made me do it, but I went slightly out of my way.  An out of my way that took me past the turn to our old house.  It is empty now, as I know SWMNBN is long gone to Florida, but as we approached the turn I muttered “Don’t turn Heidi”.  Lyz (who was still high and now slightly tipsy to boot) checked to see if that is what I had said and agreed “Don’t turn Heidi”.  I held it together.  Only a few tears fell.

We made it to the library and had fun looking through all the books.  We spent a total of $17 and left with a full box and an armful.  I was able to pick up my favorite Stephen King book and an autographed copy of Barbara Bush’s autobiography.

I am so thankful for my Lyz.  She is my glue right now.  She sees when I am having a weak moment and is right there to hold me together.  I am grateful that we were able to spend the afternoon together, even if she might not remember some of it.

I love you Lyz!

Aunt Na should not be in charge of bedtime

There have been a handful of times where I have had the honor of being the one to put the girls to bed.  Normally this works out quite easily.  I sit Avery in front of the tv with an episode of Spongebob or iCarley and take Delaney up.  Avery is to turn off the tv and meet me in my bed for a few pages of Harry Potter when her episode is over.  Normally, this works swell.  Normally, Delaney falls asleep within about 15 minutes and I sneak out and read a few pages to Avery and then put her to bed.  Lyz and Chris created some awesome sleepers, normally.

Tuesday night I got Avery settled and took Delaney up.  15 minutes later I heard Avery come up and a few minutes after that Delaney was out.  I hopped into bed with Avery so we could start reading about the letters from no one.  About two paragraphs in I hear “Shhhhhhhhhh” and Riley pops out from under the covers.  I lift my head to see Delaney standing next to me.  This is new.  She has just learned how to open doors.  I looked at her and asked “Why aren’t you in your bed?”  “Rawwwr in Meme”s room” she replied.  (Delaney calls herself Meme.)  “Okay, do you want to lay with Yaya and Na for a minute?” (Avery would be Yaya).  She hopped right in.

I read a few more paragraphs and then Delaney started counting my star tattoo.  “WON, FEW, FREE!!!!”  “Good job Delaney, now shhhh”  A few more paragraphs and Delaney starts counting again…but this time in a very quiet whisper “won, few, free!!!”  Avery and I couldn’t stop giggling.  And every time either of us would giggle, Delaney would fake giggle.  We got settled down and I had a cough (I’ve had a little cold, blame the weather).  Then Avery coughed.  And so, of course, our little copycat had to cough too.  And that was the end of that.  Avery and I could hardly catch our breath from laughing and Delaney knew she was the cause of it and so proud.  I had to capture video proof.  You’ll see Delaney quietly counting her fingers (to Delaney apparently if you count quietly you must also count verrryyyy sloowwwlllyyy)…

I gave up on Harry Potter a few minutes later and tucked Avery into bed.  Then I scooped up Delaney and took her back to her room.  She pointed over and said “Rawr” with the sweetest pouty look on her face.  So I walked over to the big dinosaur and patted it and said “But Delaney, this is a good dinosaur!”  Delaney said “Eyes.”  Well, next to the dinosaur is a gigantic shark from Universal Studios.  I took a tee-shirt and covered the shark’s eyes…Better?  A smile and a nod told me I had finally found the culprit.  I turned off the light and laid down on the floor.

She wouldn’t fall asleep.  She tossed.  She turned.  She rolled.  She flopped.  She huffed and she puffed.  Somewhere in the midst of all of this Chris texts and says “Is Lyz putting D to sleep?”  “No…Lyz is at Bunco, I am failing miserably at putting D to sleep”

35 minutes.  A new record for me and Delaney.  I tiptoed out of her room and my jaw dropped open when I saw Avery’s door wide open and her bed empty.  I went downstairs to find her lying on the couch watching Biggest Loser.  “Um, why aren’t you in your bed?”  “I couldn’t sleep, and I was bored, and then I couldn’t find you!”  “Well where do you think I was?” “Probably in Delaney’s room”  “Girlfriend, it is almost an hour past your bedtime.  Lets go!!”  So I got Avery snuggled back in bed, kissed her goodnight and then sat at the top of the stairs for 10 minutes assuring myself that everyone was where they belonged and were planning on staying there.

Lyz walked in the door 10 minutes later and I showed her the video.  I was still laughing.  Lyz asked “So, um, if you don’t have to put Delaney to bed can you watch her Thursday evening while we take Avery to the kindergarten fair??”  Sure thing!!

So I failed at bedtime, but I had a blast doing it!!!