A video of Jenn at the driving range

At the driving range-Video
Originally uploaded by heidi&jenn

Isn’t she cute when she is proud of herself???

Sahhweet!

I love the weekends!

Saturday (well I worked of course…) we went to the fireworks that one of the outlet malls by my work puts on. This is first 4th of July tradition that Jenn and I started ourselves. We always spend a night with Elissa and family at their house, and with Lyz and family at Chris’s family’s farm… the night at Rockvale Square is ours. Lyz, Chris, Avery, Joni and Dennis (Lyz’s mom and boyfriend) were able to join us this year (Elissa and family had other plans) and we had fun. Part of our tradition is getting dinner and having a picnic.

I will admit getting a little teary, as I remember having the conversation with Jenn that we would be missing fireworks this year. I mean who wants to drag a poor two week old out to the loud fireworks??

Avery was so sweet when the fireworks started!! We weren’t expecting them and she just shook her whole little body, but within two or three blasts she was giggling and enjoying the view!

Joni and Dennis:

Picnickers:

Fireworks:(I call this one Fertilization, it looks like a bunch of swimmers heading towards an egg…a sign maybe???)

Lyz, Avery and I watching the fireworks:

(I do have one comment. You should always turn off your car alarm before fireworks. Lyz and I were very VERY angry at this one car…it was driving us bonkers and ruining the ambiance.)

Sunday of course was IUI day. I admit to being quite afraid to go. I’m scared to death to be pregnant again. I will not enjoy it. I don’t mean that, of course I will enjoy it, but I will spend the entire time absolutely scared out of my mind. So I was a bit of a bear to get out of the house–Sorry Jenn! But, totally worth it, especially if we are pregnant. We changed type of specimens from ICI to IUI and are totally pleased with the results. With an ICI specimen we were averaging around 5 million swimmers….today 13 MILLION!!! It’s actually quite gross to me, but awesome that it will help up our chances. Not that I need help getting pregnant, obviously that works, I just need help keeping it.

We went to breakfast afterwards, and by the time we left breakfast I started ovulating. I could barely stand up straight. This makes me very happy as this way I know we have timed it right. But man does it hurt!! I could barely stand up straight!! A quick nap and all was well!

Today (I’m extending the weekend here) Jenn went with Chris and Avery to the driving range in the morning so that Chris could give Jenn some pointers. You see Jenn did well enough last week, that she has been invited back. She is thrilled!!! So excited to be invited back with “the guys” to go golfing. I’m so very proud of her. It really makes me happy that she enjoys golfing.

It’s weird, but now that she is unemployed and her stress level has been taken down several notches, I’ve got my old Jenn back. The Jenn before we lost Blue and depression took over. Yes, she got help, but I can see how much of a role her horrible job played into her depression. I know people think its really odd when I say it, but her being unemployed is really the best thing that could have happened.

Anywho, back to golf. Chris semi-made fun of her wearing tennis shoes, and using a batting glove while they were golfing last week. So, I gave her permission to go out and buy some new golfing gear. Yes, I’m weird, but her golfing just makes me so happy. It’ll be fun next year (hopefully) for mothers day to get her a few new clubs, or SpongeBob balls. It’s perfect, like the little dreams I had in my head of my future spouse!!

I’ll pause here to explain why I’m writing all over the place. Today at work, by sitting down of all things, I totally jarred my back. I can barely move, so I’ve taken some drugs and when I do that I become hyper and can’t think straight, so I start wandering, and apparently I’m over wandering right now. Sorry!!!

K, back to Jenn. So we went out after I got home from work to the Nike outlet (god bless the outlets) and for less than $75.00 we got her a new pair of golf shoes, a new golf shirt, a visor, and a golf glove (do you know how hard it is to find golfing stuff for someone who is left handed???) She is so very proud of herself. I can’t even begin to explain how excited she is to go golfing!

After that we went to dinner at Isaac’s which is one of my favorite places it eat. I mean the place is decorated in flamingos!!! I ate three bowls of their pickled veggies. I heart them. Here I am 1dpo and Jenn has decided that by eating three bowls of pickles I just have to be pregnant!

After dinner we went to the driving range again, Jenn wanted me to hit a few (I think so she could laugh at me.) With my back being the way it was I only hit two. She did really really well!! I was proud of her. She just can’t stop talking about the golfing. I love to see her so excited about something.

Pictures, of course.

Me: (please note that the ball is still on the tee. I missed it.

Jenn: (I’ll post a video too, cause I’m a dork like that, and oh so proud of her)

So, here I sit at 1dpo….waiting for 13 more. There’s not a pregnancy test in the house. Don’t know how long that will last.

I didn’t (and won’t) ovulate on my own!!!

I didn’t sleep last night, scared to death that we were going to miss our chance this month.

Then, in typical Heidi fashion, we were late for our appointment. Sigh. Thankfully they love us there and were perfectly okay with us being late.

The ultrasound showed two perfect follicles on my right ovary, and lots of smaller follicles on both sides.

So they did bloodwork and we waited around for ever and ever and ever for the results. Moral of the story is that my LH (Lutenizing(sp?) Hormone–that which tells you to ovulate) was only 6.2, they would like to see it higher than 16. Jenn will be giving me the trigger shot tonight at 8pm, and then we will head back to the re’s office for the IUI Sunday morning at 8am.

Phfew, we didn’t miss it, and apparently I need to learn not to freak that we will miss it cause my body isn’t going to ovulate on its own!! (note to self, keep this post handy for next month when I start the freaking out process all over again. Jenn says we won’t have to do this freaking out all over again cause we’ll be pregnant, I sure hope she is right.)

Just Let the Clubs Do the Work.

Jenn got invited to go golfing with Chris today. Can I just tell you how excited and honored she felt?? It’s all I heard about for days. Last night we had to make an emergency trip to Target (like I needed a reason to go to Target) to get her a new golf bag. I demanded the new golf bag. The old one–awful. I was not about to let her leave the house with that horrible thing and embarrass me!!

They had fun, and Chris did really, really good. Jenn did good for someone who hasn’t been golfing in a year (and who’s wife didn’t get in the shower early enough to talk her to the driving range yesterday afternoon).

As far as Just Let the Clubs Do the Work, Jenn says that is all Chris said all day, well, other than singing this song to her.

And, of course I sent the camera along to the golf course!!

Jenn modeling her new bag:

Jenn taking a swing:

Chris–

Because I can’t live my life without something TTC related to worry about.

Dude. My ovaries hurt. This concerns me for one of two reasons.

Either:

A. I have too many follicles. In which case they might cancel the cycle as they do not want to be responsible for causing me to birth a litter of children.

B. I’m going to ovulate super early this cycle. Normally I ovulate on day 17 or 18. I’m feeling the pains now that I normally feel on day 16 or 17. My follicle scan is not until tomorrow morning. What if all the little eggies spring forth tonight?

Yes, I considered calling the RE’s office today and asking their opinion on the matter. But all they will do is have me come in for bloodwork today, then do IUI tomorrow. So whats the difference in just going in tomorrow for the ultrasound???

Sigh. I wish Michelle wasn’t out of town. I trust her better with such matters than Dr. F.

What’s a girl to do other than sit around peeing on sticks all day (every.time.she.goes.to.the.bathroom.)??? (and in case your curious, they all look the same, almost positive, but not quite, have I ever mentioned that my body failed poas 101?)

Belle Field Hockey Tournament-Video

Belle Field Hockey Tournament-Video
Originally uploaded by heidi&jenn

She is #17!!

Chris and Lyz swimming in Wii

Chris and Lyz swimming in Wii
Originally uploaded by heidi&jenn

Pardon the end, this video capturing with a camera is new to us!!

Soooo Behind!!

Friday 6/13

We went and watched Belle at her end of the season Field Hockey tournament. She is really quite good. She won three awards, including best accuracy!!

(she’s #17–and I’ll post a video of her playing too)

Saturday 6/14

Lyz calls at 7:30am and asks what I would do if I was 14 weeks pregnant and had not had anything to eat or drink in 24 hours due to a stomach bug. Um, go to the doctor!!!

They admit her. Jenn spends all day in the hospital with her and then when Chris had to go to work we spent the night at their house with Avery. We had a blast!!

We baked Chris a cake for Father’s Day (she kept saying it was daddy’s birthday cake…too cute)

Jenn organized their freezer (she is a freak like that.)

Sunday 6/15

Lyz is released from the hospital. Tired, sore, but feeling better and full of fluids.

Jenn and Elissa threw a pizza/awards/pool party for the softball team at the hotel. Again, way too much fun and the girls were all so cute!! I think all of the families came but one. It was the perfect weather and everyone had a blast dunking Jenn and Elissa in the pools!

Jenn, Belle and Elissa after giving Belle her medal

Jenn getting dunked in the pool

It was also my 10 year anniversary of working at the hotel, and my first day on clomid!!

Monday-Wednesday 6/16-6/18

Boring. Cleaning the house, running errands, normal boring life stuff.

Thursday-6/19/08

I did better than I thought I would for Blue’s missed birthday. Lyz had left a wonderful package on our front porch with a blanket for Blue. It is so beautiful. I wrapped the Blueberry bear in it and held it for most of the morning. She also gave be a cd with the song I’ll Stand By You by the Pretenders. Oh my goodness. Listening to it as a song from her to me was amazing. It is perfect for our situation.

We were surprised later in the afternoon by a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Elissa. They still look absolutely now and are still blooming. Perfect thing to remind us of our precious Blue.

We finally got out of bed around 4, showered and went to dinner at Ichiban which was yummy, but I didn’t eat much, just couldn’t. We went home and played Wii for a bit and headed back to bed.

Friday 6/20

Skyler had a baseball game at 6pm so we went and watched. It was part of their end of the season tournament, and since they lost, also was their last game. I love watching them now, after watching them years ago play what by daddy calls “Magnet Ball”. He is a great catcher!

Catching

Batting

Saturday 6/21

Went to Lancaster’s Gay Pride day. We saw some people I haven’t seen in years so that was big fun! But it was so stinking hot!! I don’t sweat much, and even I had a damp forehead!!

Sunday 6/22

Chris, Lyz and Avery came over for dinner and to play with our Wii. I also worry when I cook for other people that they won’t like what I make…and I watched Chris eat his plate of food thinking “He could be telling me he likes it, but is really just swallowing it not to make me feel bad”. That thought left my mind when he took thirds. Avery was fun to play with. I was also proud of Minne and Igan for doing as well as they did (that is not to say that they were perfect, but after not really being around kids they did an excellent job of tolerating Avery!)

Avery “playing” tennis on the Wii

(I will be posting a video of Chris and Lyz)

It was also Minnesota’s 10th birthday!!

Now…lets talk about our feelings. I want to cry, but I can’t. I can have lots of tears, but I just can’t get to the point where I am actually crying. I want to and bad. I just want to have one of those all out bawling sessions where you let everything out and when you are done you feel just a little better.

I think many many months of holding it all in, trying to be the big strong, I can handle this, everyone else needs to be worried about, type has made me unable to share. For years I have been the kind of person that just locks it all in. I don’t like to burden others. I especially hate asking for help. I think this is part of the reason that that song really speaks to me, one of the lines is “Nothing you confess, will make me love you less.” I am trying to confess. Trying so very hard to get the pain out of me, but I just don’t want to burden others with it. I know that getting it out won’t cure the pain either, but I am tired of this plaster facade I have built on my face. I am tired of hearing everyone tell me how proud they are of me for being so strong, when inside I am dying.

I spend so much time trying to be the Heidi that I think people want to see, the old Heidi who was always positive and could always say just the right thing to make people feel better. I can’t do that anymore. When someone else is in pain I am at a total loss to be able to help them, because I’ve gone past the point of help myself.

See, I wrote all of that out, and I’m sitting here thinking about deleting it all. Why? Because I don’t want to burden any of my readers with my real thoughts. I’d rather share all the fluff.

To our most loved Blueberry…

Today should be your birthday. Instead it was 23 weeks ago.

We will never be able to put into words how much we miss you. How much we hurt because you aren’t here with us. I never realized how much you could love someone…how much loving someone could hurt. Every inch of my body aches to hold you. Every thought I have sends piercing pains into my heart of loss. Everything my eyes see shows me things that would look different if I had you to show me the newness of them.

We had spent 17 wonderful weeks planning for your arrival. Discussing what your name would be, what your room would look like…what you would look like.

As today has approached, I find myself being unable to think about anything other than you. How this was supposed to happen, instead of how it did happen. How we would have fought over who got to hold you the most, snuggle you the most, smell your sweet baby skin the most. I was even willing to fight over changing your diaper.

Please know that you are always the first thing we think about each morning, the last before we drift off to sleep, and you fill our dreams every night. We want nothing more right now than to hold you. You will never be replaced to us. There will always be a little piece of our hearts missing because you aren’t with us.

Know your mommies love you dearly, and miss you more than anything.

We love you.

Your Mommies.

Happy Cycle Day 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (edited!!!)

I don’t even mind the killer cramps 🙂

Now it’s cycle TRIPLETS!!!! K and Sara and I are all working together this month on the Master Plan!! Like Sara said, the world is a lucky place that we are all spread out geographically!!!