Over dinner last night, Lyz, Jenn and I were talking about our usual subject. It seems that all conversations end up being about pregnancy and loss. Lyz was sharing a story about a conversation her and Chris had over lunch.
Chris and Lyz had been talking about stats. Since Lyz had had five pregnancies that led to two live births, her stats aren’t that bad from a baseball point of view. Almost .500 Chris says. In answer Lyz asked him why then is he so cranky after a softball game where he only bats 2 for 5? “Softball and Baseball are two completely different subjects” was his retort.
This conversation hung out in the back of my mind through the rest of dinner. It did take a backseat during the movie. (Don’t get me started on the movie. I still get angry about it, so you would have to listen to me rant for a long time.) As a side note here, I did get my shot during the movie. Thank you all for your help.
When we got home (and I had stopped complaining about the movie) our dinner conversation came back into my mind. I mean Lyz is two for five right? And Avery was her first pregnancy. So she had her three loses knowing that could carry a baby full term and hold it breathing later.
Me? All of my pregnancies have ended in loss. I’ve blogged before about Albert Einstein’s quote “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Is trying again insanity?
Sure, I tell “dead baby jokes” all the time. I get mad when Jenn or Lyz don’t laugh at me. K and I tell great ones to each other. One’s that I wouldn’t share with Jenn and Lyz lest they beat me with wet spaghetti noodles. I want to laugh about it. I want to make it look on the outside not as painful as it is on the inside.
But, let’s be serious here. I’m batting .000. Honestly, practically negative. We have ourselves a little team of angels watching over us in heaven. And I have killed them all. Don’t start on me with the “you didn’t kill them” bit. I’ve heard it a million times before. I did kill them. It may not have been by choice, or by anything I did (although if you ask me, I can list seven million things I did wrong), but it was me and my body that killed our babies.
The voices in my head have been getting a little loud lately. In fact I’m texting Lyz right now because I have myself convinced that I hurt her feelings somehow because the voices said I did. But what they are loudest about, is that I am planning a murder.
Yes. You heard me right. What makes me think, that if I do actually get pregnant, that I won’t just murder this precious life too?? My “batting” average is .000. I can’t hit the ball. If I was playing on a baseball team I would be sitting the bench. Should I just bench myself?
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again? That doesn’t seem right. Where do you draw the line? When do you decide that you have gone far enough, or have gone too far?
This does not mean that I am calling off this cycle. I am too bloated with drugs and have already spent the money. I can’t not try this cycle. But I am curious? If you were in my shoes, would you be planning your next murder, or would you move on?
Thinking Miracles 