Our new satellite provider offers picture in picture. I spent a bit of time the other evening playing around with it. You can choose a small picture in the bottom right corner. A larger picture. Or even split the screen between the two shows you want to watch. You can only listen to the main show though.
I realized this is my life. I have the main show. That which is actually happening. I hear everything from this life. But there in the bottom right hand corner of my vision is another show. The what should have been show. I see Blue interacting with Avery and Delaney at the playground. I see Blue clapping and cheering for Jenn and Lyz at the softball game. I see him getting ready to blow out his two candles on his birthday cake. With his best friend Delaney sitting next to him and all the two of them want to do is grab fistfuls of icing and shove it into their beautiful mouths.
Some days the other life stays down in the corner. Quietly playing the should have beens for me. This week it is the full half screen. Every thought I have is saturated with pain and love for our son. Our little man who isn’t here in person, but fills our hearts.
But seeing the show and knowing the what should have beens honestly doesn’t hurt half as much as there never being a way to turn off the mute. I want to hear his voice. I imagine him as a beautiful little chubby boy, with my blue eyes, and Jenn’s cute nose. I imagine all of him, except his voice. Would he be saying the new words that Avery has been teaching Delaney, the words that don’t actually mean anything? Would he be refusing to say Lyz? Would he have a soft voice, or would he be like me, yelling all the time because I have so many things to say?
What would his personality be like? Would he come over and pat Avery or Delaney if they were crying, would he start to cry to? Would he run up to us with his arms open saying MAMAMA just to hug our legs and go back to his fun? Would he be independent and want to explore the world on his own without our help?
And then I wonder some of the silly things. Would Baam be able to handle all three munchkins if the four of us went out? Would we still ask for 7 and two high chairs, or would it be 6 and two hair chairs? (we like our extra space). Would the three kids get along?
Would I still be trying to get pregnant?