What might have been.

This week really started the what might have beens for me. When we first found out that we were pregnant with Blue I counted in my head how far along I would be at the end of March. I figured 27 weeks is great, I’ll have a noticeable belly and all the lil ole ladies at the quilt show will love it! They always ask me “When are you and Jenn gonna have kids??” Sigh.

Last year during the quilt show I helped one of the vendors get an emergency flight home because her husband was dying and she wanted to see him before he passed. She found me on Tuesday and thanked me for my help. I told her that I would have done anything for her in that situation. She didn’t make it home in time. He passed away two hours before her flight landed. I told her I was sorry and was a little teary for her. She asked me “Heidi, when are you gonna have babies.” Since I was already a little teary for her, the tears just fell right out for me too. I was honest. I told her that I had a beautiful son who was born too soon in January. She held my hand. Then she went and spread the word. I shouldn’t have told her. I don’t think a single vendor has not come up to hug me, to give their love to Jenn and I, or threaten us not to quit. They all expect happy stories next year.

Me too.

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Totally Random

While we were in Florida the batteries inside of Jenn’s electric toothbrush died. She didn’t want to spend money to buy new batteries, or even a new electric toothbrush. (She was pouty, it was sunburn day, and she’s odd, I have no other explanation.) She bought a cheap $.79 non-electric toothbrush.

It hit me yesterday that if she was so worried about not spending money on batteries or a new toothbrush, why didn’t she just brush her teeth with the electric toothbrush and do the motions herself??

(Her answer in case you are curious is that it just wouldn’t work as well that way. I didn’t ask her to elaborate that though, I was too busy laughing-with her….not at her….okay, at her.)

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I’m having a bad week. Between extra life stresses that have been thrown at us this week (well heck, when aren’t they anymore??), it’s the most stressful week of the year at the hotel. I haven’t worked a day less that 11 hours this week, my feet are killing me, oh, and I’m on Clomid. So needless to say I’m either a bawling mess, or sore and crabby and sweating so bad that someone tried to corral me into their sty yesterday.

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Last week I decided to follow Mel’s advice and not only read other people’s blog (I am such a voyeur), but make sure I am supporting them. I have about 70 blogs that I read on a consistent basis. I decided that I would write a comment for each blog I read. Thankfully not all 70 update at the same time. I also made sure to send support to as many blogs as I could from the Lost and Found each day. Now some days I did great and got my support out to all of my blogs, and most of the Lost and Found.

Then Tuesday came. I haven’t commented on a single blog (I lie, I commented on one that truly moved me) I apologize to my dear blog friends out there. It’s just a rough spot. I’ll be back trying to spread the love again. I am normally quite the optimist. Like to the point of obnoxiousness. But I tell you, this year is killing me!

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(I started with a funny, and I want to end with a funny, so follow me back to Florida)

We have stayed in the same hotel for 4 years now. We pass a billboard every year that has always made me giggle. It’s for a dentist. He’s holding a chicken. Chickens don’t have teeth right? But the billboard says “We treat chickens too.”

For 4 years I have driven past that sign and giggled at the irony that chickens don’t have teeth but they say they treat them.

This year it hit me. They don’t mean chickens the bird. They mean human chickens. Boy, I can be dense sometimes.

EEKKEE

Called the Fertility Center this morning. It’s always weird announcing your period.

HI!! This is Heidi Lastname calling. I wanted to scream from the rooftops that today is cycle day 3!!! (Of course it was Jamie who answered the phone, who I don’t like, but only because the first time I ever talked to her she was the bearer of bad news…I should probably get over that)

Moral of the story, start the clomid today. Go in for an ultrasound Thursday, April 3, 12 noon.

Eekkee.

I make little rules for myself. Like, the clomid gets taken at 9:30 each morning. It is 9:29 right now. So I took the little white pills out of their blister pack and they are sitting on the desk in front of me, next to my 9am-11am bottle of water. Waiting….waiting….okay. 9:30am.

{pause while my shaky hands deliver the two pills to my mouth. Guzzle water}

Pills have been swallowed. It is official. We are on the TTC train again. No more caffeine. No more late nights partying (ha!! I’m too old for late nights anyhow), no more crack, no more anything that I have ever read about in a study that might be harmful to pregnancy.

Eekkee. No wait. I’ll take after one of my “idols” I won’t worry about it today. I’ll worry about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.

Tag-I’m it!

I was tagged by Sara at the egg dance

The Six Word Memoir rules are:

1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like.
3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post.
4. Tag six more blogs with links.
5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

Okay. I did a lot of thinking and here is my answer…

Dreaming of babies, and Martha Stewart.

I tried to find a way to incorporate flamingos, but I don’t need to dream about them, they are all over my house!!

I tag….
Isn’t it Pretty to Think So?
and
Kim at Mommies to 3 Flowers

Jenn says she’ll think about hers!!

All Gone!!!!!

What’s all gone you might ask?? Why two things.

First, three minutes ago I swallowed my last birth control pill. I should have renamed it “cycle” control pills. Either way, they are gone, now I just wait for Flo to show!!

Second, my hair. 13.5 inches donated to Locks of Love, and another few inches lost in making it all even. I got some layers cut in, and I like it. Well, I like it as much as I can after seeing my beautiful hair disappear!! For your enjoyment…pictures!

Before: (I was getting my nails done while Jenn took the picture)

After: From the back!

After: From the front (It is a little flat due to the loverly weather we are having!

It is so light, and then my back was cold cause there was no hair covering it!! (that sounded bad lol)

Now I just have to try not to waste the gallon of shampoo tomorrow while washing it!!!

The Innocence of Children. Or, I wish I had the answer sweetie.

On Thursday night we saw Skyler, Austin and Annabelle for the first time since the night we told them they were going to be “cousins”. Elissa had already filled them in that we lost Blueberry, but this is the first time we’ve seen them.

When we got to the field (it was the coaches meeting for Annabelle’s softball team, Jenn is Elissa’s assistant.) Jenn got right out and went to say hi to Austin and Annabelle (Skyler was trying out for the travel baseball team). I stayed in my car and chatted with Elissa. Jenn and Belle came walking over and Jenn told her “It’s okay, you can ask.”

“Heidi,” said Belle, “why did your baby die?”

This is something she has been asking Elissa a lot. When she asked Jenn, Jenn responded “I don’t know.” Belle said “that’s okay, I’ll ask Heidi.”

I told her the same thing. I don’t know. I wish I did know. She asked if we were going to have another one and I told her we are going to try. She liked that answer and ran off. Elissa said that Belle really wants there to be a baby, so she thinks that if Jenn and I don’t have one, that Elissa should.

After she ran off Jenn asked if I was okay. I was a little teary, but I love that she wants to know, and I hate that I can’t tell her. I hate that I can’t tell myself or Jenn or anyone that wants to know.

Birth control pill packs come in packs of 28. Four rows of 7.

The first row of 7 I partied each night doing a countdown…27…26…25…24…23…22…21…

The second row of 7 I was quiet about it. Swallowed each pill dutifully. I even stopped complaining about them giving me the poops.

I’m in the third row. The fourth row doesn’t really mean anything, they are just sugar pills, meant to help those actually using them for birth control to keep on track, so I don’t need those ones.

There are now only 4 pills left, and each night when I swallow one, I start to panic a little bit. I’m nervous. I’m kinda afraid to get pregnant again. Which I am hope is totally normal. I’m not saying I don’t want to be pregnant, or even that I don’t want to try. I’m just afraid to be pregnant. My poor doctors office will have to let me in everyday to check the baby’s heartbeat (or babies if you follow Jenn’s dreams and believe that this will be twin girls). I’m afraid to tell everyone until I can’t hide it with clothes anymore. But I’m not going to stop blogging, so anyone who reads this will know when it happens. And I’ll have to tell everyone that doesn’t read this so that they hear it from me, and not through the grapevine. I want a new baby(ies he he) to be as celebrated as Blueberry is, so everyone is going to know. I just hope I don’t have to untell everyone again.

We’ve got a little wager going between Jenn and I. She thinks that now that we know how my body works, we’ll get pregnant first shot. I know my luck, that ain’t gonna happen. I say at least the second try. I also know my body. I’ve been told that Aunt Flo should show up 2 or 3 days after the pills run out. So, I translate that to my body to mean at least a week, if not two!!

Anywho, I must be off to Skyler’s birthday party. We’ll be playing lazer tag and watching a lazer light show. And by we’ll I mean that I will be helping Elissa hold down the fort and take pictures!!