Ovarian Drama

Stupid lazy ovaries. We plan to start trying again on my next cycle. Because of that this past cycle I have been faithfully peeing on a variety of sticks, temping, checking my cervical mucus, and other things that I will not admit to the public involving something that I may or may not have stolen from my RE’s office. (Dude, they have a lot of my money…one little piece of metal isn’t going to be missed.)

You know what all the peeing and checking and temping and stealing got me? Nuffin. Oh sure, there were little glimmers of hope here and there. A temp dip. Darkening lines. Some stretchy cm. Even a few twingies here and there. Um, yeah, it is cycle day 23. No line to be seen. No temp jump. No nothing. Even if for some odd reason my cranky ovaries were to decide to let loose some egglings here in the next few days, it is way too late in my cylce for me to think they were good eggies. Even if I was straight and had spermies available whenever my little heart desired them, I would never have an opps baby. That makes me feel rather good to be honest.

At the same time, it makes me feel like such a failure. Such a fake. My heart and my head desire motherhood so much, but the rest of my body defys me. Even if I could ovulate on my own, my body is cruel and kicks the new little life out. Stupid body. Over a year ago I wrote a letter to my body trying to make peace with it. Couldn’t we just get along? Here we are a year later, another dead child later, but still in the same place.

I need to get myself out of this hating myself funk again. I was doing so well for the months that I thought nothing of TTC. (Yes, of course I still thought about it, how can I not. But it wasn’t a stressful thought, it was an oh off in the future we will do this kinda thought.) Now that the focus is back on trying again I feel like those damn walls are closing in on me.

I used to have a framed picture of Christ on my bedroom wall growing up. While Christ and I aren’t on speaking terms, the words on that picture still very much speak to me.

I didn’t say it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.

This certainly hasn’t been easy. Please let it be worth it.

Friendly Hotel Front Desk Clerk goes on a field trip and First Softball Game

Rodney, my wonderful boss was not so wonderful as usual yesterday and forced me to go on an Amish tour. I have lived in Lancaster for almost 12 years now and have gotten away with never going on a formal tour. Sigh.

To be honest, it wasn’t as bad as Jenn and I thought it would be. Yes, Jenn went too, I refused to go alone! We did the tour with three old couples. They asked some really fun questions 🙂 Like at every single one room schoolhouse we passed “Is that the one where all the kids were killed?” No, they burned that school down. Now, once you are told that they burned something down, why must you ask at every single school “Is that the one?” NO THEY BURNED IT DOWN!!!” In answer to the question, yes, we do live very near to the school that the shooting occurred at. When people ask me where it is at The Hotel, I refuse to answer. I see no reason why the Amish should be disrupted when they have already forgiven the man.

Anywho…we had more fun than we thought we would. Jenn got to see some animals. She LOVES animals. If we ever win the lottery we will totally live on a farm. A little farm with just a few animals and lots of saved dogs and cats.

On the tour we made a stop at an Amish business where the father runs a furniture making business. The furniture looks just like wood but is made out of recycled milk cartons. Jenn and I fell in love with a piece and are now saving up our monies to buy it:

Ignore the red and blue tables. The two chairs both rock on their own, and the table in the middle stays stationary. We will pick a different color than the boring tan…but I cannot wait to buy it and sit on our front porch like the boring old couple we are!!

The Mountville Strikers had their first game last night…and they WON!!! I love to watch them play! I love to watch Elissa, Jenn and Lyz coach them. I got the wonderful job of keeping score. I am not very good at my job, but I am the only one available to do it so I just do my best.
Jenn and Elissa coaching:

Lyz and Delaney coaching and Avery (#19 and no, that isn’t her last name) as batgirl:

Chris being the umpire: (He takes his job very seriously, it is very cute to watch)

Yeah Team!!

Mingo Monday

A Collection within the Collection

There are many divisions in my flamingo collection. There are stuffed animals, picture frames, framed post cards, statues, really I could keep going on. Today’s focus is Flamingo Pens!

1-A Fluffy Flamingo Pen-this was purchased at the quilt show The Hotel hosts every year. No less than 15 different hotel employees came up to me to say “Did you see the flamingo pens that the booth in the Act 1?” After about the 5th person, I went to look, and purchased, this fluffy flamingo pen. For the next 10 people I just answered them by lifting the pen up and smiling!!

2-Featherhead Flamingo Pen-This pen is doubly awesome. Not only is it completely tacky with its head full of dark black feathers poking out all over the place…but it has a suction cup on the bottom of it so that you can display it all cute and special!

3-Stuffed Flamingo Pen-Another doubly awesome pen! It can sit on your desk and just look like an absolutley adorable stuffed animal…but it is also a pen that is just waiting to be written with! This was a Florida purchase this year.

4-A Sweetly Simple Flamingo Pen-This is a Florida purchase from many many years ago. I love that it isn’t all out there and for the most part it can be used without drawing a lot of attention to yourself. Oh, who am I kidding. Any adult using a pen that is bent into a flamingo shape is going to draw a bit of odd glances from people.

Mingo Monday

A Collection within the Collection

There are many divisions in my flamingo collection. There are stuffed animals, picture frames, framed post cards, statues, really I could keep going on. Today’s focus is Flamingo Pens!

1-A Fluffy Flamingo Pen-this was purchased at the quilt show The Hotel hosts every year. No less than 15 different hotel employees came up to me to say “Did you see the flamingo pens that the booth in the Act 1?” After about the 5th person, I went to look, and purchased, this fluffy flamingo pen. For the next 10 people I just answered them by lifting the pen up and smiling!!

2-Featherhead Flamingo Pen-This pen is doubly awesome. Not only is it completely tacky with its head full of dark black feathers poking out all over the place…but it has a suction cup on the bottom of it so that you can display it all cute and special!

3-Stuffed Flamingo Pen-Another doubly awesome pen! It can sit on your desk and just look like an absolutley adorable stuffed animal…but it is also a pen that is just waiting to be written with! This was a Florida purchase this year.

4-A Sweetly Simple Flamingo Pen-This is a Florida purchase from many many years ago. I love that it isn’t all out there and for the most part it can be used without drawing a lot of attention to yourself. Oh, who am I kidding. Any adult using a pen that is bent into a flamingo shape is going to draw a bit of odd glances from people.

When World’s Collide

Am I the only one this happens to?

Everyone in my real life knows I blog. When I was pregnant with Blue we mailed out our annual Christmas letter and included the blog address in the letter. I did this because most of our family is not in constant contact with us. My parents are far away, well my whole family is far away. Jenn’s parents live close, but that doesn’t mean we talk to them every day, or every week even. So the whole start of the blog was so that people could keep tabs on us.

And it isn’t just our families that know about this blog. EVERYONE we know in real life knows about the blog. I even advertise the blog on my Facebook page. Friends, old schoolmates, everyone knows this blog exists.

Now this causes a problem. There are times that I want to write about things, but can’t, because I worry about who is reading it. Now, those of you reading this who know me in real life…stop freaking out. I am not talking about you if I know you read this blog. Honestly. I promise! And I don’t break promises.

But apart the few people that I know read the blog and comment or make comments to me about something I said on the blog, I am sure there are some that read it and don’t tell me they read it.

Moral of the story is…something happened in my real world recently that has cracked me a little. I almost said broken me, but it isn’t quite that bad. It has been the number two thing on my mind since it happened. Okay, that is over exaggerating. But it is always right at the front of my thoughts. But I can’t talk about it. What if the person/people who this is about read this blog and just haven’t told me?? Then I go and talk about this thing and they are all upset.

Sigh. This blog has been an outlet for me. I have even written things on here that I couldn’t say out loud, but wanted Jenn to know.

The good thing about not being able to talk about this “problem” on here is that the other night I talked to Jenn about some things. When I stopped taking my Prozac in February (because I thought I was all better) physical feelings showed up that I now relate to depression. Earlier this week that feeling came back and I swear I have been taking my Prozac faithfully. I told Jenn. Yes, it took me three days of feeling it to actually open my mouth and tell her, but that is a big step for me. I normally don’t tell anyone anything until it has boiled up inside of me so much that I can’t function. So there is a step.

Sigh. I wish I could talk to you all. I know you would understand.

It is softball season again!

It actually started last week, but I skipped last weeks practice because I…uh…can’t say. Let’s just say my mind was elsewhere. This week I made it to both. I love to see the smile on Jenn’s face while she coaches. She loves to teach the kids and share her vast knowledge of softball!

Tuesday I didn’t even get out of the car! It was absolutely frigid. It was horribly windy and the clouds were big, grey, and scary!!!

Okay, I lied. I got out of the car for two minutes to take a few pictures.

Then I got back in the car and went back to my crocheting!!
Shortly after I got back in the car the clouds started letting loose their lightening, thunder, and as soon as we got in the car to go home, it let loose buckets of rain!

Tonight’s practice was much sunnier!

But as you can tell by all the pants and sweatshirts…still cold!!

First game is next week! It amazing how much the girls have improved since last season!!

Memories…

My goal for the month of April is to get all of our digital photos organized. I have been working on this all day and haven’t even finished 2 of the 6 years I have to do. But let me tell you, looking through all the pictures has made me laugh and cry. I want to share some, since I have nothing else of interest to blog about.

This is how Igan spent most of June/July/August of 2004. We got her fixed and she ripped all the stitches out. I thought I was seeing intestines and called Jenn at work bawling, but it turned out just to be folds of inner skin:

This picture is just cute…taken when we went to Gettysburg:

Before Minne hurt her hip she would wait for Jenn to come home on the top of the chair:

Look! Jenn has a barrette in her hair!:

Minne and I like to play soccer while I am cooking dinner:

Igan has a thing for plastic bags:

Me and Martin Yan:

Me and Alton Brown:

And now my personal favorite…..drum roll please…..

JENN IN A DRESS: