A Selfish Moment

There is a lot going on in the world of CLAD right now. Last night was the first half of the auction selling off all of Delmar’s belongings. Last night was the auction for all of his tools. I was amazed at the amount of tools there were. There were things that no one even knew what they were! As I walked up to the house, for a brief moment I thought “Delmar is going to love this….” And then it hit me he wasn’t there. I stood back for a second to catch my breath and then walked into the food tent.

We made the best of it. I had picked an item and wanted to see how much it went for. Unfortunately there was a hot dog emergency and I missed it being auctioned off…I did manage to hunt down the buyer (Joni’s neighbor, Mr. Joe) to see how much it sold for-$5.00.

Oh, what is a hot dog emergency you ask? Well, CLAD is doing a food tent at the auction, some of the proceeds will go to the American Cancer Society. Avery baked cookies and cupcakes to sell, and we have hot dogs, soft pretzels, sauerkraut, soda, coffee and chips to sell too. It seems we underestimated peoples desire for hot dogs. I was sent first to the gas station for more dogs. As I came walking back up to the tent I see Chris running at me…we were completely out!! Almost as soon as I put my stuff down I was sent to the grocery store for more hot dogs!! My facebook status was “Made not one but two emergency hot dog runs today. I dare you to say I lead a boring life!”

The second half of the auction will be held tomorrow. This will include all of his collections, and the house. If you live anywhere nearby, stop out and visit us. Buy some cookies from Avery, she is an awesome little sales girl. Or just stop buy and give us some moral support.

Onto my selfishness…All I can think about today is that it is just after my birthday. Traditionally that means decorate for Halloween. Or, maybe it is because I heard the Halloween theme song on my way to work this morning and for a brief moment I smiled, thinking she was in the car with me.  It was her favorite ringer for her cell afterall.

It hurts me. It is really really bothering me this morning. Karen and I were talking this morning and I almost started crying. I’m not sure how CLAD is going to feel about this, but I am pretty sure that when I get home I will be installing a set of Skelemingos in their front yard. I will be pulling out the pumpkins that we painted weeks ago and putting them around my room. I will start digging into my rather large collection of milk jugs to start making more craft projects.

I will get through this. But for right now, this moment, I am going to wallow a little in the pain. Remind myself that it is okay to hurt sometimes. Then, I will turn to Lyz and she will remind me that “We got this.”

We do.

Two more notes about my birthday…

Well, a note and a confession.

Note-Every time Lyz called to check on the girls, Avery and Delaney would take the phone and ask to talk to me so they could sing me Happy Birthday. Totally made my day so much awesomer.

Confession-You read all of the wonderful things that Lyz and I got to do for my birthday. Do you want to know what my favorite part of the entire day was?? Something that will seem so simple to most people. In the kitchen, hanging on all of the upper cupboards was “Happy Birthday Na”. I made it. I am officially a part of this family. For everyone’s birthday or Mother’s day or Father’s day or Anniversary, hanging on the cupboards is a piece of paper for each letter, wishing the important person(s) their wish.

I made it. The cupboards wished me a Happy Birthday. I am a part of CLAD.

Karma is not having to push around a squeaky cart.

This title is too long of a story to explain, but I had to use it. Simply had to.

Yesterday was my birthday. I honestly don’t even know where to begin! We will start with Monday. We are big Hell’s Kitchen fans and Beef Wellington is ALWAYS on the menu there. I got the idea that I should make some. So I decided to do it on Monday. For the side dish I made roasted vegetables. For entertainment, Avery, Delaney and I did the “Fan a towel in front of the smoke alarm” dance.

I was nervous that we were going to cut into it and find a raw mess on the inside. Now, we all like our meat rare, but raw would be awful. I handed Chris the carving set, as he is the man of the house, and crossed my fingers. It turned out perfect!! It honestly could not have been more perfect! And those vegetables, holy cow the yumminess!!!

For dessert we had…BIRTHDAY CAKE!!!! Ice cream cake with extra crunchies of course.

Yummy!! You will also notice that it is a tiny ice cream cake. We have to stick with our diet afterall!!!

I unwrapped presents, which included: flamingos, clothes, amazon gift cards and a beautiful framed picture of my beautiful nieces. I had Happy Birthday sung to me. I blew out candles (okay, really I only blew the smoke off the candles, Delaney totally beat me to it!)

Lyz and I tried to go to bed at a respectable hour Monday night. That didn’t work too well. We ended up laying in my bed to watch The Big C season finale (do you watch it?? OHMYHECK!!!!) I played on the computer, read, watched tv, read, snoozed, flipped, flopped and read some more.

Then at 6:30 the alarm went off. I allowed myself five minutes of tears and then sprung out of bed to go have THE BESTEST BIRTHDAY EVER*!!!!! After I took my shower I went and woke Lyz up. We met in my bathroom to do our hair and makeup and giggle. Then it was time to be on the road.

Lyz and I really are two peas in a pod. We really can finish each others sentences. We don’t even have to fully explain things to each other. For example one conversation went:
L:Look… (not looking or pointing anywhere)
H:Its like…
L:Exactly.
Did you follow that? We did.

The drive was so much fun. Lyz did awesome!! When we reached our destination, we had to find parking. We were lucky enough that there is a garage directly across the street from the Studios. But…someone was going the wrong way down the entrance ramp, so we had to drive around the block. And Lyz, she rocked that driving around the block.

We went and got in line to wait for them to let us in to the show and had a blast people watching. We may have also spent some time judging people based on the Martha Rules of What to Wear to a Taping. Lyz and I think we followed the rules perfectly.

Same ticket number as when I went with Joni!!

Joey, the warm up guy, came in to tell us what each show segment would be about. All I heard was Darcy Miller and I squealed!! She is Martha’s wedding girl and while I think she is a bit annoying, the designs she does are simply amazing!!! He also let us know that David Stark, and Lyz even recognized his name (a celebrity party planner!)

I shall now skip over the majority of the waiting and go directly into the show. We were seated in the second row (proof that we can follow the MRoWtWtaT). Some pictures of the set:

Martha and Darcy





Can you read what the teleprompter says in the bottom left corner??? “Now it’s time for gifts! In honor of all the September birthdays we have…” We got some AWESOME goodies, including, but not limited to:
~A $25 gift card to Shutterfly
~A one year membership to eduBakery.com
~An “I ❤ Martha" notepad
~Note cards
~A Happy Birthday stamp
~Scrabble Flash
~A Xyron Creative Station
~A Cake Server
Isn't that awesome!!! Oh…Wait. I forgot one.
A $200 GIFT CERTIFICATE TO GEMVARA.COM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lyz and I (and well, the rest of the audience) screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All said we walked away with just under $600 worth of goodies!!!

If you decide to watch the show, at one point Martha asks the audience if today is anyone's actual birthday so I squeaked out a Me! She said "I heard a me!" Yay!! So, yet again, Martha knows I exist! (There may also have been some nutcase in the audience coughing during the whole first segment with Darcy and Martha…that totally was not me. Wasn't me at all. Cough drops and bottles of water were not flung at me hoping to quiet the horrible noises I was making. Wasn't me.)

We were then given cupcakes that were baked on the show (well, they baked a cake on the show and gave us each a cupcake version). Some day I will have to tell you the story of the Martha Muffin. If you know the story of the Martha Muffin, I will let you know that I actually ate the cupcake!

As we were walking out I told Joey that I went to three different stores looking for a Chunky Bar for him but couldn't find any. He thanked me and gave me a big huge hug!!

After the show we were standing outside so Lyz could call and check on the girls and brag to Chris about our swag, out walks David Stark! I squealed again, and Lyz said "Hi!! She is a huge fan and today is her birthday!" He wished me a happy birthday and chatted with us for a second. Sooooo cool!!!

We walked a few blocks of New York, since we were there we couldn't just get in the car and go back home! Picked up some guyros (another long story) and got in the car. We had decided that we were going to Hoboken to go to Carlos's Bakery, you know, the bakery from The Cake Boss. Lyz wanted to get Chris some cannoli, cause she is sweet like that. While she was on the phone with him he told her she should stop there, making our surprise less fun. She told him we would try, but were nervous about driving!

First, we had to drive out of New York:

A protest


As we drove out of the city I looked out the window and saw the Statue of Liberty!!! I had never seen her before and was so excited! I took a picture from the car:

Just pretend that is her, ok? I was also fumbling for the EZPass box and it was really foggy.

Off to the bakery:




We got our yummy treats (I got some Lobster Tails…yummy cream puff type things) and stopped for a slice of pizza, had a really good laugh, and then hopped in the car to head home!!

My day was wonderful. I spent it with the most amazing person in the entire world. Hey Lyz, maybe you are my soul mate, just like Lee and Kathy. One of us is gay, the other is married. We totally get each other. I love you. Thank you so much for making this birthday, the most amazing day ever!! I mean heck, even Martha gave me cake on the first birthday I ever spent with her!!!

What I know right now…

I know that waking up tomorrow morning is going to suck. I will wake up alone. No one laying next to me. The person who owns my heart will not be there to kiss me good morning and tell me they love me and wish me a happy birthday.

I know that I just took an extra long shower because I was afraid to turn the water off because I couldn’t stop the sobbing and didn’t want anyone to hear me.

I know that I hurt.

But…

I also know that tomorrow morning I will wake up in a house where I am loved unconditionally.

I also know that Avery gave me shit this morning because tomorrow is my birthday and I won’t be home for the majority of it.

I also know that I will be spending the day with the most wonderful sister-friend that anyone would ever be able to imagine.

I also know that I will be seeing my idol, the wonderful Ms. Martha Stewart.

I also know that I am loved. Maybe not by everyone, but at least by everyone who is important.

I also know that I am not alone. I may feel lonely, but I know that just a phone call, text, or hallway away is so many different people who love me and would be by my side in a half a breath.

I also know that if you are reading this, I am thankful. I list you as a friend. Unless you come from one of two ip addresses, then I simply list you as a spy 😉

This has gotta be the good life

So, if you knew me last year, you would know that I was scared to go anywhere alone. I was not a fan. I didn’t have the “balls” to go places, even with people I know (unless it was my pod).

Last night…I drove to a bar(s) by myself. Now, yes, Lyz and Chris were there waiting for me, but I still got myself out the front door and in the car and drove there all by myself. It felt amazing. I think the fact that I felt like I looked amazing helped. I wore my cute little denim skirt (which I had to hike up a few times) and a new t-shirt (It said Blue 42). I had my hair all cute, I did my makeup and I felt wonderful!!

So I met Lyz and Chris at Bar-A. We had a couple of drinks and I met a few of their friends. Then Lyz and I hopped down off our barstools and headed two doors down to Bar-B where TattooJen was having her “Bachelor Party”. I have it in quotes because it can’t really be a bachelor party if the fiance is there (in my opinion). We were barely through the door and were handed jello shots and introduced to the fiance, CJ (Hi CJ!). It made me giggle because the way TattooJen introduced me was to say “this is the girl with the blog”. Guess Pug was right…the whole world really does read the blog!!

We caught up (I really need to start hanging out with TattooJen more, she is a great person, instead of only getting to chat with her when I am getting a tattoo–or a piercing *coming soon to a Heidi near you*) We hung out for about an hour and then made our way back to Bar-A (after chatting with a cool guy for a bit on the street).

Thankfully, Bar-A and Bar-B are on the same block, with maybe 2 buildings and a parking lot between them. We hopped back up on our barstools and watched some football, drank a little, Chris and I shared several dirty conversations while ignoring Lyz’s pleas to include her in the conversation, I watched a strange dude stare at Lyz’s and my cleavage for a bit, listened to some really um interesting karaoke, drank a bit, even danced a little (what can I say, I can’t turn down a reason to shake them). Then it was time to head back over to Bar-B to say congrats and good luck one more time.

I promised TattooJen I would buy her a drink…she choose a sweaty Mexican. I was a little frightened by the word sweaty being in the drink, it brought up memories of a gorilla sweat I once had back in Chris’s bouncing days, um, gag. But, this shot was really good! I mean, any shot that is ended with a pickle chaser can’t be bad right?

When we said goodby, TattooJen gave me two very awesome hugs. Should you ever need a tattoo, she is your girl. Should you ever need a hug, she will fit that roll perfectly wonderfully also!

Back to Bar-A and ONE last drink. Or, maybe two last drinks. Not sure. We paid our bills and headed home.

I had a blast. It makes me want to go out more when I have fun like that!!

Congrats to Jen and CJ!!!! Wishing you a lifetime filled with happiness, love, and health. <3<3<3

I had a _____ day again…

Every night when I climb into bed I decide if I had a good day or a bad day. Last night I was torn. I finally decided it was a really good day.

When I got home from work Avery and I were talking and Chris said “Go change if you are coming with us.” Well, where are we going? Chili’s and Target. So I changed, printed coupons, and off we went. When I climbed into the truck Avery was head-banging to Someone Like You by Adele. It cracked me up!! We heard it again on the way home and Delaney was singing it too, they are the best little girls in the world!!

When we got to Chili’s I threw a pity party in my head because I had a coupon for a two for $35 deal. Just me doesn’t make that worth it. Oh-well, at least Lyz and Chris were able to use it! Then I had a coupon for a brownie sundae…thankfully Delaney was more than happy to share that with me.

Then we went over to Target. I found my Halloween costume, it only cost $2.50 and had Lyz and I in tears of laughter, and had lots of other shoppers staring at me like I was insane. (Guess you will just have to wait until Halloween to see what it is, but I will just say it has something to do with Friends.)

With Martha being next week, and two paragraphs of what to wear and what not to wear, Lyz and I decided to look at shirts. We are both losing weight (I really need to get a picture of Lyz on here so you all can ohhh and awwwee with me, she looks freaking amazing!!) so we were both excited to buy shirts smaller than we used to! It really does make shopping so much more fun!

We then headed over to the Halloween department (No, my costume didn’t come out of the Halloween department!) and looked around. This is where my night started to go downhill a little. Jenn loved (loves?) the Target Halloween section. They have the best gravestones. Every year I would have to talk her into buying one. Every year she would have a hard time choosing between two. Every year I would go back the next day and buy her the one she didn’t choose. So I got a little sad, but I managed to swallow it all back, Halloween cannot be my downfall. In fact, Lyz and I even made plans to go to Target after Halloween for some discounted shopping. I lost all Halloween decorations in the divorce. I regret that move as there are several that I would really like to have back. (The Skelemingos are in my custody, fear not.)

When we got home, the girls went to bed and Lyz and I were chatting. I had a bit of a breakdown. Lyz made a statement that was very eye opening to me, it gave me a lot to think about.

But all in all I think I had a pretty darn good day. I didn’t fake my smile. There was no plaster facade. When I started to melt down I talked about it instead of running and hiding or keeping it all inside to fester.

See, I don’t need her. I have who I need. Four very important people who keep me going. Who keep me alive. They are worth more than all of the oxygen in the world to me!!

(Do you know the song?)

I learned something…

I thought Jenn was wonderful.  I thought she cared for me more than anyone could ever care for me.  I have come to the realization that she wasn’t the best thing in the whole wide world.  She wasn’t even close.

I met Jenn shortly before my birthday in 1995.  My 18th birthday.  We went with a bunch of my friends to Taco Time (mmmm, I miss Taco Time).   They had all asked me if there was something that I really wanted.  A cake, and to go to the park and swing on the swings.  No cake, but we did swing on the swings.

Jenn would ask me every year what I wanted most for my birthday.  Every year my answer was a cake that I could blow out candles on.  It took her until 2009 to actually get me a cake for my birthday.

One year in the 16 birthdays I spent with her she got me a cake.  I didn’t get one last year either, but that is understandable, by then she was having an affair, I wouldn’t have time to get the girl I’m cheating on a cake either.

Last night I went to K’s to celebrate my birthday with her.  I won’t get to see her again until October 4th when she has surgery (nothing major).  So, last night was our birthday party.  She bought me the cutest little Coach purse and more importantly, baked me a German Chocolate Cake, complete with coconutty goodness frosting. German Chocolate is my third favorite type of cake. First being Chocolate Bumpy Cake which is impossible to get here in PA. Second is Ice Cream Cake with EXTRA crunchies.

One birthday, one cake.  Or 16 birthdays, one cake.

How did I not realize how little Jenn cared?

Little Bits

• The pile of laundry grows at a faster rate in direct proportion to the frequency of which you go to the gym.
• Lyz and Chris (and even Avery upon once accidentally seeing K’s picture) have decided that K looks just like Jenn.  I didn’t see it.  Until Sunday.  K was wearing cargo shorts, a button down shirt, a baseball cap, and sunglasses.  I see it now.  But I still think K is much better looking.  Much better body, bigger muscles, legs that aren’t supposedly all muscle, but actually all muscle.  Her eyes are actually green, not pretend green.
• I sneezed three times in a row Sunday night.  K said “Bless you once, twice, three times a lady”, I laughed.  I swear sometimes I am dating Jenn’s good twin.  Why did I get stuck with the evil twin for so long?
• I had considered a whole password protected post for today, but decided I was too much of a lady (three times a lady as a matter of fact) to do it.
• Saturday I went to Field of Screams with Lyz, Chris and Louisa.  We had a lot of fun.  I swear Lyz wears a sign that says “Scare her!!”.
• After Field of Screams, Lyz invited me out, for an hour, with some of her friends from high school.  I went.  Lyz smiled, she said she loves it when I surprise her by doing things that the Jennified me wouldn’t have done.  We went out, we drank, we had a blast.  We came home 5 hours later.  It felt good.
• Last night Lyz and Chris had softball so it was just me and the girls.  We painted our nails all funky and had a total blast doing it.
• I am now a Tastefully Simple consultant.  I’m not sure I will be a good one, but it will at least be fun for awhile!
• My scrapbook is caught up.  To the day.  This is amazing.
• I got a Kindle.  It makes life at the gym so much more fun!!!
• I gained three pounds in two days even though I was being diligent in what I was eating.  I blame the few days before and beer bread for the weight gain.
• I went shopping yesterday and got three shirts and a pair of pants for just under $16.  I’m wearing the pants today, I may have to return them, they keep falling off my hiney.
• Weightloss=need to buy new underwear.  I’m actually going to go do that (online) after I publish this post.
• Lyz and Chris went somewhere the other day and she stopped to give me a kiss on the cheek before she left…for some reason that simple little act made my night.
• Drama Llamas should be outlawed.
• Facebook should have to sign a contract that they will leave well enough alone.
• My birthday is next week and it is going to be the best birthday ever.  Why??  Picture this.  Lyz.  Me. New York City.  A personal invitation to the Martha Stewart show.  Life is good people.  Life is good.

How I Iost weight. And how I’m losing weight.

I sat here and wrote out the truth, but realized that the whole truth isn’t pretty. So, cliff notes-I did it wrong. I was depressed and stopped eating. If I did eat it made a quick exit. This worsened after Jenn left. I kept nothing down ever. Even once the massive fog had lifted I still only ate if there were people around watching me.

But, here we are now. I have a gym membership. I follow myfitnesspal the right way. I make smart choices in what I am eating. No more cheeseburgers for me. In fact out to dinner with K last week I ordered a black bean burger. I wanted a burger so bad but didn’t want all the grease. I have a drawer in CLAD’s fridge full of healthy treats. Although, I did eat a heck of a lot of beer bread and spinach dip the other day.

I am going to the gym. I’ve only been doing this faithfully for a week, so don’t cheer too loud yet. I walk on the treadmill every time I go, and lift weights every other time. I want to muster up the courage to go to the Piyo class they offer, but I haven’t quite gotten there yet.

This past week I lost 3 pounds. (Well, to be honest I lost 7, but had gained 4 early in the week thanks to my period.) I’m going to do this the right way. Should I hit another slump, I will be looking back in to gastric bypass.

I want my outsides to look as good as I feel on the inside. K has done an amazing job of building up my self esteem. She has pulled off in 6 months what Jenn couldn’t do in 15 years. I feel like a rockstar, through and through. The real me is totally starting to shine through, not the me that someone wants to see, the real me. I’m so happy that Jenn was able to find someone that could fit perfectly into her servant mold without having to try and shove them into all of the intricate corners. That leaves me free to release myself from the mold. To create my own mold. A smaller mold this time!!

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

The other day I was having a conversation with someone and she mentioned she liked my shoes. I thanked her. She asked why they weren’t Crocs. Oh, didn’t you hear I threw away an entire bag of those? We were sitting in a waiting room and I was flipping through a magazine and I said “I used to really like this magazine, but now it annoys me that they don’t include nutritional information”. She turned, touched my hand and said “You are becoming someone I don’t recognize.” I smiled and said “Or, am I just becoming who I already was?”

But then I started to think about it. Is it good or bad that I have made such changes? I think most of the changes are for the best. I think that I have only made changes that make me a better person. I think that I like who is starting to emerge from this cocoon of mourning.

I spent the rest of that day thinking about it. I realize that those changes started before the ex left. They started on a very specific day that I cannot discuss here, but they started. I began to stick up for myself. Lyz could tell you a story about dirty laundry that proves the changes started before Jenn left.

I’m sticking up for myself now too. Yes, I’ve changed a lot. But I’m the same person I always was, I just have more freedom than before. There isn’t that person standing beside me judging every move I make. There isn’t that person standing over me telling me that I am simply weak. There isn’t that person lying to me about everything. There is just me. Strong. Tall. Proud.

and Happy.