Weekend Update

We all have off this weekend. I like weekends like this. We stayed up late last night drinking and playing Scrabble. Then at 11:42pm the most amazing thing happened. You know my friend Frances? She has an older brother named David who I dated for a little over a year. He was my senior prom date.

Anywho…he was at the Linkin Park concert and since Waiting for the End is my current theme/strength song, he was awesome enough to call me while they played it. I sat at the table crying. It was so perfect. He is a such an awesome man!! I love you David!!

Today we have a fun day of hair dye, errands and lounging planned. Chris was just able to find Megamind at Redbox so we will be watching that tonight.

Tomorrow…I have a thing. Calling it a d-a-t-e scares me. I’m not sure why. Now, I have been “seeing” someone for a bit, but S (as she will be known) is little more than a good friend. I see nothing going forward with her. Now, tomorrow I get to have a thing with K (as she shall be known). And it scares the crap out of me. I still feel as though I am cheating on Jenn. I was supposed to go out with K two weeks ago, but I chickened out. Chris says that I need to get out there so he has made the deal that if I do not go out with K on Sunday, he will kick me out. Perfect incentive for me to make myself do it.

So big weekend ahead. I’m not kidding when I say I’m scared to death of tomorrow. I feel major guilt. I’m not kidding when I say I feel like I am cheating on Jenn. But I have to get myself out there and take the next step.

We’re going to the birds

In today’s installment of money saving ideas I present to you: How to feed a family of 5 on a budget of $10.00.

We were able to only spend $10.00 supplementing a free turkey and food we already had in the house in order to feed ourselves dinner Sunday through tonight (we cheated on Wednesday, I will explain)!!

It all started on Friday night.  I honestly don’t remember how the conversation started but it ended with Chris being sent to the garage fridge to grab the free turkey they got at Thanksgiving and putting it in the sink for a thawing bath. Somewhere in the middle had been a conversation like the shrimp conversation in Forest Gump (we could have turkey, turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey burgers…)

Sunday morning I didn’t come downstairs until after 10 and Lyz gave me the cutest little pout and said “It is probably too late to put the turkey in isn’t it?”  I ran back upstairs to grab my Martha Stewart Cooking School book and declared “It should only take four hours!!”

Lyz and I have never cooked a turkey before. We’ve both been around when our mothers have done it and I have watched Jenn do it many times, but we’ve never done it. We found a pan that CLAD had bought at an auction that we thought would be suitable and stared at the bird in its packaging.

I don’t touch raw meat. I don’t. I do not. Never have. Ick. Gross. Yuck.

So, Lyz cut open the packaging and…
I touched it. I pulled it out. I pulled the neck out of its hiney. I pulled the gizzards out of its throat. I gave it a bath in the sink. I did it!!!! Yay me!! We patted the bird down and then let Avery and Delaney have fun smearing it with butter and an entire jar of Mrs. Dash. (that is what happens when you let a two year old have one more shake) Avery had a blast putting spices in the turkey’s butt. Lyz and I may have laughed a lot at that.

The house filled with the wonderful aroma of turkey and Riley (aka Muffin) kept running over to the stove to see what was going on. Lyz and I both felt oh so domestic that Chris was able to come downstairs to a house full of turkey deliciousness!

Meanwhile, Avery and I played with the pieces.

We had fun learning about the heart and the liver and the kidneys. None of us wanted to play with the neck though…ewwww.

So for dinner on Sunday night we had turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy and stuffing:



(spiced butt of turkey)

Monday night for dinner we had one of the ultimate in comfort foods…Hot Turkey Sandwiches!!! Lyz, Avery and I had gone to gymnastics while Chris was getting his ready. Lyz and I may have expressed a fear that we were going to come home to no gravy!!

Tuesday we had cold turkey sandwiches. Still yummy, but not as excellent as hot turkey sandwiches.

Wednesday night I wasn’t able to get home from work early enough to prepare what we had planned, but turkey hot dogs were eaten to keep our turkey theme going.

After dinner last night, Avery, Delaney and I got to work on tonight’s dinner. This way it is sitting in the fridge ready to go so we don’t have to worry about me being stuck at work! We made:

TURKEY CROQUETTES!!!
Now I had never heard of these things until I moved out here. I would laugh when we go to Shady Maple because Jenn and Lyz would get all excite when they saw croquettes, only to 95% of the time find out they were only serving seafood croquettes that day. They are yummy, not in my top ten, but still good and when you have 6 tons of turkey meat I see no reason not to make them. Now normally this is a project that I would do when home alone but this time was the most fun I have ever had making them!!! Why? Because I had Avery and Delaney to help me!! Pictures of course:


Now the croquettes are all happily waiting in the fridge for someone to put them in the oven. The only thing I am left to wonder…

What if CLAD doesn’t like homemade croquettes? Guess I’ll just order pizza lol

My Body

I have some “should’ve been” good news and some regular good news about my body.  First I will share the “should’ve been” good news:

Without any drugs, for the last three cycles I have had regular periods.  I have felt myself ovulate.  I have had 29 day cycles.  It is like my body got the notice that I know longer cared what it did in that department and decided to tell me it could.  Well pbbbbbbbbbtttttt to you body.  You better keep it that way so that when I start ttcing again I don’t have to drug you or stick needles into you.

 

And for the real good news…….

I hit a weight loss goal this morning!!!  I had given myself a pep talk as I walked over to the scale telling myself not to be discouraged if I gained a few pounds as I got my period and that usually brings five pounds of bloat along with it.

NOPE!!  LOST TWO MORE POUNDS!!  This brings my grand total to 55 pounds since mid-November.  This put me under a certain weight (you could figure it out if you really tried) and made my morning!!  I went skipping naked and doing a naked happy dance through the second floor.  Thankfully CLAD was not home.

As a reward I stopped and bought myself a slushie on the way to work.  I know, some of you are groaning, but Heidi, if you are trying to lose weight, a slushie is not what you need!!  But you see, I haven’t had one since the day before Jenn left me.  Slushies were a little way (I thought) she would tell me she loves me.  She would bring me one home from work, or after running an errand.  She would ask me on the way home from places “Can I stop and get you a slushie??”  And since she left me I just haven’t been brave enough to go get myself one.

So I guess there is a third piece of good news about my body this week.  I found my bravery.  I’ve ignored two phone calls from Jenn.  I went out last night even though all I really wanted to do was crawl into bed.  And I bought myself a slushie.

(note-it was a small slushie.  Not one of the gigantic ones I used to drink, so go me!)

Mingo Monday-A Rebirth

If you are reading this through a reader, please head over to the actual blog to see all the new changes that Calliope and Plaid House Designs have done for me!!

Ladies and Gentleman. Today is the day. I am going to count today, February 21, 2011 as my official ReBirth Day. I am in process of getting a new tattoo. This new tattoo will also help in the rebrithing process. I seem to mark all important life changes with a new tattoo in my old age. But more on the tattoo to come.

For now, please note the new header. I had to change it for a few reasons. First, the old header had a flamingo acting as a stork. As the baby making process is on hold for a little (I am looking into becoming a SMBC {single mother by choice} but for now am perfectly happy as a PANK {professional aunt no kids}) That Storingo had to go. Also having to go was the ying-yang. Jenn demanded that the ying-yang be added to the header. It was her way of marking her territory I suppose.

So things you should note about the new header:

  1. Calliope rocks.  She all sorts of rocks.  I emailed her what I needed and she came back with the most awesome designs ever!!
  2. When I emailed Calliope I let her know that the blog name would still be Thinking Miracles.  I said “I’ll always be thinking miracles” and she included that line in the header.  She is wise I tell you.
  3. The new flamingo.  It is actually a Phoemingo.  It is a phoenix flamingo rising from the ashes.  This is important to me in two ways.  First, because I am rising from the ashes.  I am coming out of the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I am being reborn.  Second, as we all know, I have a major Harry Potter thing and there is a phoenix in the HP books named Fawkes.  So a Phoemingo is simply perfect for me.
  4. Over there on the left…to the left of  “Thinking Miracles” and underneath “I’ll Always Be”…do you see it?  Yep, that would be my imaginary best friend, Orion.  In case you did not know, had Blue been born alive, his name would have been Orion.  We choose to keep his name as Blue after he passed only because that is how he had always been known, and felt he should always be known as the same.  Orion has always and will always be the one constant in my life.  (No, this does not mean that I love him more than any member of CLAD+J)  I simply do not remember a time when Orion was not an important part of my life.  Now he has lots of different meanings to me than he did when I was eight, but he still means peace and protectiveness, and that will always be important.
  5. I love this header.  Calliope had sent me a few, and while I loved them, I was not IN love with them (seems to be the current theme of my life!!).  Lyz would look at them and say “that’s cute”.  Then the email carrying this one came.  I cried.  It was like the day I saw my wedding dress in an ad.  I KNEW this was the header for the blog.  I instantly sent a picture of it to Lyz who instantly wrote back “I LOVE IT!”.  Even Chris showed a hint of something when he looked at it and said “yah, that is it”.  It was love at first sight.  I was speechless.  I could hardly even write back to Calliope and say it was the most perfectest header ever.

 

So, should you be in the hunt for a new header, Calliope is your woman.  Seriously.  And, welcome back to Mingo Monday.  Welcome to my ReBirth Day Party.  Welcome back Heidi!!

Confession

This is a very difficult post for me to write. I am not very good at sharing. Honestly. Well, I’m good at sharing good things, bad things, not so much.

What I am about to share only two people know. One isn’t real. Orion is my imaginary best friend. The other is Jenn, and she only found out the day she left me. Lyz doesn’t even know this until right now, she is going to read it here.

But something Lyz said to me yesterday triggered all of these thoughts back into my head and now I feel the need to share. Lyz said:

“I am starting to believe now that there is someone out there for you that will make you happier than J…Yes it was fun and a lot of laughs but I think you were just comfortable and not really happy the last couple of years”

A year and a half ago I almost left Jenn. I was not in love with her. She was unemployed, lazy and had no cares to change any of it. I would get in my car to leave work and cry because I didn’t want to go home to her. And she was always there. Everything she did or didn’t do annoyed me to no end. Our sex life was almost non-existent, and if for some reason we did have sex I would just fake my way through to make it end quicker.

I went through three months of this. And because I am unable to share it was a very lonely three months. I couldn’t tell anyone because I was embarrassed and I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, especially Jenn’s. We had our perfect little family with CLAD and I didn’t want to disturb it.

So, I reworked my good old plaster facade and told myself to just deal with it. I made myself point out every morning and every evening what it is that I love about Jenn. I made myself fall back in love with her. And I did. I fell harder for her the second time around than I had the first. I did what I always do, I put everyone else in front of myself. And look where that has gotten me.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I realize now that I drove Jenn away more than I thought I had. Maybe she knew all of that was going on. I should have been honest with everyone from the start. Maybe if I would have shared with Jenn then we could have gone to counseling and worked on both of us.

Either way it doesn’t matter now. I had an epiphany last night. For as much as I hurt. For as much pain as I am in both physically and emotionally. For as often as I cry and sob and stress over how to handle things.

I am happier now. I get to spend my time with Avery and Delaney. Delaney likes to read my books when I leave them on the sofa. Avery loves to climb into my bed and watch movies with me. I was able to put Delaney to bed last night. I love the way they both run screaming NAAAA when I walk into a room, even if I only went to the bathroom. Avery and I go on walks and talk about Ryan (Orion). Lyz and Chris and I have an awesome routine going. We all mesh so well together.

I wish I would’ve told someone sooner. Just like I wish Jenn would have told me sooner. But I understand why she didn’t. It is a very hard thing to say. This does not mean I in anyway condone the way she handled things, cheating on me is not okay. I did not cheat on Jenn. I had never even considered the thought. (If she is reading this she just screamed “I DID NOT CHEAT” but to me, and pretty much everyone I know, emotional cheating is still cheating.)

Okay, I’m hitting publish now. I’m scared to do it. I really do hate sharing. Especially since I am basically telling the truth after lying for so long.

I love you all!!

Chris makes me smile

I don’t talk about Chris enough. He is a very very awesome husband, father, son-in-law, and friend. He keeps me smiling when I find it so hard some days.

Examples:

~One night we (Chris, Lyz and I) were all sitting on our respective corners of the sectional and all the sudden Chris looks up and says “Are you two seriously texting each other?” yes. Yes we are. Our toes are two inches from each other, we could simply open our mouths and talk, but it is just more fun to text okay. So I texted Lyz “Your husband is a tool” and texted Chris “Do you feel left out”. This led to a whole conversation about tools and douches and other various name calling.

~It made me laugh to see him laughing so hard at the Cee Lo performance at the Grammy’s.

~When he leaves for work I always say “Be Safe”. I have done this every time I have been around him at the moment he leaves from work, since before I moved in. Now he answers me “But that wouldn’t be any fun!”.

~He pats me on the head when he walks past.

~On Sunday I met CLAD+J at a restaurant to drop off Lyz’s work keys on my way home from work. I was heading home and they were heading out to the home show. We walked out to the cars and Lyz and I were chatting about something. Chris rolled down the window and yelled “YOU LIVE TOGETHER!!!! GET IN THE CAR!” hehehe

~The other day I was a little late leaving work and he texted me: “Where you at?” “Greenfield Road, did you need something?” “Yeah, You!” I cried. It felt so good to know that someone needed me (even if it was just because I was bringing home milk)

It isn’t simply my pain

The other night Lyz and I were talking and I realized how much pain she must be in. I mean, I have never thought she wasn’t, but it really hit me that I am totally selfish and have been only focusing on how much my heart and soul are hurting.

She has to deal with all the pain threefold. First, as my best friend and sister, she has to watch as I am ripped apart by pain and guilt and other horrible emotions. She has to watch me hurt and feels each pain with me.

Second, she has to deal with the pain that her best friend and sister walked out on her. Someone who has been through most of the major moments of her life, held her hand through them, promised to always be there to hold her hand again and love her simply walked away from her. The day after the split she was found bawling in the laundry room, texting Jenn begging her not to do this. Please, my father choose the other woman over me, I cannot do this again. Choose me. Every so often Lyz tells me again that she still wants Jenn to choose her. (When we refer to Jenn in this way, we mean our Jenn, not the person she has become).

Thirdly she has to be the mother watching her children be sad. I cannot go into detail about this because it isn’t really my place. But as their Auntie I know it hurts, I cannot imagine how it feels to be their mother.

This isn’t simply my pain. So many people were hurt by this. We are all slowly healing, well, most of us are healing. I wish I could have spared my Lyz the pain. Spared everyone but me. I tried that day. I told Jenn that I would text Lyz and tell her it was all my fault, that I was cheating on Jenn, that I had ended it. I told Jenn that I would go away and let Jenn have everything she wanted. If I could have done it different at all I would not have moved in with CLAD. But I was selfish. I knew that in order to stay alive I needed to see Avery and Delaney’s faces constantly. I needed to know that they hold me accountable. That I could never hurt them more than they have already been hurt.

There are days where I want to just find Jenn and give her a list of how she could make things better. When I do try to give her hints she tells me she won’t be dictated to. No one is trying to dictate anything. All we want is to have her as a part of our lives, which she claims she wants too. To have her know that we all still love her and are all still here for her. But she simply won’t listen. She gets so angry when I try to talk to her. I wish I knew what was fueling the anger. I wish I knew…

Who am I kidding. I wish I knew anything.