I’m so mean

There is a part in the third book of the Twilight series where Edward holds Bella while she cries.  She is crying because she had to say goodbye to Jacob, who she is in love with.  Edward holds her and comforts her while she cries.  I remember reading that the first time and saying “Poor Edward, how horrible for him”.

I like K, I really do.  Lyz asked me last night when I got home if I think it will go anywhere.  No, I don’t.  I do like her.  I like her a lot.  I don’t think that I will ever be in love with her, and she is fully aware of this.  She has known this from day one.  I warned her from the start that I don’t want her to expect too much from me.

And last night, without knowing at all what she was about to crack open, K kissed me on the forehead, three kisses right on my forehead.  In case you are new here, Jenn would kiss me goodnight every night with three kisses on my forehead.  One for her, one for me, one for Blue.  I would not be able to sleep at night without those three kisses.  The first night at CLAD’s house I cried and mourned the loss of my three kisses.  My forehead kisses are what I miss the most from Jenn.

I don’t know what sound escaped my lips, but I know it wasn’t a happy sound.  K put her hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes.  My eyes that were rapidly filling with tears.  And I lost it.  I cried so hard I was gasping, my whole body was shaking.

First I cried because I miss Jenn’s forehead kisses.

Then I cried because K has deeper feelings for me and here I am crying over someone else, all because she was sweet enough to kiss my forehead.

Then I cried because K had put her arms around me and was holding me tight while I cried.

I cried for about thirty minutes.  Then I started apologizing.  She pulled my chin up and told me not too, she understood.  So I cried some more.  I was so afraid to look in her eyes, I didn’t want to see the hurt in them.

But there wasn’t hurt.  There was concern.  She cares so much.  She has used the love word to me.  I’m so mean.

But I’m also being slightly selfish for once.  I need someone right now who will hold me, yes, I have a million and two friends and family members who will hold me, it isn’t the same.  I like feeling loved.  I’m honest with her.  I don’t know that I will be able to return her feelings, she knows this.  But is making sure she knows this enough?  Wouldn’t it be better of me to break it off before she gets in any deeper and I hurt her more?

I don’t know.  This isn’t someplace I thought I would ever be and it is very confusing.

That being said…she is going away for a few weeks soon and I already miss her.


5 thoughts on “I’m so mean

  1. That’s the kind of thing that you have to be really careful with. I could tell you my story of my ex, but it wouldn’t be very heartening. But it doesn’t make you mean. Not at all.

  2. This is where I really stick my foot into it, but why the hell are you dating? I don’t get it. You aren’t the first friend I’ve seem fall off the horse and get right back on. I’ve never seen it end well. It always seems like it is too much, too soon, and from a grumpy point of view, it invariably ends with me in someone’s living room, holding them while they sob. Now, I’m happy to hold a friend while her heart is broken, that’s my job, but it always ends that way, when people rush in.

    No one would ask you to date right away if Jen had died. No one would think that you need to date right away, they would give you time to grieve and mourn and sort out your new life. They would give you a year, and they would expect you to take it. No one would think anything of it.

    Why not in this case?

  3. Maybe K isn’t a forever girl, but you’re healing, and she’s a part of the healing process. All you can be is honest with her, which you are. ❤

  4. You are not mean. You are being real. Human. You are being honest from the very beginning. Keep being honest (honest and gentle is a good combo) and you will never be being mean…

  5. Mrs. Spit has no problem spitting out what she thinks. I’m with her. It takes time to sort thru all the emotions to actually make healthy choices.

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