Future Thoughts

I have to start this post with a little background information.  Friday, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One came out on DVD.  I had planned to pick it up on my way home from work, but got distracted by the lacrosse game.  By the time we got home, I had decided I would just get it Saturday.  Big shock, me waiting for something Harry?  As we all started to relax in the living room Avery looked to me and said “Did you know that a Harry Potter movie came out today?”

I looked at Lyz and asked if I could borrow the car.  I ran out and bought it right then.  I was so excited to climb into bed and watch it…

But my dvd player didn’t work…wahhhhhh

So Monday Chris came downstairs and started getting the girls ready to go to the gym.  He asked me how my “adventure” on Sunday night was.  None of us wanting to make it clear to Avery what is going on, not until I am in a serious relationship anyway.  I said it was fun and asked him to teach me how to use the downstairs DVD player.

As they started to walk out the door he said “Have a fun date with Harry!” I smiled and then Avery caught my eye.  I cannot describe the look on her face.  I almost gasped.  She whispered “You’re going on a date?” with shock in her voice.  I almost wanted to scream “But Aunt Jenn has been dating before you even knew that her and I broke up!” But I didn’t.  I just laughed and explained that Daddy was joking about me watching Harry Potter.

Wow.  In my head I had always known that it would be a very long time before I would let Avery and Delaney know that I was dating.  An even longer time before I allowed anyone to meet them.  I’ve told Lyz that I I would never even let anyone spend the night.  I don’t want them to get to know someone unless I am very very serious with the person.  I’m talking practically engaged, or moving in with them.  K is awesome about this.  She knows how important CLAD is in my life.

But I never realized that Avery had been thinking the same thing.  She asks every so often when Jenn and I will get back together.  She knows that my answer is always “Never sweetie”  She’ll ask why and I tell her that sometimes people don’t stay together forever.  She asks me if I still love Jenn, of course I do!  I’ll never stop.  Does Jenn still love you?  I lie.

But the more I think about it, I realize that I will be single forever.  I don’t believe there is anyone out there good enough for me to want to bring them into the girls lives.  I mean, I thought Jenn was perfect.  Look at the pain she has caused in their lives.  I can’t do it.  My only choice would be to do what I did with Jenn…run away from everyone I love.

But then I was 19.  I was young and stupid and irresponsible.  Would I change it now?  No.  I would never trade away the years I did get with Jenn.  They were wonderful.  But I know better now.  I am a grown up in some ways.  When I ran away from my family we weren’t having the best of relationships anyway.  We’ve rebuilt that now.  We are much better.  Better than ever before I would say.

But I couldn’t run away from CLAD.  It would be impossible.  I fit with them.  I am able to joke with Chris, I can support Lyz, I have a comfy spot to lay and bed and watch guppies.

We always knew this.  It goes back to my pod theory. In fact a week or two after Jenn left I turned to Lyz and screamed “That bitch broke our pod!”  Lyz sighed and said she had thought of that too.  But how will I ever find someone who fits so perfectly in our pod?

I’m not saying I’m not going to look, hell, I have another date tonight with K.  I’m simply saying that I cannot be the cause of anymore pain to any part of CLAD.  I love them too much.

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2 thoughts on “Future Thoughts

  1. Aw, Heidi. My advice is to not overthink things. Don’t go into any situation wondering about whether or not the potential party will hurt CLAD in the long run, since anything can happen in the long run. And CLAD is a strong force to be reckoned with.

    I’m so proud of you for dating – and I’m sure A&D notice your newfound glow. If things go from dating to official, you’ll know how to proceed from there. You’ve already been way braver than I think you would have credited yourself for a few months ago – anything that happens in the future will be a piece of cake.

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