Everyday my brain picks something new to obsess over and cause the hole in my chest more pain. Whatever thought it picks in the morning, it keeps going throughout the entire day, running its fingers through the thought, causing me to gasp at times. If my brain feels that I am becoming numb to a particular thought it branches out on that thought until it feels me gasping for breath.
But my brain must have really liked yesterday’s pain because it is using the same thought today.
“You gave up. You didn’t fight.”
My brain is right. I didn’t fight. I can even see the look on Jenn’s face and hear her saying the words “You aren’t going to fight for me?” No. The conversation before that was “I have feelings for _____” My response was “Oh. Okay then. I hope everything works out.” “You aren’t going to fight for me?” I couldn’t. I didn’t have any fight left in me. I knew that all I want in this world is for Jenn to be happy. If being with her makes Jenn happy, then that is what I want. I also knew that I couldn’t fight for someone who wasn’t willing to fight for me. I’d seen that the fight had left her. She had already given up on me.
But was I wrong for not fighting? Would things have been different if I had fought? They certainly couldn’t be any worse. She’s gone. She left. She didn’t say goodbye. The last words I have to hold onto are “You’re a fucking bitch”. And in rereading an email I sent to her I remember the rest of her goodbye speech. “You’re a fucking bitch and no, I’m not going to give you a goodbye hug.” She didn’t even let me see Minne and Igan again.
I didn’t fight. I gave her up. And that kills me.
I feel myself retreating deeper inside. I asked Lyz last week if I had been being extra bitchy. No, but you have been quieter. I spent this week trying to force myself out of my head. I went to gymnastics, I went to lacrosse. But still I feel myself crawling in deeper. I texted Danielle the other night because I feel the urge to run away coming back. I wouldn’t know where to go, so it doesn’t matter. But I needed someone to tell me to stay.
Sometimes I wonder if Danielle and Lyz talk together. I have different things that I tell each of them. I share some of the scarier things with Danielle, and the more immediate ones with Lyz. I feel like I burden Lyz enough, so poor Danielle gets some of the flack. But after telling Danielle that I am feeling the runaway urge growing again, Lyz said “I know it is going to happen someday, but I don’t know that I ever want you to move out.” That makes me feel good. It is good to know that someone wants me.
While I did give up my marriage and I didn’t fight to keep Jenn, I am not going to give myself up. I am fighting for each breath. Each day. Each moment. I fight the tears. I fight the desperation. I fight the urge to runaway and disappear. I never really thought I was a fighter. Joni said to me last night “The things you learn from stuff like this is just how strong you are and how much you can do because there isn’t anyone to do it for you.” Thankfully I have people to be strong for me. People who love me enough to hold me up. People who will fight for me, and with me.
I will continue to fight. I’ve promised too many people to do otherwise.