Yes, I’m behind but…

I still have to blog about Easter and Avery’s first softball game and Avery being student of the week…but something else is in my head right now so I wanted to say it.

I am insanely bothered by the fact that several of my favorite articles of clothing are missing. Now Jenn admitted to keeping one shirt, and honestly it was a shirt that I didn’t even care about. She thought it was a different shirt (one that I happened to be wearing while she told me this). But several other items are missing and it really irks me.

And I’m not sure why. She kept so many other things that are so much more important than a few pieces of clothing (that honestly, are probably too big for me at this point). Like my heart for example.

Someone I know had surgery this week and when she woke up out of recovery asked for her husband. Her husband that cheated on her 10 years ago. Her husband who left her. Her husband who has been dead for several years. When I heard this I had Avery and Delaney in the car with me and my instant response was “Oh My God”. I have been saying Oh My Heck a lot instead of the former, in an effort to keep my mouth clean around the little parrots. So even hearing it from my own mouth was shocking. My heart reeled for my dear friend. I felt so horrible for her. Tears streamed down my face for not only her, but for her daughter who was telling me this story.

When I got into bed I thought about it some more. I thought about coming out of surgery myself. The first time I screamed at the nurses and hated them for stealing my baby. The second time I didn’t want to come out of surgery. I wanted to stay asleep where everything was happy and peaceful. The thing that made me breathe again was knowing that Jenn was waiting for me and worrying. I began to wonder if our relationship was fake then. Did she fake doting over me in the hospital. Did she fake her concern for me? Her love for me even then? I don’t know. I’ll never know. For the rest of my life I will doubt a 15 year portion of my life.

Then I wondered what would happen in 10 years if I had surgery. Will I come out of it still searching for Jenn? I know that if I was to go under the knife right now I would. But will I still ache so fully in 10 years? Will I ever stop aching?

I promise that tomorrow I will be happier again, here on the blog. I need to talk about Easter (part one, as there is going to be an Easter do-over…I’ll explain later) and how proud I am of Avery (and Lyz!!). I just wanted to get that out of my system. And as usual, just typing it out makes me feel just a little better. Right now I have to go try to chase down Riley and get her into her crate, I have errands to run, and she is so darn good at running away from me!!!

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One thought on “Yes, I’m behind but…

  1. yes Jen did love you……I really believe that with all of my heart…..you were not living a lie for 15 years….I don’t know what happened to Jen and I don’t think Jen knows….part of me thinks Jen got invovled and COULDN’T turn back….I had the same think happen to me…..and I will not believe he never loved me ….we had two children together…..now I am remarried (for 23 years) and I still HAVE to believe he loved me………..even though it was the best thing that has EVER happened to me….and soon you will think the same…..

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