To be honest, I’m not sure what to write here. I’ve written this post at least 10 times this morning.
I had a really great day and a half. Starting Sunday evening and until about 8am this morning. My brain was only whispering bad things at me. I had other things to focus on so I was able to ignore my evil brain for the most part.
I had a great date with K on Sunday night. It was spur of the moment, nothing planned, just a hey, whatcha doing kinda thing. It was perfect. The spontinaiety left me no time to panic or think or anything. I simply freshened up my makeup and walked out the door.
I got home at 2am. Do you know how weird it is to live in your best friend’s house? There I am. Sitting in bed. 25 feet away from Lyz. Silently. Bouncing on the bed. I almost ran down the hall and flung myself into her bed to chat, but since Chris was there, I stopped myself. And of course she worked yesterday morning so I spent all day bouncing waiting for my chance to talk to her!
Then I missed her call. Avery and I were so engrossed in MonkeyQuest that I didn’t even notice my phone ringing. I had to wait a whole extra hour to spill the details of my date!
I spent the rest of the day quite happy. I had a few moments where a thought would start to creep in, but I banished the thoughts. I was so strong that I was able to pack up the three shirts that have been sitting next to my tv that belonged to SWMNBN. They were removed from my bed a long time ago, but I hadn’t had the heart to remove them from my sight. Now they are gone. Two will be burned in the first bonfire of the season. The third will get packed away next to another sweater that I have saved for many years.
Then I woke up at 7:30 this morning. I woke up because someone was digging their toenails into my leg. But I’m so glad they did. I was having a horrible dream. And now my good day has been sidetracked. I have a terrible migraine that is not being helped by the rain. I have my evil brain telling me that I am horrible, word of the day is guilt. Shouldn’t have spent so much time smirking yesterday.
But, I’m still not where I was on Saturday. Yes, I took two steps forward, or honestly, leaps forward. But today I only took half a step back. I was chatting with a friend this morning about the guilt and all the sudden people starting writing on my facebook wall about how wonderful I am! Friends are awesome. And they prompted the following status update from me:
“Three months later and I have support and love. Sure, she has a new place to live and a new woman. But I have friends. Real friends. Friends who love me. And that, ladies and gentleman, is what actually matters.”
I need to remember that Jenn was not the only person in the world who loved me. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I am surrounded by love and support and kind words and love. It helps. Like it helped on Sunday to be out with someone who likes me, who tells me I’m beautiful, who wants to spend time with me. I just need to remember that I am not alone, no matter how lonely I sometimes feel. It keeps my bad brain from trying to squash me.