I am trying so hard to keep faking it until I make it, but this week has been very hard. It has nothing to do with anything really. I just cannot grasp the concept that SWMNBN (She Who Must Not Be Named) hates me so much. I’ve spent my time defending her. I very rarely say bad things about her, yet she has been blasting me saying that I spend all my time blasting her. Yes, I have said a few of the cruel things she has said on the blog. No, they were not out of context. Maybe she said them in anger and didn’t really mean them, but she certainly didn’t share that with me. I’m not a mind reader. If I was, we wouldn’t be in this situation.
Even before we broke up I defended her with everything I had. People would tell me that NewGF was going to cause trouble. NO. I trust Jenn, she has promised to never hurt me. People would complain that she was grumpy all the time. No, she is just having a rough spot. People would say that trouble was brewing, little did I know they were all right. I had asked Jenn a few months back, are you going to leave me? Just tell me now. She yelled at me. Told me I needed to stop listening to people. Told me we needed to disappear and that people were only trying to hurt us because they were jealous of our happiness. I was so blind.
I will admit to laughing yesterday. I wore lots and lots of green for St. Patrick’s Day. I had a green shirt, green sock, necklaces, even green hair. I do not have a single drop of Irish blood in me. I’m German, Scottish and Native American. Except for that pesky last name. That is 100% Irish. People ask me if I am going to get it changed back. Yes, eventually. Right now my budget is saved for other things. The nice thing about it is that I never got my birth certificate changed, so that is one less step when I change back.
The other thing that makes me pause when it comes to changing the name back is that I consider that last name Blue’s last name. That is why I changed it in the first place. We wanted our whole family to share the same last name. The deal was that Blue had my blood and my parents have a son to carry on our name, I would change my name to match hers. Knowing that Blue and I would no longer share a last name bothers me. It isn’t like it is his legal last name or anything. He doesn’t have a birth certificate. I could just change his last name in my head…but I wouldn’t. She is his mother too.
I physically hurt. I emotionally hurt. I go to bed each night and cry. Some nights Joni calls to remind me that I am loved. Lyz kisses me goodnight every night. I get hugs and kisses from Avery and Delaney. And it all helps so much. But not enough. I want my forehead kisses. I want to be held and comforted by the woman that I trusted with my heart. The woman who I had angels with. The woman who promised me everything. The woman who’s last name I took.
I smile everyday, more than before. Everything I have written about my emotions and being proud and being happy are true…but the opposite is true as well. I text Danielle at least twice a week begging her to find a way to make the pain stop. Joni told me Wednesday night that she wishes she could zap me into the future past all of this. But I need to feel it. I need to “build a wall” that will protect me from this in the future. While I am happier and more at peace than I have ever been, I am also colder. I’m not the warm, loving, giving Heidi I once was. I’ve been burned deeply. The new skin is growing back tougher.
I’ll say it one last time. I do not grasp the concept of how she can hate me so much. I cannot figure out what I did to her. I have done everything I could to protect her from being hurt at all. I even felt guilty about taking Blue’s bear with me and sent her a duplicate! I still defend her. To people who say bad things about he, I even defended her here on MY blog.
So that is the truth. Thank you all for your kind comments about how happy and wonderful I sound. I am happy and wonderful, but I cannot wait until this horrible darkness clears and I can be truly happy and wonderful. I cannot wait to feel nothing but peace.