The Whole Truth

I am trying so hard to keep faking it until I make it, but this week has been very hard. It has nothing to do with anything really. I just cannot grasp the concept that SWMNBN (She Who Must Not Be Named) hates me so much. I’ve spent my time defending her. I very rarely say bad things about her, yet she has been blasting me saying that I spend all my time blasting her. Yes, I have said a few of the cruel things she has said on the blog. No, they were not out of context. Maybe she said them in anger and didn’t really mean them, but she certainly didn’t share that with me. I’m not a mind reader. If I was, we wouldn’t be in this situation.

Even before we broke up I defended her with everything I had. People would tell me that NewGF was going to cause trouble. NO. I trust Jenn, she has promised to never hurt me. People would complain that she was grumpy all the time. No, she is just having a rough spot. People would say that trouble was brewing, little did I know they were all right. I had asked Jenn a few months back, are you going to leave me? Just tell me now. She yelled at me. Told me I needed to stop listening to people. Told me we needed to disappear and that people were only trying to hurt us because they were jealous of our happiness. I was so blind.

I will admit to laughing yesterday. I wore lots and lots of green for St. Patrick’s Day. I had a green shirt, green sock, necklaces, even green hair. I do not have a single drop of Irish blood in me. I’m German, Scottish and Native American. Except for that pesky last name. That is 100% Irish. People ask me if I am going to get it changed back. Yes, eventually. Right now my budget is saved for other things. The nice thing about it is that I never got my birth certificate changed, so that is one less step when I change back.

The other thing that makes me pause when it comes to changing the name back is that I consider that last name Blue’s last name. That is why I changed it in the first place. We wanted our whole family to share the same last name. The deal was that Blue had my blood and my parents have a son to carry on our name, I would change my name to match hers. Knowing that Blue and I would no longer share a last name bothers me. It isn’t like it is his legal last name or anything. He doesn’t have a birth certificate. I could just change his last name in my head…but I wouldn’t. She is his mother too.

I physically hurt. I emotionally hurt. I go to bed each night and cry. Some nights Joni calls to remind me that I am loved. Lyz kisses me goodnight every night. I get hugs and kisses from Avery and Delaney. And it all helps so much. But not enough. I want my forehead kisses. I want to be held and comforted by the woman that I trusted with my heart. The woman who I had angels with. The woman who promised me everything. The woman who’s last name I took.

I smile everyday, more than before. Everything I have written about my emotions and being proud and being happy are true…but the opposite is true as well. I text Danielle at least twice a week begging her to find a way to make the pain stop. Joni told me Wednesday night that she wishes she could zap me into the future past all of this. But I need to feel it. I need to “build a wall” that will protect me from this in the future. While I am happier and more at peace than I have ever been, I am also colder. I’m not the warm, loving, giving Heidi I once was. I’ve been burned deeply. The new skin is growing back tougher.

I’ll say it one last time. I do not grasp the concept of how she can hate me so much. I cannot figure out what I did to her. I have done everything I could to protect her from being hurt at all. I even felt guilty about taking Blue’s bear with me and sent her a duplicate! I still defend her. To people who say bad things about he, I even defended her here on MY blog.

So that is the truth. Thank you all for your kind comments about how happy and wonderful I sound. I am happy and wonderful, but I cannot wait until this horrible darkness clears and I can be truly happy and wonderful. I cannot wait to feel nothing but peace.

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10 thoughts on “The Whole Truth

  1. You are stronger and braver than you will allow yourself to admit. You have made it through the first HUGE hurdle with grace and have come out on top of it. She has been cruel and heartless to someone that has a heart larger than anyone I have ever met. I don’t think you will ever understand the “whys” of what happened, none of us will. I KNOW you will come out of the darkness, that the pain will recede and you will be even more wonderful than you already are. You WILL find happiness, You WILL rediscover “Heidi”, and You WILL have people who will stand beside you, laugh with you, cry with you, hold you up when you stumble and be there to celebrate with you when you finally find the peace and happiness you are looking for. Yes, the road is a long one, yes you will feel pain BUT there is light, there is peace, there is happiness. I admire you for so many reasons and am so proud of you. You are MY bright spot in my darkness, you are my grounder when I want to fly away, you are MY rock and I love you more everyday for it.

  2. i don’t think it is anything you “did to her.” her hurtful behavior isn’t your fault (i’m going to keep saying that until you believe it).

    im glad to hear you found some moments of true happiness yesterday. i am hoping that more of those moments are ahead … soon. ♥ ♥

  3. You commented how my last name “through you” in sending the password. But it tells you how I have felt the the same way. My email last name is the one I keep after my split so me and my oldest would share the same last name. It isnt strange to want that sameness with your flesh and blood- and no one would think any ill of you if you did not- and those that do arent worth your time.
    We’ll all get you through this- your close friends and those of us out here who have experienced that pain- and wish it off you soon.
    HUGS!
    Laura

  4. I know you get tired of hearing this…..but it will get better…..I know I have been there….My ex left me and we had two small children (6 & 3) I was a reck…..the best diet I had ever been on….(then I met someone who I swore I was never going to date again) we were married 10 months after my divorce…..yeah 10 months can you believe that one? we just hit 23 years in January….he is the best thing that has ever happened to me….but if you would of told me that when I was going through all of that shit…..I wouldn’t of believe you…..so again I PROMISE it will get better and in the long run you will better off then her……they have this mis trust between them…..they BOTH know what they did to you and if you don’t think they are thinking they might do it to each other……again love ya….

  5. We just can’t understand these things some times. I’ve had two really bad experiences (one with an ex-gf, one with an ex-friend) that have really shown me that. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it, too. 😦

  6. I wish I could stop your pain, but I can’t.

    “How can she hate me”? I don’t think she does. You don’t like me saying it, but I think she is much like her dad. How could “he” walk away from his family? Now he doesn’t “hate” his family, but he has nothing to do with them. Nothing. Explain it? I can’t.

  7. I don’t believe it is just one thing, but the anger and hatred may be because she thinks that of herself, and she is taking out on you instead of dealing with it!

  8. It is totally normal, totally healthy to feel all this. Of COURSE you are still hurting! Exploring who you are without SWMNBN is the positive part of the journey. The half that will keep you afloat. But it does not eliminate or cancel out what you lost. Losing a loved one, however that happens, can not be erased. Yearning for something that made you happy (at least in some ways, and at the time), for someone you loved so deeply– no “new you” will eliminate that. i am sure that each day will be highs and lows for a while. And then one day you will suddenly realize there are more highs then lows. You will continue to grow and change. It will get easier, even if the sense of betrayal never totally goes away. But I do hope that you let it, eventually. That with time (however much time it takes) you realize that people that would act this way are in the minority. that trust is a precious gift we give, not only each other, but ourselves.

    You did nothing wrong. I think that SWMNBN is trying to make you mad. She is trying to hurt you so you will rage against her. It will make her feel better. Its classic, and totally unfair. She is trying to absolve herself of responsibility. If she convinces herself YOU are bad, YOU are lying, YOU are the problem, then it makes it that much easier to justify leaving you in the way she did. I agree with whomever told you to just cease to interact. Do not give her that pleasure. This same thing happened with my BF 8 years ago (same but different, YKWIM) and her ex STILL tries, believe it or not! they have not talked in 6 years and she still gets occasional e-mails, looking for resolution, looking for a way to let himself off the hook, for an excuse. She is re-married and due with a child and he STILL can’t let go. I am sure it has something to do with the fact that she never gave him that ‘out’. Not everyone’s strategy, but that is how she handled it.

    I have said it before and I will say it again. You are unbelievably strong. you are brave. You have lived through a nighmare and are more than intact– you are rising from the ashes. And of course you are loved and not alone, as all those IRL people (and us bloggy people) keep telling you. I hope you know it and believe it.

    Don’t be afraid to sound happy. Don’t be afraid to sound sad. It is all your journey and we are not judging you. xxx

  9. I was going to post a reply but this (halfadozen’s post) is my thought exactly. I have no doubt that this is what she’s wanting. You are being so strong even at your weakest moments.

    “You did nothing wrong. I think that SWMNBN is trying to make you mad. She is trying to hurt you so you will rage against her. It will make her feel better. Its classic, and totally unfair. She is trying to absolve herself of responsibility. If she convinces herself YOU are bad, YOU are lying, YOU are the problem, then it makes it that much easier to justify leaving you in the way she did. I agree with whomever told you to just cease to interact. Do not give her that pleasure. “-halfadozen

  10. I’m told that these are all normal things to feel when a relationship has ended. That doesn’t make them suck any less.

    I could regurgitate all kinds of things here that my counselor has told me but it looks like you are getting great advice from all of your friends and the people that love you.

    One thing I will say is – there are always two sides to every story. You know who you are and you know the truth. I was told that when I get upset about things other people say that I know aren’t true, it says more about me than it does about them. I try to hold on to that. Hubby will continue to tell his ‘version’ and I can’t stop it. I just have to hold on to what I know in my heart to be true.

    Stay strong. The fog will gradually lift and when it’s completely gone, you’ll be all “Holy heck! Look how bright the sun is!”

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