I am sitting in CLAD’s kitchen right now.

Sunday, Jenn decided to break the news to me that she has fallen out of love with me, and has feelings for another woman.

She could have done things so different.  So much better.  She could have left me.  She could have waited a few months to start dating.  Then we would all be friends.  Instead, when offered this she choose other woman.  I said “Please, choose Joni, Lyz, Chris, Avery, Delaney and I over other woman.”  She sad she had to think about it.  I thought we were important enough that there wouldn’t even be a question.  Apparently I was wrong.

I’m so lost right now.  I know it hasn’t quite hit me yet.  It did a little at 4am when I realized that Jenn and other woman were in my house together, probably in my bed together.  I am so confused.

I told Lyz this morning, after sleeping for the first time since I woke up Saturday morning (Jenn worked overnight on Saturday night, so I didn’t sleep since she wasn’t in bed with me) that I cannot tell the difference between reality and the nightmares. 

Then I realized it is because they are one and the same.


34 thoughts on “Lost

  1. My dearest, sweetest Heidi-
    Via the wonderful internet we have helped one another through CRAP before. This wont be any different. This sucks- I have been there as well and know the blur that is nightmare/reality. DOnt hesitate to contact me- know that friendships formed during pain can be some of the toughest. Let me continue to help and be your friend.

  2. Oh my goodness Heidi. I am so so profoundly sorry to hear this news. I’m just shocked and sick to think of it. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. I will be thinking of you.
    Hugs and love.

  3. Delurking to say I wish you the best and well, I am living proof that life does go on, even after somehting like this. I was where you are a few years ago, and could not find the light, just keep looking and if you need to hold out your hands, there are plenty outstretched ready to hold them- hugs to you.


  4. I’m so sorry to hear this. I usually lurk, too, but I’ll be thinking about you and sending you ((hugs)).

  5. Oh Heidi, my heart hurts for you. I am so sorry. Beyond sorry. I hope that you are enveloped by love right now, both IRL and URL. Thinking of you.

  6. Hi Heidi,

    I am so very sorry to hear this news. I am sending you lots of love and hugs from Canada. You are very lucky to have friends like CLAD the hold you through this. Keep your head held high, and always remember what a wonderful person you are, and how many people you make smile every day.
    You don’t deserve this, and I know it is hard to believe right now, but something amazing will come of this.

    I’m thinking of you. You have me on facebook, and can message me there if you want to vent.

    Love to you!

  7. Crap. I know that doesn’t go anywhere near far enough, but I don’t know who reads your blog and other expletives might not be appropriate. I have been there. It happened to me a couple of years ago. It got better for me– SOOOO much better. Even better than before. But you have to wade through a lot of mud first, and I know you’re probably in it up to your waist right now. I am so sorry. Sending you love and light.

  8. So sorry to hear this news. I can’t remember if I have commented on your blog before but I have been reading for a couple years now. I went through virtually the same things 4 1/2 years ago. It was devastating at the time, but you have true friends and you will get through this. It does get better, somehow, with a little bit of time.

    I am SO SO sorry, again…

  9. You are the best! And deserve the best. And you are going to get the best! Love ya girl!

  10. OhmygodHeidi. I was reading this thinking “wait..what is today? This isn’t a very funny April fools joke.” then I realized you weren’t kidding and I wanted to vomit.

    My dear Heidi…I don’t know what to say. I wish I were closer and could do something for you.

    Please know I am thinking of you and sending all of my love xxxooo

  11. Heidi – I am SO sorry! Like Sarah, I too thought this was some sort of joke, NOT a funny one, but I hoped it really was. I read it again and then realized you weren’t kidding.

    So very sorry…

  12. Like you, like many others here, I’ve been in a horrible situation very much like yours and I’m sure there’s nothing I can say that’s going to help right now – but I really, really, really wish I could. I wish there was SOMETHING that I could, you could, anyone could do right now to make your heart ache a little less and you feel as good as you should about yourself/your life.

    But all I can offer is sincere hope and wishes that you find your way back to happiness with all due speed. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

  13. I am so sorry. There are few things in the world as painful as a broken heart. I will be thinking of you as you make your way through this.

  14. Heidi
    My heart is breaking over here. I read this and started crying here in my cubicle. I am so sorry. I can’t think of enough words or enough ways to say it. I can only imagine what your world must look like right now. I am wrapping my arms around you from this side of the border…

  15. I’m so sorry to hear this, Heidi. Don’t ever feel like you need to ask/beg/convince someone to be with you – the right person will want to be with you just because you’re you. You’re beautiful, kind and hilarious and anyone would be lucky to have you.

    Big hugs and lots of love to you.

  16. Heidi, I send you my love. I believe in “karma”. I hope Jenn thinks this through. Hopefully she will come to her senses, because there is only one Heidi out there, and she will never be replaced.

  17. Oh, Heidi. I don’t even know where to begin. Please know that you are in my thoughts and I am just so sad to read this. (((hugs)))

  18. Oh, Heidi. I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel like I’m still in the nightmare and my drama has been going on for months.

    I know for myself, the words people have given me are comforting even if I don’t quite believe them yet.

    So I am going to tell you – you are strong, beautiful, resilient. You have a great family/friends in CLAD and you deserve all of the wonderful things the world has to offer. If Jenn can’t/won’t give them to you, then poop on her. You’ll find someone who will.

    Much love to you . . .

  19. Thinking of you Heidi…

    Love the new do! I can’t believe how long your hair was! Did you donate to locks of love?

  20. Oh dear, I’m so sorry to hear this. . . I just found your blog via another blog I read. I hope things get better and better for you.

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