Saturday night Lyz and I were talking because I had gotten a little mad. I haven’t really had a huge emotional outburst. Lyz told me that at some point the bottom is going to fall out.
I think it is starting to.
I’m sitting at my desk at work shaking. I can’t breathe. I feel paralyzed. I don’t know what to do.
If she walked in this door and said “Let’s run away. Leave everyone and everything behind.” I would. And yes, I know she won’t do this. She reminds me constantly how happy she is. How she isn’t alone.
I need her. I need her to breathe. I need her so much. I don’t know how to live without her. She is my everything. EVERYTHING.
And yet…I would never tell her any of this. I still want more than anything her happiness. I’m the mother in King Soloman’s story that would just give up the baby. I would never cut the baby in half.
We went together to visit a friend in the hospital the other night. We are trying to be friends. As she dropped me back off at CLAD’s I asked for a favor. I need a time for the two of us to talk. I need to understand what happened. I need to know how someone who said she loved me and promised to never hurt me could do so much damage to my heart and soul. I need this for closure.
Her cousin got a new set of lungs on Saturday night. Jenn was kind enough to text me this and keep me updated. After a bit I texted her and said “More than anything else this kills me. Not being able to hold u and tell u its ok. Not being able to see her.”
Her response? “U can c her…and im ok..im not alone”
Thank you for the reminder that you aren’t alone. But that doesn’t make me feel any better. No one knows how to take care of Jenn like I do. I’ve been there through the major moments of her life. I know how small the ledge is that she may fall off of if she isn’t watched. I know how to comfort her. How can this woman who she hardly knows properly take care of my Jenn? How can I know that Jenn is comforted?
How can she have done this to me? Why did I let this happen? Why was I never given a chance? She says she tried to tell me. Telling me that she missed Martha Stewart isn’t telling me that you are falling out of love with me.
I hurt. I physically hurt right now. Every inch of my body is screaming in pain. And still I know that the bottom hasn’t fully fallen out yet. There is a crack. Sand is leaking through, but I know that I haven’t even come close to feeling the amount of pain that I am going to feel.