Saturday night Lyz and I were talking because I had gotten a little mad. I haven’t really had a huge emotional outburst. Lyz told me that at some point the bottom is going to fall out.

I think it is starting to.

I’m sitting at my desk at work shaking. I can’t breathe. I feel paralyzed. I don’t know what to do.

If she walked in this door and said “Let’s run away. Leave everyone and everything behind.” I would. And yes, I know she won’t do this. She reminds me constantly how happy she is. How she isn’t alone.

I need her. I need her to breathe. I need her so much. I don’t know how to live without her. She is my everything. EVERYTHING.

And yet…I would never tell her any of this. I still want more than anything her happiness. I’m the mother in King Soloman’s story that would just give up the baby. I would never cut the baby in half.

We went together to visit a friend in the hospital the other night. We are trying to be friends. As she dropped me back off at CLAD’s I asked for a favor. I need a time for the two of us to talk. I need to understand what happened. I need to know how someone who said she loved me and promised to never hurt me could do so much damage to my heart and soul. I need this for closure.

Her cousin got a new set of lungs on Saturday night. Jenn was kind enough to text me this and keep me updated. After a bit I texted her and said “More than anything else this kills me. Not being able to hold u and tell u its ok. Not being able to see her.”

Her response? “U can c her…and im ok..im not alone”

Thank you for the reminder that you aren’t alone. But that doesn’t make me feel any better. No one knows how to take care of Jenn like I do. I’ve been there through the major moments of her life. I know how small the ledge is that she may fall off of if she isn’t watched. I know how to comfort her. How can this woman who she hardly knows properly take care of my Jenn? How can I know that Jenn is comforted?

How can she have done this to me? Why did I let this happen? Why was I never given a chance? She says she tried to tell me. Telling me that she missed Martha Stewart isn’t telling me that you are falling out of love with me.

I hurt. I physically hurt right now. Every inch of my body is screaming in pain. And still I know that the bottom hasn’t fully fallen out yet. There is a crack. Sand is leaking through, but I know that I haven’t even come close to feeling the amount of pain that I am going to feel.


15 thoughts on “Wham

  1. Oh honey I know how you feel….the same thing happen to me when I was married and I had two small children (3 & 6)..he just left me no reason why nothing….well of course he had some one else but what did I do or didn’t do? all he would say is I will always love you I’m not in love with you…….wtf….so I know how you are feeling…..just remember Jen as NOT dealt with this,……love you and I am thinking of you

  2. oh heidi…i wish i could scoop you up and take care of YOU for a few days.

    that text from jenn was so insensitive; like salt in a wound.

    i am so sorry you are hurting like this. i love you too & am thinking of you. i wish there was more i could do ((()))

  3. Heidi, I am still so sorry that all of this has happened to you. Again, I don’t know if I could try to be friends, as I think the hurt I’d feel would eclipse the attempt at good will… And, I don’t know if being friends is a good idea, anyway…? The comment about not being alone seemed almost hurtful to me. Why would she need to say that?

    I can totally get the idea of needing someone so much, and I can’t imagine how it would feel after such a long partnership to see it come to an end so abruptly. You deserve an explanation, time to talk and frankly, time to yell… While going through the “bottom falling out” is pure hell, once you get it over with, you’re on the way to healing.

    I think you should go to a thrift store and buy a bunch of old plates and just smash the living hell out them. Then, take the pieces and make something beautiful with Avery and Delaney; a mosaic of some sort. Yeah, cheesy symbolism, maybe but it’s done wonders for me before.

    Also, if this were me, I’d head right to my therapist… Do you have one? They’re WONDERFUL… I wish you lived nearby, because I’d take you to mine… I’m sure there are free/reduced services in your area…. NOT saying you’re to blame or ANYTHING is wrong with YOU, but sometimes talking is really helpful.

  4. I have learned, that even the best of reasons wouldn’t be enough. There would never be enough, there is only forward. I’m so sorry my friend. I wish you didn’t have to live this.

  5. If you ever need to talk or want a place to run away to for awhile, I’m here and an insomniac of epic proportions so please know that, even if it’s just to sit on the phone and hear another person breath or to scream or to talk about nothing or everything. I’m so sorry and I wish I could give you some insight into what would make her do this so suddenly or at all and to be so insensitive in how she speaks (texts) with you, but I don’t know that there is an explanation for this type of behavior. Something is obviously wrong with her and she’s obviously trying to run to something. Whether it has anything to do with you or not (and it probably doesn’t, honestly), you are the one that gets hurt the worst and that’s completely unfair and inexcusable and I’m sure she knows that too, so what can she say? She knows she’s wrong, whether she’s willing to actually admit that and face it or not, she knows it. I just wish you weren’t suffering the consequences of someone else’s issues. (((((hugs)))))

  6. I just read the comments here and I have to say, please read and reread Teaberry’s comment. She’s so right sweetie. You should go talk with a therapist. I know you have incredible friends and support, but talking with a stranger can be so healing. I also love her idea of breaking the plates. I’ve heard people say that before, but never the idea of then making something beautiful with them and I believe that she’s right. It might seem silly to do it at the time, but it will help. Nothing is going to make it all well immediately, but little things will slowly make it better.

  7. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine trying to be friends, either. I don’t think I’d be a big enough person. Maybe some space would be good.

    I love Teaberry’s idea of the plates. I think it would help be a physical manifestation of the emotional release you so dearly need.

    And my mom’s grief therapist was really good when she went through a really hard time with her sister, and though that’s a completely different situation, it’s similar too, in that you have to accept that the love was/is there, but that the horrible things that happened/are happening are, too. (of course, she had my mom having imaginary talks with her sister saying things like “I love you, but I really want to bash your head against the wall.” things like that.)

    I’m so sorry you’re hurting, I just still can’t believe she did this. I wish I could be up there and give you a giant hug.

  8. Teaberry is spot on. Mrs. G. makes crafts from broken pottery so you even have a source to tap. I really think you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. Love you, my friend.

  9. I don’t know Heidi….I think Jenn’s going to be coming crawling back to you. And I hope, it’s after you’ve gone through all the pain (although I know it will never truly go away) and you’re stronger and can tell her to FUCK OFF!! I am just so, so bitter towards her right now. I just can’t believe with all that you’ve done for her, she did this to you. I know you feel for Jenn right now with what she’s going through with her family member. You want to hold her and know how to take care of her. There’s no doubt in my mind that she needs you to do that right now, but…. you also are really, really hurting, and you need her. Where is she??? I can and I can’t believe that she said she’s not “alone”. Like you didn’t already know that?? I have no idea what you’re going through right now Heidi. But I do know you have so many people who love and care about you and want you to realize that you’re so much better off with this. Hopefully someday, you’ll come to realize that. I know it may be awhile, but I think it’ll happen. Although you could certainly do without the horrible comments from her! Has she no heart? I agree with HeatherBeth, she knows full well this is all on her, and she is trying to make herself feel better for it by being nasty to you. Please keep me updated. Either on here or through Lyz. We should all do dinner sometime….

  10. Oh Heidi.

    I feel like I know how you are feeling, even though it’s nearly impossible. B and I had a rbeak-up about 2.5 years into our relationship and you put into words how I was feeling then.

    I wanted more than anything for her to be happy. It was a dark, dark, time. We both ended up dating other people during that time (yet still living in the same bedroom…awkward). It was a time that I never want to relive.

    If you want to talk, you know how to reach me. I’d be happy to share more with you. (Just not here in a public forum).

    Hugs to you.

  11. It’s a testament to what a kind soul you are to be worried about who is taking care of Jenn and how. And the reminder from Jenn that she wasn’t alone? That was just AWFUL. And mean.

    I am so sorry for the way you are hurting. I’m sorry the bottom is starting to crack – but it has to. The bottom has to fall out so you can start grieving then you can start healing. And breaking stuff does help. Trust me.

    Everyday is different for me right now. Sometimes I’m sad, sometimes I’m angry, sometimes I know it’s for the best and I’ll be a better person for it in the end. Then I’m sad and angry again. My counselor says it’s different for everyone, but over time I’ll find that the grieving days are a little farther apart and a little less intense.

    Please do find a counselor if you don’t already have one. A good one is worth their weight in gold.

  12. Oh Heidi, I’m so sorry she’s ripping you heart apart. I know it’s the only thing you want, but I don’t think you can be there for her until you’ve figured out how to NOT be there for her and still be ok.

  13. One thing I learned at the end of my 20 year marriage is that building the life we had together was a process, so unbuilding it was going to be as well. I know it doesnt help to know that this is not totally unexpected but I hope I can help a bit by saying it will get better, eventually- slowly and yes, knowing they are with someone while you are alone is really the worst part, and whether or not they mean it, it hurts.

    Hugs to you. . .

  14. Oh, Heidi. I’d love to say I can’t believe how insensitive she was with her text, but from everything you’ve said, I can believe it. You’re a much better woman than me for being so forgiving and caring.

    You WILL get through this. It won’t be easy, but you’ll come out on the other side and look back at this time and know that you were the better person through all this. You were stronger than you ever thought you could be, and you will survive.

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