Have I mentioned I’m a moron??

Or maybe I am just a glutton for punishment. Who knows. Either way, I made a stupid move last night.

I went up to bed at 10pm to talk to K for a bit. We hung up around 11. I read, felt myself falling asleep so I turned off the light. Maybe I need to start sleeping with the light on. As soon as the light was off I started to feel the overwhelming sadness creep over me. Or maybe the alcohol I had tried to numb myself with earlier was finally wearing off. Again, Who knows.

So I did what any smart human being would do. I got up and decided to clean out my hope chest.

Dumb-ass move there Heidi.

Do you know what the majority of my hope chest is filled with? Wedding memorabilia. Yup. I lasted about 15 minutes. After about the third card I read that said “The two of you are meant to be together more than any two people I know” I started dry heaving. So I set the cards aside. Then I picked up a folder full of papers. Right on top was a copy of the wedding ceremony I spent weeks perfecting. Weeks of writing, rewriting, and fine tuning promises that we would make to each other. Promises to always support each other. To always be true to one another. To never forsake one another.

So I threw everything back into the hope chest. It is even less organized now that it was before. I crawled into bed and played Angry Birds for an hour until I was so far gone that I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

Somehow, I woke up this morning feeling okay. I know I kept my promises. I know that I gave her every ounce of love I had to give her. It may not have been enough, but I gave it. I did everything I could to keep my promises. I may not have been the perfect person she needed me to be, but I kept my promises. I still believe it is my fault that our marriage fell apart, don’t get me wrong. I should have done more than I could do. I’m not sure how, but I should have found a way.

I am still having a having a hard time releasing myself from my vows. I have been writing that post for weeks. I am having a very hard time going back on my vows. I made those promises with every intention to keep them for the rest of my life. I don’t make promises lightly. It is why I stayed with Jenn even when I didn’t want to. But again, that is another post.

For now, I’m going to enjoy my good day. I’m going to enjoy the fact that when I got home last night I felt loved and welcomed. I’m going to enjoy the fact that tomorrow I get to witness a very big step in Avery’s life…preschool graduation. Another promise kept.

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2 thoughts on “Have I mentioned I’m a moron??

  1. Funny how the best of intentions can sometimes change, isn’t it? As lousy as you are feeling, as sad as going through those momentos makes you feel, you can take all the blame for the demise of your marriage. It takes 2 to tango, kiddo, and it takes 2 to maintain a relatioship and help it to thrive. Even if you did the best of everything, were the perfect-in-every-way-possible wife, you can’t pull all the weight alone. Take it easy on yourself, and remember, 15 years don’t go away over night. So don’t feel too bad if it’s been 5 months and you’re still struggling. Every day will be just a little (even if it’s only a teeny, tiny bit) better. Big hugs 🙂

  2. Oh my gosh, I just realized that I misspelled above…it SHOULD have said:
    “you CAN’T take the blame for the demise of your relationship”

    Whoops!! 🙂

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