One of those days…

Where I don’t know how to feel. I went to bed early last night. I couldn’t hold myself together any longer. As I walked away Lyz asked “Are you going to bed now in the hopes that you will be asleep by midnight?” Yup.

I read for a little and actually fell asleep at 10:30. A new record for me. Sadly, I was back up at 11:30. I had a bad dream. I wouldn’t call it a nightmare, which I am thankful for. So many of my nights are filled with nightmares that simple bad dreams are a blessing.

I don’t know if I should feel happy or sad. Lost or finally found. Burdened or relieved.

I do miss her terribly. I miss her the person, not just our relationship. I wanted so much to still be friends with her, even after all of the hurt she gave me.

I’m so tired of feeling this way. I text her old number quite often. I know it is disconnected, and it wouldn’t really matter anyway because I have it blocked so I can’t even send it texts. I get a message back saying “The recipient you are sending to is in your block list. You have chosen to block all texts from (and to) this recipient). But it feels good to “send” her my thoughts. To send her the thoughts I would’ve shared with her if she was sitting next to me. Like on Sunday night I caught up on one of “our” favorite shows. There is a line in the theme song that I used to always sing and she would tease me if I was distracted and didn’t sing it to her. So I texted it to her. And I cried. I cried at the beginning of each of the 6 episodes that were sitting there on my DVR.

I sent her one on Saturday afternoon. I found a spot of anger. The text said “I really hate your ass right now.” I was sitting at Avery’s dance recital. Remembering the conversation Avery and I had the night before.

I’m so tired of the physical pain. I’m tired of the hole in my chest that burns. I’m so angry right now. No, not at Jenn. At me. I’m angry for trusting her. I’m angry for believing her. She used to always tell me “I will never be the one to walk away from this relationship. I will never leave you. It will be you leaving me.” I used to laugh and promise that I would never leave her. I still haven’t left her. She still owns my heart. That is why every time I move I feel it rip and tear. She is holding it.

But there are so many happy moments. Moments when I am relieved that she isn’t my wife anymore. Moments when I feel like I finally know who I am. I live for those moments. They seem to come when I am with the girls, or laughing with Lyz and Chris, or even talking to K. I am amazed by the way I feel when I am with K.

Lyz said the other day that she thinks I will someday begin to have deeper feelings for K. I really don’t think so, but K has totally opened my eyes to the way things should be. I have never felt so safe, cared for and appreciated as I do when I am with her. She anticipates my needs. When I saw her the other day she left me one of her shirts. I used to have to beg Jenn to do this. K just thought that since I had slept so well at her house, maybe having her shirt with me would help a little.

Maybe that is why my nightmares have been downgraded to bad dreams.

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5 thoughts on “One of those days…

  1. Love ya… I hope some day she stops being so angry with us… we didn’t leave, we didn’t make promises that we didn’t keep…. I will love her always she was my best friend and sister for so many years. we had such crazy times and at the strangest moments they pop into my head and I mourn her leaving all over. It does make me sad that the first person to “hurt” my children is someone that I voluntarily brought into their life… I trusted her with their lives and in less than 24 hours she gave them up without a second thought. Granted her blaming it on you and I helps her convince herself she isn’t a fault here. I have to believe that she did love you and I know she still does. But when she makes up her mind she sticks with it and it would take an act of God for her to admit she was wrong. LOL that is one of the reasons why we loved her so much =) Two words prove that point… Vietnam War … see I just gol’d thinking of those conversations.
    Sorry for rambling and taking up your blog Love you!!!

  2. Oh Heidi… I’m so sorry that you were hurt like that and even more so that your heart is still hurting so much. I think that it is normal and even a little healthy to go through all this after what you lost, but I wish so very much that it would hurry up so you could heal. You deserve all kinds of happiness and joy and love and sunshine and puppies and rainbows… and the end of the sad. We’re all rooting for you girl!

  3. (((hugs)))…it is a loss like a death and it will take a very long time for you all to heal!

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