It isn’t simply my pain

The other night Lyz and I were talking and I realized how much pain she must be in. I mean, I have never thought she wasn’t, but it really hit me that I am totally selfish and have been only focusing on how much my heart and soul are hurting.

She has to deal with all the pain threefold. First, as my best friend and sister, she has to watch as I am ripped apart by pain and guilt and other horrible emotions. She has to watch me hurt and feels each pain with me.

Second, she has to deal with the pain that her best friend and sister walked out on her. Someone who has been through most of the major moments of her life, held her hand through them, promised to always be there to hold her hand again and love her simply walked away from her. The day after the split she was found bawling in the laundry room, texting Jenn begging her not to do this. Please, my father choose the other woman over me, I cannot do this again. Choose me. Every so often Lyz tells me again that she still wants Jenn to choose her. (When we refer to Jenn in this way, we mean our Jenn, not the person she has become).

Thirdly she has to be the mother watching her children be sad. I cannot go into detail about this because it isn’t really my place. But as their Auntie I know it hurts, I cannot imagine how it feels to be their mother.

This isn’t simply my pain. So many people were hurt by this. We are all slowly healing, well, most of us are healing. I wish I could have spared my Lyz the pain. Spared everyone but me. I tried that day. I told Jenn that I would text Lyz and tell her it was all my fault, that I was cheating on Jenn, that I had ended it. I told Jenn that I would go away and let Jenn have everything she wanted. If I could have done it different at all I would not have moved in with CLAD. But I was selfish. I knew that in order to stay alive I needed to see Avery and Delaney’s faces constantly. I needed to know that they hold me accountable. That I could never hurt them more than they have already been hurt.

There are days where I want to just find Jenn and give her a list of how she could make things better. When I do try to give her hints she tells me she won’t be dictated to. No one is trying to dictate anything. All we want is to have her as a part of our lives, which she claims she wants too. To have her know that we all still love her and are all still here for her. But she simply won’t listen. She gets so angry when I try to talk to her. I wish I knew what was fueling the anger. I wish I knew…

Who am I kidding. I wish I knew anything.


2 thoughts on “It isn’t simply my pain

  1. Wow.

    In the midst of searing pain, you’re trying to take a broader view and recognize others’ pain. From my perspective, you are a true friend to everyone involved, even Jenn.

    Thinking about you and hoping that you are surrounded by support and love.

  2. Heidi Ann Swiss cheese- I could tell you that you should not worry about me and that what I am going through is inconsequential to what you are dealing with every second… But since I know you and I know that for at least as you were typing this out you probably didn’t feel that pain in your gut because you were focusing on me I won’t say anything… You are by far the most unselfish person this world has to offer. You ALWAYS put everyone else first almost to the point where I tell you not to.
    Thank-you for being you and for allowing my family to help you, but don’t be surprized by it because they are your family too and that is what families do.

    I am just as confused as you by the anger and bitterness that is coming from J… We have to keep telling ourselves that WE did nothing wrong- sometimes people turn things around and blame the victim just to make themselve feel better and I am pretty sure that is what she is doing here.

    And your right I do miss my Jenn, I miss my sister, I miss my friend that would laugh at my stupid jokes, but most of all I miss Heidi’s wife…. I love you

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