It is an interesting thing watching numbers go down on a scale. I see them. I know it is happening. Yet, sometimes I don’t really accept it. In fact, the vast majority of the time I don’t accept it at all.
Example: The week before Christmas I went out to buy Christmas Eve pajamas (by the way, the way Crush says pajamas is way too cute…she has a slight southern accent). I looked through the selection and found fun pink with black polka dotted ones. Then I sighed. They didn’t have my size. I reminded myself that I have lost weight and took a leap of faith, picking the next size down. When I got home that night I went to wrap them up. I thought to myself, what if they don’t fit?? Won’t I look like a fool on Christmas Eve with pajamas that are too small??
Um…quite the opposite. They were gigantic. Huge. I was swimming in them. To the point that on Christmas Eve (and again on New Year’s Eve) I had to have Lyz bunch them up in the back and held the pants on with a rubber band.
I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I have lost weight. Those numbers cannot lie. I cannot stand in a different position on the scale and have it change my weight by the amount that it has changed in the last year. That would be impossible. But my head just will not accept that I am no longer the size I once was.
When I went shopping a few weeks ago, I walked into the changing room with an armful of jeans in various sizes. I assume I am not the only girl who starts with the biggest size and then works my way down? I tried on the first pair. Huge. Second pair. Huge. Third pair. Huge. Smallest pair. Guess what, they were still too big. I went back out and came in with pants of a size I don’t remember ever wearing. And oh my heck, they fit!! I did a little happy dance right there in the teeny tiny dressing room.
It happened again this week. I grabbed a shirt out of the closet. A shirt I can remember throwing back into the closet a year ago, because I didn’t like how tight it looked. Um, yeah, I’m swimming in it. I look like a slob.
Then one night Lyz came home with a beautiful new wool coat. She had bought it because her old one was too big, and she needed one for the funeral. I mentioned that I was going to go find my wool coat and she just raised her eyebrows at me. My head said “what????” but I knew. Heidi, there is no way that coat is going to look good on you. She walked to the closet and got her old one out. I freaked out a little in my head because I totally did not want to try it on. There is no way I fit into Lyz’s old coat. She was always so much smaller than me. I took a deep breath and slid my arms into it…it fit. Oh my heck…it fit!! (I did end up going to find my old wool coat…it looked horrible.)
So, to the funeral, I wore Lyz’s old coat and Lyz’s old pants. I’m wearing Lyz’s old clothes people. In fact, some of Lyz’s old clothes are too big. I tried on a pair of shorts she had given me last June when they became to big for her. I had tried them on then, and I looked like sausage. Lyz has perfect legs. Mine, not so much. While I could button and zip them, there was no way I was ever going to be seen in public with my fat thighs all shoved in like that. But we leave for vacation soon…I need shorts. So I pulled them out of the summer tub and tried them on. THEY FIT!!! I showed Lyz, asking her opinion…do they look okay? Would you go out with me in public with these shorts on?? Yes!
I’m losing weight. I see the numbers go down. I see myself in clothing in sizes that I don’t remember ever wearing. Yet I still have a hard time accepting it. This isn’t a self esteem issue. I have more self esteem ever, yet it has nothing to do with weight loss. I simply know now that I am worth so much more than I used to be lead to believe I was. But I cannot wrap my head around wearing clothes in smaller sizes?? It is just weird. All of those times that I have said “This is the year that I will lose the weight” and now is finally the time.
I keep motivational phrases on my bathroom mirror. Avery teases me for it. Right now this picture is up there:
Avery asked for an explanation. When I told her that I keep putting things on the mirror to keep me motivated to stay healthy (we don’t talk about being thin or skinny or say that being overweight is bad, we simply tell Avery we are striving to be healthy people). A day or two later a new sign appeared on the mirror. It simply said Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go GO Heidi!!!!! Written in the beautiful script of a six year old.
Last week I added an article from People Magazine’s “I’ve lost half of myself” issue. This is my new goal. I want to be in People Magazine. I have already chosen my before picture. I have already written my “headline”. I will show up in this magazine my dear readers. I have no idea if I will be wearing baggy clothes because I still won’t have accepted that I’ve lost weight, but I will be there.