Have you ever had so much to say that when you sit in front of your blank blog page that you don’t even know where to begin or how to start talking about it? There is so much inside of me right now. So very much. I honestly can’t even begin to share it all. But here are a few things.
Good-I came clean to a blog friend last week exactly how things “went down” between Jenn and I. It felt good to get it out there. It is one of the many things poisoning me. I was such a moron. Not only did I not fight for us, I didn’t fight for myself, I just rolled over and played dead.
It is quite funny to me that Jenn gave me so much crap for what I did say about what happened. Had I actually shared the entire story of that day…nevermind. I do wonder what she tells people. If she was to tell the truth no one would ever even want to look at her. If someone told me that they did that to someone I would walk away from them. Someday, and possibly quite soon, I will share it all on a password protected post.
Good- I’ve spent my morning at work getting the CLAD+JH holiday calendar ready. As well as a list of dates and hours for us to go do all of those fun things that we always do around the holidays! I’m so excited! I feel really good about Christmas this year. I spent so much time this year worrying about how I would feel around the holidays. Wondering if I would want to just crawl into bed and hide. I told Lyz the other day that I was fearing that this Christmas would be worse than the Christmas after Blue passed, but so far, I’m great! There is already a Christmas tree in the lobby of The Hotel and it makes me smile to look at it. There is already Christmas music playing on the radio in my car and it doesn’t make me wince! I am looking forward to Christmas more than I have in a very long time!
Sad-There will be no Christmas tree lot this year, well, there will be, we just won’t be the ones staffing it. Without Delmar there to help us out, it would just be too hard. So the people we would get the trees from are running it and we will just stop out and work whenever we want. Then next year we will be better prepared to do it all ourselves.
Middle of the road-I’ve taken an interesting step with K. After several episodes of her being controlling, I had a huge blowout with her. She made the mistake of saying “You always choose them over me.” Yes, and I always will. They are my life support system. They are the air that I breathe. They are the blood in my veins. Without them I would not exist. Yes, I will ALWAYS choose them. They come first. I laid it all out in front of her. I cried through it all. She listened. She watched me. Halfway through my screaming tirade she grabbed my hand and started crying herself. I could see in her eyes she finally got it. I feel bad. For her, for any woman who ever enters my life. No one will ever be good enough to make me want to choose them. I realize that I would always even choose them over Jenn. I didn’t ask her to stay for me that night, I begged her to choose them over her new girlfriend. I knew that if Jenn let her move in that she would be saying goodbye to CLAD. I didn’t want them hurt.
Very good-I’ve lived with CLAD for over 10 months now. Yet still, every day, when I walk through the door, two little girls come running for me, screaming my name, and wrap their arms around me. It makes me smile. It warms my heart. It proves to me that I am important. I love them more than anything. With their mom and dad coming in at a close second.