A different kind of two week wait

Jenn spent some time yesterday over at the farm helping Chris getting things set-up for the Christmas tree farm! It opens in two weeks. If I thought that all Chris could think or talk about two months ago was the tree stand…he has put his past records to shame. It is way too cute.

The focused on getting the racks up:

and hanging the lights:

I’m very excited for the tree stand to open. While I am the person who will be there the least, as I will be working, I am still excited to be there and help out! If you are in our area, or feeling like a drive, please come and buy your trees from us!! Think how special you will be…buying a tree from the famous CLAD!! Delaney can even show you her new moves…she’s walking now you know.

Questions Answered part 3 (final part??)

Meredith asked: When you were growing up, what was the one thing that you always told yourself you would never do when one day you were a parent?

I actually recently learned that you should NEVER say that you aren’t going to do something when you are a parent. Because once you actually become one, all the rules change. I will say that I have promised myself that when I do have children, I will do my best to stop at the silly roadside attractions that my kids want to stop at. I used to drive my parents insane on trips to northern Michigan wanting to stop in Shell City. My mom just recently drove that trip and left me a voicemail saying she was driving past it and thinking of me!!

btmommy asked: When you were a kid (well maybe a teenager), did you have posters of celebrities on your bedroom wall? And if you did, who were they? What movie star/TV star/singer/musician did you REALLY LOVE when crushes on celebrities were a very real thing?

Hmmmm…I can’t really say I was a huge TigerBeat reader or anything. I did have a serious crush on Christan Slater, Dugan Fife (A University of Michigan Basketball Player), and Jeremy London. My walls were more filled with magazine clippings of great phrases I wanted to remember, posters of The Phantom of the Opera, and a keychain chain!! I wish I could find the two homemade posters I had with clippings and pictures and whatnots. I’m gonna have to dig through my hopechest and see if they are still in there to share!!

halfdozen says:
I love asking questions, and reading them too! I have been reading you for a while (and love your writing, your stories etc…), and have wanted to fill in some of the blanks, things I may have missed over time… My questions:
1) What’s your (as in you and jen) meeting story? When? Where? How?
2) Are you related to any members of CLAD? How?
3)What is your favorite book of all times? (or say, one of your favorites)
4)What did you want to be when you grew up (as a kid)? Is that what you are doing now?

1-Jenn and I met in September of 1995. I was standing in my college apartment throwing a fit because my roommates were all serious goody-goodies. Now, prior to meeting them I thought I was one heck of a goody-goody. But no…these girls put me to shame. They bored me. While I was throwing this hissy Jenn walked by our apartment window. I pointed up and said “I want to be friends with her. You all are NO fun.” Of course, being as shy as I am I did nothing about that. A few days later Jenn stopped by the apartment to see if any of us wanted to sign up to play powderpuff football. I took my chance and signed up. The next day Jenn stopped by to see if I wanted to go up to the school and pick up the equipment with her before practice. Sure thing!! Get me the heck out of this room with these crazies that think PG movies are bad. A week or two later after several long talks about our lives before college and problems she was having with a friend of hers, she stopped by the apartment to see if I wanted to go to a movie in Boise. See, the movie theater in Rexburg they had been playing While You Were Sleeping for a month straight. I jumped at the opportunity! I ran to my room to get my coat…and Jenn asked my roommate what my name was. Friends for weeks and she didn’t even know my name. From that point on Jenn and I were pretty inseparable. It was a long time before it turned into more than a friendship, but we both knew that life would never be the same without the other.

2-There is no blood relation between any member of CLAD, or CLAD’s family to either Jenn or I. Jenn met Lyz and Chris when they were all working at the Sports Authority back in 1998?? I think?

3-My favorite book of all time is…um…seriously?? I have to choose one? Okay, we will go with Stephen King’s The Stand.

4-When I was growing up I wanted to be a mommy. If I was going to be forced to work outside of the home I wanted to be a German teacher. I am currently the Group Sales Manager for a hotel in Lancaster, PA. No, it isn’t what I said I wanted to be, but I love it even more than I think I would have loved being a German teacher. Not as much as I would love to be a mommy! I first started working in hotels in 1997 when I moved to Pennsylvania. It was love at first work. I haven’t left the industry since. If I was to ever leave The Hotel, it would be to be a travel agent. But Rodney has me contracted in for a million years, or until death do us part. And has promised me a trip to Austria for my 20th anniversary (in 2018) so I have no plans on ever leaving!

If anyone still has any questions, feel free to ask away! You can email them and tell me you want to be anonymous too if you so please.

xxoo

Questions Answered Part 2

Jamie asks:

I was thinking about your last posts and wondering how much you have researched adoption.  It is something you are going to aggressively pursue?  How soon?  I don’t mean to come across as intrusive, but I think you guys would be such great parents.  I can’t wait to hear the news.

You can’t come across as intrusive if I told you to ask the questions silly!!  Adoption.  I’d say we have come a long way.  About 6 months ago that was known as the A word.  You weren’t allowed to bring it up around me unless I brought it up first.  If you did, I broke down in hysterics.  It made me feel like a failure.  Now, I am honestly quite close to really doing something about it.  How much research have we done?  Enough to know what agency we plan on going with, and that we think we will do foster to adopt.  I think we are going to aim for a toddler.  Partly because I don’t want to wait a million years for an infant, and partly because I don’t want the CLAD kids to be too much older than ours!!  Weird reasons right?  But remember back in the day when you were planning on getting pregnant and you thought “Well I will get pregnant in August and have a late spring baby.  Nope, doesn’t work.  Neither does anything else!!  So, we plan on really going with the flow.  Thank you for thinking that we will be great parents!  A month or so ago Chris pulled Jenn aside and Lyz pulled me aside without talking to each other.  They both gave us separately a “lecture” on how no matter what, even if they have to do all the paperwork for adoption for us, we will be parents because we are just totally meant to be parents.  It is a wonderful feeling to know that so many people out there are cheering you on!!
Question 2 – your Feb trip to Florida is for Daytona, right?  NASCAR?  I think I remember you saying that once.  If so, who is your favorite driver and why?  Do you and Jenn have the same favorites?  Our Florida trips started a million years ago when Joni lived there.  Now, Joni’s mom (Grannie Frannie) still lives down there, in Daytona Beach Shores, so we visit her while we are down there.  And yes, our visit is always timed with the Daytona 500.  Chris and Jenn will go to the 500 this year, Jenn and I have been tossing around the idea of going to the Bud Shootouts, or whatever they are called now.  We love NASCAR.  I started liking way back when my brother and I would argue over what to watch when we got home from church.  He made me finally pick a driver and then I started liking it!!  My first driver was Ernie Irvan.  Now I am a duel fan…Elliott Sadler and Kyle Busch.  I am a Kyle fan just to drive those around me crazy.  Jenn is a Dale Jr. fan and has been since his father passed.  I can’t wait until February to get my buns back down in Florida!!

Questions Answered-Part 1

Question #1

Heidi,

I feel like this is a really intrusive question, but I was wondering if you (or you and Jenn) have ever gone to counseling for your infertiltiy issues and if you have found it helpful at all. We’re coming up on 4 years of ttc and I am really thinking I need some help. I am just realizing how this has permeated every single aspect of my life and I have become so unhappy and bitter.

Sorry for the betatt*. I always think of you as being so positive and having such a great attitude and I want to be like that too.

(this is rebecca from the nob, btw.  Hee!)

Answer#1

Aww shucks Rebecca!!  Rebecca is a wonderful woman who belongs to my online community.  We used to be part of a great little ttc board until there were only like 5 of us (out of ~800) that still don’t have children.

Positive and a great attitude huh??  Jenn is totally laughing over that one right now.  Just kidding.  I’ve been getting better at the whole being positive and having a good attitude bit.  And the reason for that is kinda the same as the answer to your question.

Have Jenn and/or I ever seen someone about our infertility…no.  We did go to a support group once for women who had lost children, and it didn’t really do much for us.  The number one reason I have not started going to a therapist is because I am surrounded by a wonderful support system.  Jenn, of course.  Lyz and Chris and Joni are totally awesome!!  Yes, even Chris.

But beyond the people who I see in real life all the time, there are all the wonderful bloggers out there.  I know that I am not alone.  Do you blog Rebecca??  Even if you don’t, I totally recommend that you head over to Mel’s place.  Mel is totally AWESOME.  While you are there check out two things.  First: The totally awesome LIST OF BLOGS.  In that list you will be able to find other women/couples going through exactly your situation.  If you can’t find someone, than submit a query to #2: Lost and Found and Connections Abound.  Here everyone submits news to be cheered on, or so that everyone can go sit and hold hands with someone who is hurting.

Mel and company is a huge reason why I haven’t needed to see someone.  I know that there are people out there going through the same thing…and LIVING THROUGH IT.  This isn’t to say that there won’t be a time that I might need to seek additional help, but they are the reason I am semi-sane for now.

If you do want to see someone…do not hesitate!  But I do suggest that you find someone that has a good background in infertility.  I have heard stories of women just going to your average run-of-the-mill therapist and coming home feeling worse.  I don’t want that to happen to you!!

I am so sorry that I have to give you this advice.  I’d much rather give you the key to getting a child to go home with you.  Hmmm…that sounds kinda pedophileish, but you know what I mean.  We will get to the end of this road someday and somehow, that I can promise.  And I will always be at the other end of the email should you need to talk.  I’m always happy to pass on my cell phone number too :)

big warm hugs Rebecca.

 

*betatt-Bringing every thread around to themselves.  You know, when you are posting a pity party and some witch comes along with a story three times worse than you ALL THE TIME.  Witches.

Mingo Monday

Betcha thought I forgot right?? I didn’t. It is just really REALLY hard to decide how to split up your flamingo collection. I have to take some to my office. It was very weird to decide which ones could leave the flock. Now yes, it isn’t like I am giving them away, they are going to the other place I live, ya know, The Hotel.

But it felt very weird. Yes, I will spend more time in my office than I will in the flamingo room, but it feels like banishing them off somewhere. I spent forever in my room picking them up, putting them down. Trying to decide which ones were office appropriate.

So…here is what I choose.

We’ve got a flamingo french bulletin board, a flamingo frame (with a picture of Jenn and Minne), a flamingo windchime, a flamingo snowglobe, a flexible flamingo (to put on my computer screen), and a sitting flamingo that will go on top of one of my filing cabinets.

I still have a few more flamingo frames that need to be filled with my family, and with CLAD+J. Once my office is totally situated I will take pictures and brag about it all here!!!!

I am thankful for…

While we don’t celebrate that day after Wednesday this month, I do not want to come across as unthankful.  While at Jenn’s Mom-mom’s (grandma) church spaghetti dinner yesterday, several family members said “See you at Thanksgiving”  No, we don’t celebrate/believe in that holiday.  But, I do want it known that I am very thankful for a lot of the things in my life.

Today I am going to be thankful for…My birth family. That makes it sound weird…my blood family?? Oh forget it, I am thankful for my HopOnPop, MummyDearest and SmallFry.

Here is my mom and dad:

And Marshall:

I don’t talk about them enough. They rock…did you know that? We’ve had our rough patches, I think every teenage girl does, right? But they have been there for me through think and thin.

My mom and I had always had a very very rough relationship. We never got along from my teenage angst years until recently. I was telling Jenn the other night that all of that is officially in my past. Since my mom’s mom passed, I have called her at least once a week. Before that I would call as little as possible. This weekly phone call has totally helped rebuild our relationship. I am thankful that we have one now. I know that I can talk to her about things that I never would have opened up to her about before. I call her MummyDearest because of the cartoon of the Pound Puppies…the spoiled little girl would always whine (which I am the QUEEN of whining) “MummyDearest…I don’t like those icky-poo puppies.”

My dad and I have always had a pretty darn good relationship. I am totally a daddy’s girl!! He was always one to lay on the floor and let me and my friends use him as a Pig Pong net. He taught me wrestling moves, and how to make my aunt pee her pants. He used to require me to have the book Hop On Pop if I wanted to hop on him. It always seemed to go missing though…I have often wondered if I lost it, or if he made it take a vacation!!

Then there is Marshall. When he was born I was most certain that he had ruined my life. I was the only grandchild (in the area) until he came around. That was almost 9 years of being severely spoiled!! I only remember trying to sell him once. But that little boy loved me through and through. He called me “My Heidi” or “My Heiden Lee” I used to be able to hear him screaming for me the whole way down the block when I left for school in the morning. After I moved to Pennsylvania we grew apart for a bit. While we have gotten closer, thanks mostly to facebook, I do wish we were closer still. I think Marshall and Jenn talk 20 times as much as Marshall and I do. Although I must say, seeing my Bejeweled Blitz score be above his this week has totally made my life. It will never happen again. The kid is better than me at everything!!!

So that is the family I was raised from. Over the upcoming weeks I shall be focusing on other things for which I am thankful. No, I don’t celebrate that special holiday that tells you to be thankful for things, but I am thankful. Who needs a holiday anywho?!?!

In other news…

I got a new job!! Kinda. I mean I’ve been doing most of it for a while. But now it is officially my job! I got an office and everything! An office. Wow.

My job used to be “Front Desk Supervisor”, or that is what my business card said. But that never really fully encompassed all of my responsibilities. I work at the desk, and I kinda tell everyone what to do. (They rarely listen, and typically just get attitude when I correct them, so I mostly just tattle and make Rodney put it in the weekly memo.) Hi Front Desk Clerks!! I’m sure they read this, they are all facebook friends of mine hehehe.

My other responsibilities: Guest relations, traffic controller, human mapquest, weather reporter, tour planner, complaints department, chief brown-noser, Rodney’s assistant (I can think of other titles for this particular area of my job), computer seat warmer, oh who am I kidding…this list could go on for hours and pages and I’d never remember all of my many titles. Rodney once joked that the reason I don’t wear my name tag is that even my big boobs couldn’t hold up the weight of all of my titles.

Now I also get to do group sales. I was doing some before, taking new groups or people who didn’t want to work with the old group sales director.  It always made me nervous, like I was going to screw something up.  Now I can have everything organized the way I want it, so I know that I am doing all of the right steps and giving great customer service!!

I think I have most of my office organized now. All that is left is to decorate!! I need to get some flamingos in there. And some pictures too. I think I will spend a little bit of time this afternoon browsing the bazillions of pictures I have on flickr for a few to print out and frame.  And of course more flamingos.  I’ll have to go through my collection of mingos and see which ones will be most welcome in the office.  None will be welcome by Rodney, but oh-well.

I’m excited.  It feels good to finally go up after 11.5 years here.  The Hotel is a wonderful place to work, and I don’t think I will ever leave it, so it feels especially good to know that my boss likes me too!!  (not that I didn’t already know that, they don’t call me boss’s pet for nothing ya know.)

We will not be renaming Friendly Hotel Front Desk Clerk, because at the heart of all of her jobs, it really boils down to the most important job of them all, being FHFDC.  Right?

Open Book

When I decided to try NaBloPoMo again, I thought this would be a fun month of posting about the two week wait, and hopefully a pregnancy. I even had the title of my pregnancy announcement post all ready, see how much hope I had??

Now there will be none of that.    IF we do try another cycle, it won’t be until after Florida in February. I don’t want to spend the holidays in tww hell, or Florida depressed because we are, yet again, not pregnant.

So…I need to enlist your help. I’ve seen lots and lots of bloggers opening themselves up to questions. So ask away!! You can ask Jenn anything you want too… I will make her answer. All questions will be answered. If I think one is a little private, I will password protect the post (just email me for the password). But they will all be answered truthfully and fully. I am very much an open book.

Whatcha got for me?

 

Maybe it was never hope…

Cycle day 2. How the hell did that happen??

In all the trials and tribulations of TTCing, I was always good at two things. Progesterone and a good long luteal phase. I rocked them out! I always had a progesterone level in the 30’s on 7dpo. I always had an lp of 14-15 days. I even used some leftover pio shots this cycle just to be sure that all was well. Nope.

I shouldn’t have let yesterday’s post happen. I had written it Tuesday evening. Late that night I went to the bathroom and found spotting. I let myself get all excited…hopeful. Around 3am I went to the bathroom to find full red bleeding. But, to be honest, I wanted to hear happy thoughts. I wanted to read good comments of hope and positivity and ya know, rainbows and unicorns. So I let it post. I’m sorry for the semi-trickery.

Maybe it was never hope that I had in my heart, but denial. Denial of the fact that my body just isn’t going to be the body that makes my dreams come true. Denial of that which I spent my whole life thinking was just a given. Women get pregnant…they have babies…they go on. I am going on. Where am I going? I certainly don’t know.

Crazy is certainly an option.

8dpo

This was supposed to be another month of not trying. It just seems silly to spend all that money on swimmers when it just doesn’t seemed destined to work out. We had decided to just forget me ever being and staying pregnant and move our hearts forward towards adoption. I had started the mourning process in my heart. I will never give birth to a child that takes even one breath, and that is okay because we will try for adoption, and even if that fails I know that we are great aunties to Avery and Delaney.

Then, the strangest thing happened. Out of the sky fell a Known Donor. It was an opportunity that we just couldn’t pass up. It has been a complete shot in the dark. I didn’t want to be to open and upfront about it here because, as usual, I have no faith what-so-ever that this is going to work. I did add it to the TTC Timeline page, so that I wouldn’t feel like a blatant liar.

But, now that I am 8dpo…those little sparks of hope have started to flicker. Maybe this could have worked? Maybe we will get pregnant??? Maybe, just maybe, we could stay pregnant for the prescribed 40 weeks? No, I still don’t have much hope of it. But I’m totally okay with that, because, as I mentioned it above, I’ve already mourned the idea of pregnancy. If it actually does happen…BONUS!!!

In our house there are no tests that I am willing to pee on. Yes, there are two digitals in a never opened box…but I hate seeing the words NOT PREGNANT, so they would never be used unless I was already sure I am pregnant. And there is a baggie with about 30 of those crappy internet cheapies…but they give Jenn positives, so I refuse to use them and get my hopes up. So…it will be awhile before I actually test.

I’m feeling rather okay with whatever result may come our way. KD is totally willing to try again, but I’m not sure that Jenn and I are. I think (I’m not 100% sure) that this is it. The last try. Unless Jenn gets some awesome job that covers IVF or something.

Maybe I should start petitioning CLAD to include infertility insurance for their employees at the tree farm?