Wow. Five years. Early in the morning on New Year’s day is when it hit me that I lost you five years ago. Five years seems like such a big number. I cried.
Aunt Lyz and I stood on the front porch yesterday and discussed how five years just seems so weird, it can’t be five years. It just cannot be.
While I was making your cake, Avery came over, picked up your candle (the one that is shaped like a 5) and asked how old you are. I smiled and she said, “Oh 5, was I alive then?” I helped her figure out how old she was when you were born. Delaney ran over to talk about you too. “What Blue look like?” A baby. “No, he’s five. He don’t look like a baby!!” I don’t know, I never have known how to answer that question. I picture blue eyes, brown hair, freckles.
You are still so important to everyone. Please don’t ever think that as time passes anyone has forgotten you. In fact, as mommy’s boss was making the schedule for this week, he even looked up at me and said “I assume you need the 11th off for your son’s birthday?” See, never forgotten. Believe me, I won’t let anyone forget.
As soon as it gets dark each night, I look for you in the sky. Now that you have your own star, I feel you there even more.
We had your cake and blew out your candles last night. It was your cousin Beckett’s first birthday party for you! He has helped heal me in ways I cannot even begin to describe. The very first time I held him I asked about you, asked if you had played together. He looked right into my eyes and then reached for me. He answered my question. Then, for the longest time he would never look at me. He would look just over my right shoulder and laugh. I know that was you there, sitting with me, making faces at Beckett. How I love you.
Uncle Chris, Aunt Lyz, Bamm, Avery, Delaney, Beckett, Sarah, Outhai, Gina and I sang to you, and the girls blew out your candles. Some of the most important people in my world, all there for you.
Happy 5th Birthday, Blue. I may have never held you in my arms, but I held you for your whole life, and will continue to hold you, in my heart, until the day I do get to hold you in my arms.
I love you,