Very rarely do I ever really think about being a bitter infertile. It just isn’t on my radar anymore. There is so much good in my life, I just don’t have time to focus on the parts of life that I’m not as fond of.
Sometimes though, it sneaks in. And once it does, I’m stuck there for a bit. I went there Saturday night. In the crisper drawer of CLAD’s fridge, sits a box of drugs. A box that was given to me by an angel. A box that I once thought held the key to my future. It was one of the first things I grabbed when we went to take my things out of my old home. It was top on Lyz’s and mine’s list of things that will not get forgotten.
Every so often I see the box. I know it is there, and it has never really bothered me. I’ve thought many times about throwing it away, but couldn’t make myself do it. I know that throwing that box away means nothing, afterall, the drugs expired many years ago. But it just isn’t something I could do.
Lyz asked what we should do about the box. Should we throw it away? I looked at her for a moment, and knew that was what I needed, someone else to throw it away. Yes, wait a few days and just do it, please.
I was fine. At first. Then my eyes filled with tears. I sat down with my book and pretended to read. Casually wiping my eyes every so often. I finally got wrapped up in my book and the thought went away.
Did you hear that? The thought went away. I’m okay. That just wasn’t the box. Although the box came with the perfect backstory, although the box was once my key, my ticket to motherhood, I’m okay that the box never fulfilled my wishes for it.
And that fact almost bothers me more.
I’m not saying that a child isn’t in my future, I still very much believe there will be a child, or children, down the road for me. But I am so comfortable knowing that a child was not brought into my marriage. This future child will come into a home where it is loved UNCONDITIONALLY. And that box of drugs expired before that was possible.
When I get home tonight, I am going to open the crisper drawer. If Lyz hasn’t already thrown away the box, I’m going to do it myself.