A year ago today

Jenn and Pug brought me breakfast at work.  They had worked an overnight shift together.  Maybe.  Or maybe they were in a hotel having sex, who knows.  Jenn asked if I minded if Pug stayed at the house for a bit to meet Muffin, Lyz and Chris were dropping Muffin off on their way for an all day ski trip.  Of course she can stay.  Jenn responds with “What do you bet Lyz complains that Pug is here”, I laughed.

I get a text from Lyz, did you know Pug is at your house?  Yes, its okay, I’m not worried.  Jenn promises there is nothing going on between them, I trust her.

I text Jenn, laughing about Lyz’s worry.  Jenn becomes irate with me.  Telling me I need to walk away from Lyz.  That all we care about is making Jenn look like the bad guy.  I tell her to calm down.  She continues to scream at me.  I tell her she has been so angry and miserable lately, do we maybe need to go to counseling?  I jokingly ask if we need to separate?  She calmly tells me that if we separate she will never return.  I start to panic.

Hours later we are still bickering, mostly via text.  All the sudden it occurs to me that Pug is still at the house.  I text “What the fuck is she still doing there?  Both of you get the fuck out of my house.”  I leave work.  I go down to the basement.  I cannot deal with this.  I’ve gone numb.  (I realize now this was probably her plan, make me the one who calls it all off.)

I call her and ask her to come home and talk to me.  Talk this through with me.  She is at her parents house with Pug.  I shudder, but remind myself that above all Jenn has promised me that nothing is going on between her and Pug.  She screams at me that she is never coming back, that SHE IS DONE.  But then says she will come back and we will talk.

Twenty minutes later they both walk through the door.  I ask Pug to leave, she refuses.  Swears she is never leaving Jenn in the house with me.  Jenn doesn’t ask her to leave.  Pug goes upstairs to our bedroom while Jenn and I talk.  Pug posts on facebook “I now know what it is like to be a fly on the wall.”

Jenn and I talk things through.  Decide we will go to counseling, we will try and improve Jenn’s mood.  She knows something isn’t right inside of her.  She apologizes profusely for all of the days happenings.  She asks me if I want a slushy, sure.  She calls Pug downstairs and they leave to go get a bite to eat.  Yes, I still think all will be fine.  Yes, I let them walk out of the house together.

A half an hour later Jenn comes back, with neither Pug, or a slushy.  She sits with me on the couch and tells me she has a confession to make.  She has started to grow feelings for Pug.  She just realized this when they went to get food.  She is not in love with me.  I had thought I was numb before.  Now I have lost all emotions and can no longer feel any piece of my body.  I look over at her and say “Well, then I hope you are both very happy together.”  Her face grows angry and she yells at me for not wanting to fight for her.  I’m too tired to fight.  I’ve been fighting for you for months.  Trying to keep our family together as you’ve pushed everyone away.

Things go very blurry here for a bit.  I know that in my head I wanted to make everything perfect for Jenn.  I ended up calling Pug and asking her if she has feelings for Jenn.  She answered that she loved Jenn with all of her heart, she is in love with Jenn.

I remember freaking out.  I remember crying and begging Jenn to choose CLAD.  I remember calling Pug again and asking her how she felt about polygamy.

I remember telling her I would take all of the blame and disappear.  I would text Lyz and say that I was having an affair.  I would leave.  No one would need to know it was Jenn.  She could keep everyone.  I remember even picking up my phone to start the text, Jenn took the phone and threw it.

I remember telling her I had to leave.  She told me she didn’t want me to leave because she was worried I would do something to harm myself.  I told her she didn’t need to worry, I would never do such a thing in CLAD’s home.  I remember putting my hand on the banister to walk upstairs and turning to her and saying “You realize that you will lose us all by making this choice.  You know how Lyz feels about these things.  Please choose them, I don’t care about me, choose them.” She looked at me and said she made her choice.  I asked “You really choose Pug over Avery and Delaney”.  Yes.  I took my pillow, my meds, Blue Bear.  I wasn’t even wearing a bra.  I went back downstairs and put my coat on.  I picked up the car keys.

She looked at me and said “We are going to have to discuss money.” I told her to call Chris in a couple of days, I couldn’t think about such things right now.  She ripped the keys out of my hand, cutting my finger open.  Told me that I needed to think about that stuff right now, this was over.  I again said, I’m sorry, it isn’t something I can wrap my head around right now.  She informed me that she would keep both cars, they are in her name after all.  Go get in the car, I will drive you myself.

I said nothing on the drive over.  I lit a cigarette.  She yelled at me for not lighting her one.  She pulled into their driveway and I got out of the car.  I didn’t say goodbye.  She did.  I didn’t look back.  I walked right to the garage door, with Muffin in my arms, and went inside.  I went straight up to Chris’s blackout room and crawled into the bed.  I didn’t cry.  I guess I breathed.

I remember getting a text from Danielle or JLynn (how I separate between the eighty million Jenn’s in my life) asking if I was okay.  Jenn is gone.  She’s in love with someone else.  A while later I got a text from Danielle asking where I was.  CLAD’s.  Let me talk to Lyz.  She isn’t here.  Are you alone?  Yes.

A bit later another text, turn on a light.  I can’t, you wouldn’t see it.  I’m in the dark room.  Then come to the door, Jlynn is there, we want to make sure you are okay.

Jlynn came in, I asked her to take me back to the house.  She did.  I texted Jenn to make sure she was ok.  Pug was there, so I knew she was, but I just wanted to be sure.  She wrote back telling me she was sleeping.  With the light on??  She wrote back telling me I was a crazy stalker.  I asked Jlynn to take me home.  I will also admit that I asked Jlynn if she had a knife, for a moment I wanted to slash her tires.

I wanted to be alone, but was told not until Chris and Lyz come home.  I called Joni with my best fake voice and asked if she knew when they were coming to pick up the girls.  In an hour or so.  I convinced Jlynn to leave.

I texted Lyz’s personal phone, knowing she would have left it in the car.  I didn’t want to disturb her fun day, knowing that life was about to get crazy.  I simply said “I brought Muffin back to your house”

An hour or so later I got a text back “Thanks, you didn’t have to do that!”  Followed shortly by “Are you ok?” I wrote back asking if I could spend the night in the spare room.  She called.  I gave her the brief story.  Jenn is gone.  Its over.  You were right.  Pug is an issue.  We will be right home.  She asked how I got there…Jenn brought me, she is keeping both cars.  Chris stopped at the house on their way home.  Jenn refused to answer the door.  He called her, she didn’t answer the phone.  He said you have five minutes to come to the door or it is over between us.  I’m not picking sides unless you give me a reason to.  She never responded. She swears she was sleeping and just didn’t hear.  The dog was barking.  The lights were all on downstairs.  None of us believe her.  None of us have any reason to believe her.  (In the days following I told her to call Chris, say you’re sorry, she refused, he would’ve forgiven her, her loss.)

Lyz texted their location every 15 seconds.  When they were at the closest light I removed myself from the bed again and went to meet them on the front porch.  Two sets of arms held me.

Jenn begged Lyz and I to come over and talk.  Lyz told her we weren’t coming unless Pug was gone.  Jenn told Pug that we demanded to come over.  Nice way to start a relationship, lying to your new woman.  We talked for a bit.  Lyz tried to get Jenn to see something, anything.  Jenn refused.  I got nasty at times, I think the numbness had worn off for a bit.  I remember Jenn asking me what I wanted to happen.  I looked up at a picture of her, Minne, Igan and I and I said “I want that.”  I wanted to know how much of my life was a lie.  Had any of it been real to her?  She was able to throw it all away so easily.

We went back home.  I crawled into the bed.  I remember hearing Chris get up to go get the girls.  I thought Lyz was sleeping.  That is when the tears came.  Great huge tears and gasping and moaning and body shaking sobs started to wrack through my whole body.  Within moments there were arms around me and another body was shaking with sobs too.

What I don’t understand still, is why all the lies??  Why did she feel the need to insist over and over again that she had just realized that day her feelings for Pug?  Why not just be truthful.  Jenn was having an affair.  Pug admitted it, in fact she admitted it happily to Lyz in a delightful email: “Jen has been coming back for more since September so I MUST be doing something right, I mean heck she has been getting me all over Lancaster County whenever possible, even on that nice comfy sectional sofa of yours”  (Note that she can’t even spell Jenn correctly.)

I’ve never in my life felt so betrayed.  So unloved.  So worthless.  I’ve never been in so much physical pain.  A year later I still cannot believe that she hurt me so thoroughly.   A year later I can only hope that this day, January 16, 2011, will be the worst day of my life.  The day where I felt the worst.  The day where I was at my lowest.  I also will always hope that I see that day as I see it now, as the day my life started over.  As the day someone hit the reset button so that I could go on to find happier things.

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7 thoughts on “A year ago today

  1. And, on this January 16th, look at all the awesomeness, all the love and all the wonder that you have rediscovered in life. Reading this, the pain from a year ago is very real and tangible and I am so very sorry for all you experienced at the hands of someone so selfish and uncaring. Yet look at all you have now, and at her loss. I think it is safe to say that you, my friend, came out on top….and I doubt very much if the other involved parties can say anything remotely the same.

    Heidi, today I raise my glass (of water) to you and toast you for being such a strong, forward thinking, compassionate, self-loving, self-respecting woman. Anyone who reads this blog knows that you have been through hell and back this year, but every.single.one.of.us. applauds you for all the amazing things you have accomplished for yourself this year. I wish you a 2012 that is full of more happiness than you can imagine and finds you surrounded by love, every day. That, you deserve. xoxo

  2. Well, sumbitch. That’s Texan for sonofabitch. I said it before, but I’ll say it again. She could have/ should have handled this so much differently. Pretty chicken shit. She never could have lived up to the woman you’re supposed to have in your life. Some people use and then discard. Jenn is one of those people. Happy anniversary to your fresh start darlin. I’m proud of the progress you’ve made. You’ve worked hard to dig yourself out from beneath the shit storm she left in her wake. Sorry about the profanity. I’m a little ticked off.
    Love you.

  3. Well said, Alison! I couldn’t agree more. You took the opportunity to reset your life, and you got healthier, wealthier and happier in the last year, even though you started it with such a huge loss.
    Hugs!
    (And it’s good you are not shying from processing the loss that happened, too– you are an amazingly strong and brave woman.)

  4. I hope that is the worst day of your life too. Now you know that nothing can truely break you, no matter what you will come back stronger. I hope this upcoming year is one of your best my friend.

  5. reading this i can feel such pain. it’s not fair and it wasn’t handled the right way…i am sorry that you had to experience such pain and loss but can tell from this blog that you have grown tremendously strong from this dark place of a year ago. You are in a better place. You have love all around you and you are getting healthy! You deserve to be proud!..she may have gotten the vehicles etc. but you got CLAD+J and they can never be replaced..and they love you and would never hurt you in this way!

  6. Wow. I honestly don’t know all the players so I couldn’t grasp all of the details of that post…except for the pain. That came through loud and clear. I’m so sorry you went through that, and I wish I didn’t know, exactly, how you felt. People can suck. You are strong and amazing. Only good things are coming your way!

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