At the end of every year I go back and read that years posts from beginning to end. This was by far the hardest year to read, but not for the reason you may think.
It is hard to look back at yourself and see how desperate, pathetic, and, to be fully honest, useless, you once were. The person I was on this day last year, would have laughed if told she was going to become me. I have made so many complete changes in the last year, that last year’s me wouldn’t even recognize herself if they bumped into each other on the street.
It is interesting to read through and watch myself start to transform. I can see the times where I pretended I was okay. I see the times that pretending went terribly wrong and I had to feel worse to make up for it. I see the times where I was nothing but a whiny, dependant, pity party thrower. I see the times that I was stupid and reaching for things I had no business reaching for. I see the genuinely happy times where I allowed myself not to wallow and just enjoyed life for a few moments before continuing to punish myself.
But more importantly, I saw the exact moment where it all changed.
I see that I have a real smile. I see that my plaster facade is no longer needed. All of those years that I wore that mask. All of those years that I spent so much time trying to heal someone else, that I forgot to heal myself. I’m all better now! I know that I will always have my son in my heart. He is a part of me. No one else in the world will ever be able to say that. Yes, Jenn is his mother too, I will never say that she isn’t. I’m simply saying that I am the only person who will ever be able to say I held him every moment of his life. I am so lucky. I got to be a part of a miracle.
I haven’t taken my Prozac since June or July last year. I think this may have been crucial in helping me finally get my head on straight. The drug simply made me too numb to heal. There were some super rough spots along the way, and I think they do show in the blog. I believe Albus Dumbledore said it best “Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.” Yes, there were lots of moments at the end of the Summer and into the Fall where things did totally feel worse. But now…I would go through all of that pain a million times over to feel the way I feel now.
When it dawned on Lyz that I wasn’t taking the drugs anymore, she gave me an interesting look. She didn’t judge, she just let me go. I told her, I’m tried of being numb. A month or two later she told me that she agreed that going off the drugs was best, that I can deal with it all better now. Lyz is wise.
Thank you dear blog readers for standing with me for the last year. Thank you for reading my pathetic drivel, for screaming at me loud enough for me to finally hear. For supporting me through everything. You have been instrumental in me making it through this year. Consider this my Oscar acceptance speech.
What I learned most about going back and reading the posts from 2011?? That every single one of you are right. I am strong.