Moving on…

At K’s on Wednesday night, she asked the inevitable “So, how are you feeling this week?” question. She is sweet to ask, but I don’t understand why she wants to know.

But, I started spewing out words anyway. And I think I happened upon a realization. I am no longer missing Jenn at all. I’m no longer sad about our divorce. I am no longer missing my wife. Right now every single pain that I have is due to the fact that she left me. That I was worth so little to anyone that they were able to completely delete me out of their life without another thought.

That the woman I loved (yay, I can finally say loveD instead of love) was able to walk away from me. That anyone would just walk away. What kind of person must I be that can make something like that happen?

It makes me feel very weak. Very useless. Very pointless. Why bother?

Beyond the fact that I am hurt and belittled by the fact that she could just walk away from me, I was apparently so horrible of a person that she felt it necessary to run to people she previously hated. She walked into a completely different life. Where did she go the day she left me? To her parents house. The two people who she would spend many hours of every day complaining about. She would wish they would pack up and move far away so that she wouldn’t have to deal with them. She would tell us all the time how annoying and horrible her family was to her. Yet, when she needed somewhere to go, she went to them. Her sister too. I honestly think that her sister was a number one on “the people Jenn hates” list, right up until she left me. But, I’m horrible enough to chase her right into all of that.

Beyond the fact that I am so horrible that she could walk away from me, and run to the people she previously hated, I am so horrible that she needed to walk away from EVERYONE.

Avery’s birthday was Saturday. The last words out of Jenn’s mouth to Avery “I promise I will be there for your birthday.” Avery’s whispered words to me a few weeks ago, “I don’t think Aunt Jenn knows how to keep any promises, she hurt you, and now I’m pretty sure she isn’t going to come to my birthday party.”

Avery and I both held on to a little bit of hope. Avery thought she just might show up. I thought she would at least send a card, and email, a short little phone call.

Nothing.

How could I have ever loved someone who had the potential to be so fake? How could I have ever loved someone who could hurt a six year old?

So, in answer to the question “So how are you feeling this week?”

Ashamed.

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6 thoughts on “Moving on…

  1. You are not alone on this train my dearest- Lord knows I’ve been there- and so many of the rest of your pals too. I am so very proud of you for realizing that she didnt- and DOESNT define you. I am even more proud of how far you have come. You can hold your head up and know you can keep your word (I am still blown away that you remember every Oct. 15-hugs). How am I feeling this week? Blessed to have gotten to know you!

  2. Jenn should be the one who is ashamed. She obviously had you fooled into believing that she was someone worth loving, NOT that you were not loveable. I’m sorry that you and Avery were disappointed, but it looks like she has had a fantastically awesome birthday (all parts) with the people who love her the most and deserve to have such a precious girl in their lives.

  3. Big hugs to you, sweets. I hope that the feeling of ashamed doesn’t stick around too long b/c it seems much to harsh for someone with a light as big as yours 🙂 Hang in there…you are in my thoughts!

  4. I love you silly! And my thoughts on this are. We know from all the horrible stories Jenn told us about Pug what kind of person she was. and how she treated her husband…. so I can only thing that she has helped make Jenn into this new uncaring, unloving , only think of herself person. It is one thing to be mad at grown-ups but to take your selfish behavior out on a child… I think this last saturday is when I finally gave up on her. We both know that Jenn is a follower and once she commits to something her pride doesn’t let her admit her mistakes. My children will always love their Aunt Jenn, and we will continue to tell them all of our good memories, its a shame that she doesn’t remember them. But we have come so far and accomplished so much in these last months… all I got to say is We Got This!

  5. Just catching up! Wanted to let you know that I can relate 100% to this post. My wife didn’t leave, but my two “best friends”. I often feel ashamed for loving them so whole heartedly. When they left, they walked right into the arms of the people they “hated” and complained about all the time. Am I that bad? The funny thing is, I often wonder how they walked out of the life of my daughter and keep wondering if I will hear from them as her first birthday approaches, but am also glad she won’t have people like them in her life and is too young to remember. I can protect her from that. Why did I overlook who they really are to love them for so long? This bothers me everyday.

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