At K’s on Wednesday night, she asked the inevitable “So, how are you feeling this week?” question. She is sweet to ask, but I don’t understand why she wants to know.
But, I started spewing out words anyway. And I think I happened upon a realization. I am no longer missing Jenn at all. I’m no longer sad about our divorce. I am no longer missing my wife. Right now every single pain that I have is due to the fact that she left me. That I was worth so little to anyone that they were able to completely delete me out of their life without another thought.
That the woman I loved (yay, I can finally say loveD instead of love) was able to walk away from me. That anyone would just walk away. What kind of person must I be that can make something like that happen?
It makes me feel very weak. Very useless. Very pointless. Why bother?
Beyond the fact that I am hurt and belittled by the fact that she could just walk away from me, I was apparently so horrible of a person that she felt it necessary to run to people she previously hated. She walked into a completely different life. Where did she go the day she left me? To her parents house. The two people who she would spend many hours of every day complaining about. She would wish they would pack up and move far away so that she wouldn’t have to deal with them. She would tell us all the time how annoying and horrible her family was to her. Yet, when she needed somewhere to go, she went to them. Her sister too. I honestly think that her sister was a number one on “the people Jenn hates” list, right up until she left me. But, I’m horrible enough to chase her right into all of that.
Beyond the fact that I am so horrible that she could walk away from me, and run to the people she previously hated, I am so horrible that she needed to walk away from EVERYONE.
Avery’s birthday was Saturday. The last words out of Jenn’s mouth to Avery “I promise I will be there for your birthday.” Avery’s whispered words to me a few weeks ago, “I don’t think Aunt Jenn knows how to keep any promises, she hurt you, and now I’m pretty sure she isn’t going to come to my birthday party.”
Avery and I both held on to a little bit of hope. Avery thought she just might show up. I thought she would at least send a card, and email, a short little phone call.
How could I have ever loved someone who had the potential to be so fake? How could I have ever loved someone who could hurt a six year old?
So, in answer to the question “So how are you feeling this week?”