***I wrote this post on Tuesday afternoon and scheduled it to post Wednesday morning. It is now Tuesday night and I am already back to having a very good day. CLAD had been out of town for four days…maybe they are my good day makers? Anywho, I’m still going to let this post happen, because, this is my journal. And someday I won’t be faking it as much. And someday, I will be able to look back at this and see how far I have come.***
I would say for the most part my life is full of good days. Now, this may not mean that all day every day is a good day. I measure it at the end of the day and decide if I spent more time as Good Heidi or Pretending Heidi. I still have a very hard time letting my emotions out.
On a good day I can smile for real. I can answer the question “How are you?” truthfully and not scream in my head “How the f*** do you think I am moron??”
A bad day typically involves too much time to think. For example, CLAD went out of town Thursday morning. By Sunday night I was on the phone texting Danielle and bawling to K. I lost it there for a bit.
Danielle and I post on each others facebook walls all the time about updates on the new Harry Potter movie, or new casting for the Hunger Games. Today she posted a new poster from Harry Potter on my wall. The quote on that poster is the perfect quote for how I feel on a bad day.
“Has it ever crossed your brilliant mind that I don’t want to do this anymore?” Severus Snape.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I am tired of having bad days. I don’t wake up in the morning and make a conscious effort to have a bad day. I try my absolute damnedest not to mope, not to cry, not to care. It isn’t like I had time to prepare for this. One morning my wife brought me breakfast at work, by that afternoon I had found out that she wasn’t in love with me. It happened so quickly that I still don’t grasp the concept. When I wake up in the middle of the night I still reach for her. I doubt that I ever will stop reaching.
As you can tell I think I am starting to find the anger stage that I had so cautiously skipped over. The problem is I’m not angry at anyone. I’m just angry. I guess I am angry at myself. I should have seen her for what she really was. And by her, I mean both Jenn and her new girlfriend. I certainly didn’t see new girlfriend ever becoming the new girlfriend. In the three weeks before Jenn left me I welcomed her into our home when her and her hubby were fighting. I spent hours in the store picking out the perfect Christmas gift for her from Jenn. I even argued with Jenn that she wasn’t picking nice enough things for new girlfriend. I gave Jenn my blessing to take new girlfriend to places I wanted to go. Told her it was fine! I was happy she had a friend. I was such a moron.
I suppose that bad days come from too much reflection. For example, the day we broke up Jenn acted like she had just realized her feelings for new girlfriend. Yet, when I called new girlfriend asking if she was interested in polygamy (pathetic aren’t I?) her answer was “No. And Jenn knows that.” At the time I thought nothing of it. Now I wonder if they had already discussed it.
If you can’t tell, I’m having a bad day. It happens. The hopelessness creeps in and I wonder why I’m bothering to try at all. I’m tired of faking it. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of being an actress.
I’m tired. I don’t want to do this anymore.