When I left work yesterday my nerves were all raw. I had been emailing with Jenn about the problem that came in the mail on Monday. On the drive home one of my favorite angry songs came on the radio so I turned it up and screamed along to the words. (Love the Way You Lie, in case you were curious). I got home in a much better mood and was looking forward to spending the rest of the day with Lyz and the girls.
Lyz was standing at the kitchen island. She put her finger in her mouth and mumbled something. It took her saying it three times before I realized what she had asked “How was your day?” I lied. “Good? What’s up?” She explained that I had got a letter and she could tell just by looking at the outside that it wasn’t good. My head instantly flipped through the most horrible things in the world until Lyz mentioned that Chris had mentioned something about what township it was from. Ahhhhh.
I opened the letter and sure enough, it is another piece of crap about the crap I was dealing with Jenn all day about. I started shaking. I let the words that so often go through my head and fingers fall out of my mouth. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. I ran to hide in my room. I cried for a few minutes and then began to panic. I am supposed to appear in court on Monday, May 16. I can’t. I have other things that day. And even better, there isn’t anyone around to be able to go with me!!! I cannot do such a thing alone. Wait, I take that back. K offered to go with me. But I simply can’t see dragging her. I’m not sure why.
So I emailed Jenn. And she called me. I handled hearing her voice much better yesterday than I did on Friday. We talked out this issue, she swears she is going to take care of it. I mostly trust her. I am giving her until tomorrow before I decide to flip out and panic about all of this. And we talked about other things. It felt good to get some things off my chest. I’m tired of her telling me I hate her and that I can’t wait to sue her. I would NEVER. I don’t want her hurt. Sure, it may make her feel better to believe those things, but they aren’t true. She even admitted to saying the things she swore she never said. She says she didn’t mean them, they were said out of “utter rage”, which I believe, but like I told her, how am I supposed to know what it thinks when it comes to you…I don’t know who you are. She swears she hasn’t changed. She may think that, but I can hear it in her voice.
I had Lyz listen to the voicemail she had left, Lyz hears the change in her voice too. I only wish it was a happy change. That she sounded happier. Maybe she is, but with all that has gone down in the last few days she is just beat down. I don’t know. I want nothing more than for her to be happy. It has been my goal for 15 years and I don’t know how to change that about me.