Busted Boxes

I guess there were a few more boxes that I didn’t notice shoved up in the attic. As we pulled away from CLAD’s this weekend, I felt the cracks start to open wider and wider. I spent the better part of the drive crying. She was supposed to be with us on this trip.

When we arrived at the hotel Joni cornered me and told me not to be afraid to show them how I’m feeling. I can’t though. Not in front of Avery and Delaney. Avery already knows, without being told, that She has hurt me deeply. To be honest, I had been feeling great. Until Sunday.

Monday and Tuesday were good. Our trip was very busy and non-stop so there wasn’t much time to not be okay. (Yes, there will be a whole big post about how much fun the six of us had…I just need to steal the pictures off of Chris’s camera first!!) I did lose it a little on Monday evening. Apparently my acting skills are a little lacking because in the middle of dinner Avery got up, walked around the table and came over to hug me and tell me how much she loves me. I dare you to hold it together when things like that happen. I lost it again at the Air & Space Museum. Air & Space was Her favorite. We spent most of the day there the one time we had gone to DC together.

Then last night when I was alone in my room the gates couldn’t hold it in anymore and the flood took over. And it was the silliest thing that sent me over the edge. Lined up on my bed were three plastic sharks. I looked down at them and smiled. I’m not sure if it was Avery or Delaney who set them up. I smiled, picked them up and set them back up on my hope chest. Then I sat down on my bed and started bawling. I don’t know how long it lasted. I woke up at 3:30 when Delaney was crying and realized I was curled in a ball on the bed still.

I have now spent the morning fighting the continuous flow of tears. I cannot wait until it is time to leave work and go home. I may need to simply lock myself in my room for the evening (although, that is impossible as the lock to my room is on the outside, Delaney thinks that is big fun). I think I have finally reached the point where it is all coming out. I hope this is it at least. I hope that it finishes. I’m tired of it starting and then stalling out. I want this feeling to go away. I still don’t know the answer to “What Happened?” I know I never will. Right now all I do know is that I am so thankful for my support system. Chris, Lyz, Avery, Delaney, Joni, Danielle, Mom, Dad, Marshall, Jenn (no, not that one), Jen (note the only one “n”, so again, not that one) and each and every one of you.

Thank you. Thank you for everything. For every comment, every email, every thought, even just for reading. You all are my suspension bridge, holding me up, carrying me across. I am going to make it to the other side, only because I have you.

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4 thoughts on “Busted Boxes

  1. Now, you just hang on a second here missy.

    You don’t want Avery and Delaney to see someone grieving? You would rather they see someone suck it up, pretend it doesn’t hurt and shove it down? You would rather they learn that being an adult means denying your emotions? That it’s bad or wrong to be sad or angry? You think that’s a healthy model for them to aspire to? You think they should do the same when they are hurt?

    No, you show them that it is worth it to grieve. That tears and anger and sorrow are normal natural human emotions, that you spend your season in grief. That when things hurt, when you are betrayed, chewed up and spit out you hurt. That’s why we don’t do it to other people, and that this can sometimes be the cost to loving someone.

    And when all that is done, when you find the sunshine again, you teach them that there is always the sun above the clouds, and as surely as there is a season for sorrow, there is one for joy. You teach them the cost of being hurt is always worth the cost of loving, and that real people show emotion.

  2. Long time lurker…I just want you to know that when I stumbled across your blog I was amazed. I began at the beginning and read every post, looked at every picture. Your words were honest, caring, raw and at times full of your burdens. I could not stop reading. I was crushed when you made tearful announcements; I would cry and my heart would break for you. Each time you slowly navigated your way through those painful events and you were stronger, perhaps you veiwed things in a different light, but nonetheless you continued on. I just want you to know that you have been an inspiration for me.
    I had a quote I wanted to share with you, but I have to find it again…sorry. Just know that your honesty moves and connects with all that read your precious words. You are not alone, we are all here surrounding you with love and strength.
    P.S. I now can not see a flamingo & not instantly think of you!

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