I fell in love for the first time when I was in high school. Say what you will about high school romance, you’re too young, you don’t know what love is blah blah blah. I am an adult now, I know what love is. I know that I was in love in high school. I was consumed by love. I felt the real pain of heartbreak when he left to go serve his mission. I cried with every letter I sent and received. I still have them all. They were filled with emotion. I thought he was the love. My heart was so swollen with love that I remember thinking then that there could be no greater love in my life.
I was still in love with him when I met Jenn. (Yes, we will be using her actual name for this post) While I did have strong emotions for her, they were not as strong as what I felt for him. They were different. Better in some ways, but much much scarier in others. I wrote once before on how my love changed from him to Jenn:
“When he came home from his mission, in fact the night before he left for Idaho, I went over to his house to help him pack. We laid on his bed together snuggling, and then he bent down and kissed me. I will admit it was one of the most powerful kisses I have ever had. Why? Because I felt nothing. My heart had been torn in two directions for so long and I didn’t know which way to go, but that kiss answered it. I knew where and who my heart belonged to. I cried when I left his house that night. I knew that my heart made a decision that would make my life difficult in the years to come. I knew that this decision was going to hurt other people that I love. I also knew that I had never felt so happy or free.”
The love I had (have?) for Jenn grew and grew and grew. It was true love also. And it was so much more powerful. I believed her to be the perfect package. I remember thinking a year or two into our relationship that there could be no greater love. Then I remembered how I had once had that same thought before. But the relationship continued to grow and bloom.
I told Lyz a few nights ago that I don’t know if it is possible for me to love again. My heart has been stretched by love. It was (is?) exploding in love for Jenn. I was fully consumed by the power of emotion I felt (feel?) for her. When I decide that I want to love someone they get all of me. I hope this doesn’t come across wrong, but I am the kind of person who always loves people more than they love me. I give it all. I give everything. I’m starting to worry that I have given it all and will have nothing to give to anyone ever again. How can I possibly love anyone as much as I love(d?) her. Trust me when I say that I know without a shadow of a doubt that NewGF will never feel the same emotions for Jenn that I did (do?).
I’ve been rereading the blog (because I am a glutton for punishment) and Jenn had left so many comments about how much she loves me. So many comments on how we are forever, how nothing will ever come between us. Not lies, but not promises she was able to keep. I had told her from the get go to never make a promise to me that she couldn’t keep. I don’t make promises that I don’t know without 100% certainty that I will be able to keep. A few years ago Avery had asked Jenn to quit smoking and Jenn promised her she would. I didn’t make the promise, I always said “I’ll try”. I’m glad I didn’t make the promise because it would’ve been broken. Jenn let this promise get so broken that Lyz can pinpoint the exact moment that she knew Jenn was going to check-out on us all…….
A week or so ago I walked into my bedroom and noticed a piece of paper on my bookshelf. I flipped it over wondering what I had left there. It was a picture I had printed for Avery when we got back from Florida last year. It was a picture of Jenn and Avery from behind on the beach. One from 2008, one from 2009, and one from 2010. I sat on the bed and cried. When Lyz and Chris got home I asked them if they left it there, no.
Avery came in my room the next night and asked me if I had found it. I asked her why she put it there. I was worried that she had overheard some conversation and was mad at Jenn and didn’t want that picture in her room anymore. Her answer was even more amazing than that.
“Heidi, I want you to remember the happy Jenn. The Jenn that made us all happy and loved us all. Not this Jenn. Not the Jenn that hurt us and makes us all sad.”
I’m trying Avery. And for the most part I do a pretty good job. Then comes the times where I can’t feel anything but the hurt and pain of what she did to me, to us, to everyone. I’m glad she is “doing her” now, but wish she had an ounce of care in her body to try to do herself while not crushing everyone she supposedly loved.
As you read this I am on a trip. The last thing I was supposed to do with Jenn. I’m hoping that I am having too much fun watching Avery and Delaney to let the sad emotions take over.