There is a Bubble Guppies episode where they go camping on the Dark Side of the Moon. I watched this episode no less than 15 times yesterday. When they get to the end of that particular segment Delaney starts screaming “I wann MOHHH!!” (and by screaming I mean screaming it in the cutest possible way that makes it impossible to say no to) and we rewind and start again. When I first heard them mention it my head said “I want to live there.”
My bedroom used to be Chris’s. He would use it when he worked night shift and needed to sleep during the day. So there was no light in my room what-so-ever. He had covered the windows completely. I could go in there at noon and have to fumble around to find things unless I switched a light on. A day or two after I moved in Chris offered to come remove them. NO!!!! I like my little cave. I enjoyed the fact that I could go in there, close the door and close the entire world out. It felt like a hiding hole where no one could find me. Where I could be alone with my pain and fear.
Last week I told Lyz that I needed to get over my cave. My goal would be the first day of Spring. On the first day of Spring I would remove the window coverings and take another step towards rejoining the real world. A day or two later Avery stopped by my cave and we were in there talking. I was reorganizing some of my shelves (I do this a lot. It is kinda strange) and she mentioned that it was really dark. I agreed. She then walked over to the cactus she had bought me and said “How can anything live in here without light?” That was all it took. The coverings came right down.
Last night when I went into my room, after wishing to live on the Dark Side of the Moon, I looked around at my bright windows and took a deep breath. I don’t want to live on the Dark Side of the Moon. I lived there for a few years. I like this place better.
I have enjoyed the view from my room a lot. I can lay in my bed and look out the window and watch Orion go across the sky. I can sit in bed and read and watch Avery, Delaney and Riley fly around the backyard. I can watch the birds. I can watch the trees. I can watch the world be alive. I can find strength in the clouds. Strength in the wind. Strength in me.