Last night when Lyz and Chris got home we sat around the kitchen table and I listened as they shared details of the funeral. It was heartbreaking. Chris had the honor of being one of the final casket guards and to hear him talk about it with such emotion just floored me.
Chris was working on the Facebook memorial page and Lyz picked up a book that was sitting on the counter. She had received it for her 30th birthday. All About Me. I mentioned that she should really fill it out. She told me “Make me do a page every day”. Hey Chris, hand me a pen?
So she started. And it started as a “How well do you know Lyz?” quiz. They were simple questions…family…favorite books…movies…music…and so on. Then Chris and I started answering the questions aloud as well.
But then the questions started getting deeper. Questions about God. Questions about morals. Then they got personal. Three good qualities about yourself. Three bad qualities about yourself. It is easier to come up with bad qualities. Then we answered for each other. Interestingly enough, the bad things I thought of myself were worse than the bad things Lyz and Chris thought. The overwhelming consensus is that I am not independent enough and that I have low self esteem. The other overwhelming consensus is that both of these things are improving and will continue to be improved.
Of course they are. I live with the worlds most awesome people. I am surrounded by love. I am surrounded by people who know not to believe lies. I am surrounded by people who tried to protect me. Who still are protecting me. Chris-you were right from the start. Not talking to her feels so much better than listening to her crap. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you sooner.
Our late night conversation about ourselves left me feeling a little raw, as it got a lot of things out onto the table. But it also left me feeling stronger. It left me knowing that I have the worlds best support system. That I am now living with people that believe in me. People that are only interested in changing me for the better. To putting me back together to the Heidi I once was. To rebuilding what I let someone else tear down. While I know that I am still not independent at all, I know that I am strong enough to know who I am, what I want to be, what I stand for and no one will EVER take that away from me again.