I remember…

While in New York there were several times when I shocked Joni. Talking to strangers. Helping people with directions. Smiling, a lot.

And then it hit me. It kinda feels like I am coming out of heavy sedation. I’m starting to remember who I am. I had always thought that I lost me after I lost Blue, but I realize now that isn’t true. My ex had made me change so much that I lost who I was. She picked the music, the television, how I dress, how I acted, how dependent I am.

Now, don’t get me wrong here. I am a very shy person. I am also very clingy and dependent. But she took those little parts of me and made it so that is all that I was. She stopped allowing me to do certain things, telling me it was silly or a waste of time and money. She made it so that really the only person in the world to me was her. My circle used to joke that her and I didn’t have two names HerandHeidi was all one word. I had become a piece instead of a whole.

But I’m awake now. I smile. I talk to people. I find myself wanting to do things that I haven’t done in years. I find myself enjoying the few meals I make. I find myself listening to music that had been frowned upon. I find myself smiling even when there isn’t a specific reason to.

I remember who I am. I remember who I want to be. And each time that I start to feel a little down, I remember that I am most importantly a mother, a daughter, a sister, a niece, a friend and an Auntie. I am no longer “her wife”. I am everything that I have every wanted to be, I had simply forgotten. But I remember now, and there is nothing and no one that can stop me.

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7 thoughts on “I remember…

  1. SO happy and proud of you for seeing this in YOU. I can hear it in your voice my old Heidi not just the one before Blue but the one that I first met 13 years ago when you were still an individual and independent. I wish I would have taped our phone call after you talked to Martha. I wish I could have bottled up the happiness in that call and let the whole world hear it. You are an amazing person which I always knew I am just glad that you are now realizing it….

  2. I think that happens to more people then we know……you just don’t realize what is happening when you’re going through it…….this will make you a stronger person in the long run…..and when all is done a said you will be a better person…..your ex will not be happy…….again I have seen this once to many times……they always think the grass is greener on the other side but it’s just as tuff to cut…..

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