While in New York there were several times when I shocked Joni. Talking to strangers. Helping people with directions. Smiling, a lot.
And then it hit me. It kinda feels like I am coming out of heavy sedation. I’m starting to remember who I am. I had always thought that I lost me after I lost Blue, but I realize now that isn’t true. My ex had made me change so much that I lost who I was. She picked the music, the television, how I dress, how I acted, how dependent I am.
Now, don’t get me wrong here. I am a very shy person. I am also very clingy and dependent. But she took those little parts of me and made it so that is all that I was. She stopped allowing me to do certain things, telling me it was silly or a waste of time and money. She made it so that really the only person in the world to me was her. My circle used to joke that her and I didn’t have two names HerandHeidi was all one word. I had become a piece instead of a whole.
But I’m awake now. I smile. I talk to people. I find myself wanting to do things that I haven’t done in years. I find myself enjoying the few meals I make. I find myself listening to music that had been frowned upon. I find myself smiling even when there isn’t a specific reason to.
I remember who I am. I remember who I want to be. And each time that I start to feel a little down, I remember that I am most importantly a mother, a daughter, a sister, a niece, a friend and an Auntie. I am no longer “her wife”. I am everything that I have every wanted to be, I had simply forgotten. But I remember now, and there is nothing and no one that can stop me.