I remember…

While in New York there were several times when I shocked Joni. Talking to strangers. Helping people with directions. Smiling, a lot.

And then it hit me. It kinda feels like I am coming out of heavy sedation. I’m starting to remember who I am. I had always thought that I lost me after I lost Blue, but I realize now that isn’t true. My ex had made me change so much that I lost who I was. She picked the music, the television, how I dress, how I acted, how dependent I am.

Now, don’t get me wrong here. I am a very shy person. I am also very clingy and dependent. But she took those little parts of me and made it so that is all that I was. She stopped allowing me to do certain things, telling me it was silly or a waste of time and money. She made it so that really the only person in the world to me was her. My circle used to joke that her and I didn’t have two names HerandHeidi was all one word. I had become a piece instead of a whole.

But I’m awake now. I smile. I talk to people. I find myself wanting to do things that I haven’t done in years. I find myself enjoying the few meals I make. I find myself listening to music that had been frowned upon. I find myself smiling even when there isn’t a specific reason to.

I remember who I am. I remember who I want to be. And each time that I start to feel a little down, I remember that I am most importantly a mother, a daughter, a sister, a niece, a friend and an Auntie. I am no longer “her wife”. I am everything that I have every wanted to be, I had simply forgotten. But I remember now, and there is nothing and no one that can stop me.


7 thoughts on “I remember…

  1. SO happy and proud of you for seeing this in YOU. I can hear it in your voice my old Heidi not just the one before Blue but the one that I first met 13 years ago when you were still an individual and independent. I wish I would have taped our phone call after you talked to Martha. I wish I could have bottled up the happiness in that call and let the whole world hear it. You are an amazing person which I always knew I am just glad that you are now realizing it….

  2. I think that happens to more people then we know……you just don’t realize what is happening when you’re going through it…….this will make you a stronger person in the long run…..and when all is done a said you will be a better person…..your ex will not be happy…….again I have seen this once to many times……they always think the grass is greener on the other side but it’s just as tuff to cut…..

Whatcha gotta say bout that?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s