Yes, I have a problem

I admit it.  I’m addicted to Harry Potter.  Danielle and I worked together last night and almost every conversation we had could be brought back around to Harry Potter.  We are a dangerous duo.

So I had her look up a quote for me while she was reading Deathly Hallows on her Kindle.  Replace “magic” with “emotion” and you’ve got me:

“She wouldn’t use magic, but she couldn’t get rid of it. It turned inward and drove her mad. It exploded out of her when she couldn’t control it. And at times she was strange and dangerous.”

Yup. That would be me.  I cannot seem to get emotions out of myself.  I keep trying.  I keep trying to cry or trying to scream, but nothing happens.  The best times to start leaking are when I am alone in the car.  When I leave work I start to sing along to the radio, and it amazes me how many kick ass songs are out there right now that I can belt along to.  Then the waves of emotion start rolling over me.  By the time I get to the exit I am all ready to run inside and climb into Lyz’s arms and let everything out.

Then I pull in the driveway.  And all the emotion shrinks back up and hides where ever it may be hiding.  I don’t know why.  Well, I do know why.  Because my number two flaw is that I cannot ask for help.  There has only been one time in the last four weeks (oh my goodness it has been four weeks) that I have really cried and let Lyz hold me.  And I didn’t intend for it to happen either.  It was “the morning after” and I thought she was asleep.  Chris had left to go get the girls from Baam so I let some of it out.  Before I knew it Lyz had flung her arms around me and was holding me and crying too.

But I’m not sure if I do hurt.  I can’t decide.  And that is why I just keep using the word emotion.  Because there are so many of them.  I still don’t feel much anger.  Every so often a bit of it creeps in and I try to let it take over.

Danielle had come into work yesterday very angry after a confrontation she had.  I begged her to teach me how.  She said it just happens.

It just happens.  Maybe that phrase should make me angry?  I’m pretty sure Jenn said it to me a few times.

So, moral of the story is, not only am I Ariana and I can’t control the magic, but I am also an Inferi.  They are bodies that are inchanted to become alive, but they have no soul.

I feel like my soul is lost.  And that does make me a little angry.  How could she crush my soul so completely that it is gone?

But days like this are made better by remembering that this morning Avery and Delaney crawled into bed with me screaming Na Na!!  How long have you been awake?  Why didn’t you come visit us?

Because, sometimes, Na’s soul is lost, and then it hurts to look at how beautiful and perfect you two are.  But when you coming running into my room you remind me just how loved I am, and I remember I do have a soul.  And the two of you keep it alive.


One thought on “Yes, I have a problem

  1. First- I share your Harry Potter addiction/obsession. . .and well, I guess I have some food for thought-

    When I was growing up- I had something I had to hide- it was something that had a great deal of emotion connected to it, and with hiding that something- I hid the emotions attached. I was strange, I was not dangerous but all of the things I held inside made emotions dangerous- I am like you, right down the radio. Though I admit, I have a playlist to emote in provate to, and a 2 hour daily commute to vent the magic enough to be a good mom.

    Not sure if this is anything like you had- but I also thought my soul was crushed, and it was, but I found something out- just like you are doing- I was a person with feelings, and I am slowly making my emotions public, in small measured doses to those I trust. . .and maybe someday soon you will too.

    I know we do not know one another, but I understand your pain, I have felt it right down to the “needed time to figure out if “we” were worth it” question and the immediate moving in with another.

    You are taking small steps- in the right direction.:)


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