Mistakes

I have the day off of work. Chris is working. Lyz and the girls had a playdate. I figured I would stay home and start organizing my stuff. I’ve been through everything once, because Jenn was looking for something that might have got packed into my things, but I haven’t really been through it to organize it the way I want. Not to mention get things out to hang on my walls, more of my books, etc.

Big mistake. Monday was a very bad day. I do not want to go into details because it wasn’t even about me. I did get dragged into it, but for no reason at all. I wasn’t even home when all the drama went down, I had spent the night at a friend’s house. But what it did make me realize is that as much as I keep telling myself that my Jenn still exisits, she really doesn’t. She is gone.

So anywho, I just went down to the basement to look at my corner. I just stood there. Then I sat there. I couldn’t breathe. My whole life is now in boxes stacked in a basement. They are going to have to sit there a little while longer. Maybe I will wait until Joni or Lyz can start going through them with me. I just don’t have it in me to even start thinking of what to do.

The other thing I have realized over the last few days is that I understand what I miss. I do not miss Jenn. (well, in the grand scheme, of course I miss my Jenn, I hope this is making sense). I miss the relationship. I miss feeling safe. I miss feeling loved and cherished. I realize now that Jenn hadn’t been making me feel those things in awhile. I hadn’t felt safe and protected and cherished with her. All we really had left was my goodnight forehead kisses.

Sigh. See, I should have seen it coming.

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12 thoughts on “Mistakes

  1. Take your time going through your things–that can be hard even if there aren’t emotional attachments. And I’m sorry that you’re seeing more and more that Jenn wasn’t really there for you–I know that should make it easier, but that it probably doesn’t. Just know that eventually you’ll find someone who can make you feel safe and secure again, and until then you still have those gorgeous girls to share forehead kisses with instead.

  2. Oh girl, I wish there were some way of short-circuiting this cycle of pain, or of fast-forwarding to the part where you realize you are worth SO MUCH MORE than you were getting, but there is nothing to do but live through it and rely on those who love you to help keep all your pieces in one place for when you are ready to put them back together.

    I hope that day comes sooner than later, but please keep writing…it is all part of the process and there are no short-cuts. Still cheering for you!

  3. Always thinking about you and hoping for the very best for you. FYI, I can now read the password protected posts where before the password was not working.

  4. I am sure it will come in waves, the grief. Losing someone you love (which is what has happened here) is not something you easily get over. It is something you can move through, with time, but loss is loss.

    The boxes will get unpacked. One day, soon or not so soon, you will see those boxes and have it in you to do it.

    as always, I am sending hugs from here…

  5. I know just what you mean. Life together lately hadn’t been all that great, but I miss the DREAM. The life I hoped we would have together. It’s so hard on so many levels.

    Take time with your things. You’ll know when the time is right. And it will be good to have a friend with you. Good friends make everything better!

  6. I know you don’t want to hear it will get better……but it will…..I have been where you are now and trust me it isn’t a happy place……..you will find someone when you are not looking do you want to know where I found my second husband???? Now promise you won’t laugh because it is really funny ready??? I met my second husband of 23 years you I’m the one who was NEVER getting married again because all men were ass holes etc….I met my husband at a veiwing at a funeral home…..yes you heard me a FUNERAL HOME….what the hell???? Trust me I was not looking for anything or anybody let alone love…….

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