I have the day off of work. Chris is working. Lyz and the girls had a playdate. I figured I would stay home and start organizing my stuff. I’ve been through everything once, because Jenn was looking for something that might have got packed into my things, but I haven’t really been through it to organize it the way I want. Not to mention get things out to hang on my walls, more of my books, etc.
Big mistake. Monday was a very bad day. I do not want to go into details because it wasn’t even about me. I did get dragged into it, but for no reason at all. I wasn’t even home when all the drama went down, I had spent the night at a friend’s house. But what it did make me realize is that as much as I keep telling myself that my Jenn still exisits, she really doesn’t. She is gone.
So anywho, I just went down to the basement to look at my corner. I just stood there. Then I sat there. I couldn’t breathe. My whole life is now in boxes stacked in a basement. They are going to have to sit there a little while longer. Maybe I will wait until Joni or Lyz can start going through them with me. I just don’t have it in me to even start thinking of what to do.
The other thing I have realized over the last few days is that I understand what I miss. I do not miss Jenn. (well, in the grand scheme, of course I miss my Jenn, I hope this is making sense). I miss the relationship. I miss feeling safe. I miss feeling loved and cherished. I realize now that Jenn hadn’t been making me feel those things in awhile. I hadn’t felt safe and protected and cherished with her. All we really had left was my goodnight forehead kisses.
Sigh. See, I should have seen it coming.