I feel guilty for a lot of things.
- Letting the love leave my marriage-I know, she didn’t tell me, her fault. Mine too though.
- Not taking good enough care of Jenn-I could have taken better care of her. I could have done all of the housework, could have cooked every night. I still would never have ironed her clothes though.
- Living with CLAD-I’m no longer living rent free, by my choice. The money Jenn and I earned at the Christmas tree farm has covered my rent through October. It isn’t enough. They are more than I need. I am considering hiring a housekeeper and paying for Showtime and HBO to help make up for it.
- Borrowing CLAD’s car-I hate inconveniencing people.
- Not crying enough-When Blue passed I hardly ever didn’t cry. I do cry now, but not as much as I feel I should.
- Saying “This pain makes the pain of losing Blue feel like a stubbed toe”-This is true. I hurt way worse than I did with Blue. Maybe because I don’t have Jenn to hold me and tell me I will be okay. I don’t know. But I feel like I am being cruel to Blue by saying that anything could hurt more than losing him hurt.
- Being over Jenn-I am. I realized it the other day. I still love her, please don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe that love is a switch that can be turned on and off so easily. But there is no longer that part of me that on the inside is screaming “I WANT HER BACK”. Nope. Okay, well, maybe I am 95% over Jenn. But I feel guilty because it hasn’t even been three weeks and I have already gotten over the woman I was with for 15 years? I’m assuming it is because she hurt me so badly that I am able to do this. As humans we tend to shrink away from the things that hurt us.
- For the thing I am about to do-No, I cannot go into more detail. It is legal, have no fear. And really, I actually only feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty enough about doing it.
- That I am so damn concerned about what other people think-And by this I mean everyone. I hate to face people and admit that my marriage failed.
I could go on and on and on and on, as I am really good at laying the guilt onto myself pretty thick. But, I just needed to get these ones off my chest.
Thank you. To each and everyone of you. Your comments, your emails, your just being there means the world to me. When I’m down and alone I go back and read them all. I love you.