Guilty

I feel guilty for a lot of things.

  • Letting the love leave my marriage-I know, she didn’t tell me, her fault.  Mine too though.
  • Not taking good enough care of Jenn-I could have taken better care of her.  I could have done all of the housework, could have cooked every night.  I still would never have ironed her clothes though.
  • Living with CLAD-I’m no longer living rent free, by my choice.  The money Jenn and I earned at the Christmas tree farm has covered my rent through October.  It isn’t enough.  They are more than I need.  I am considering hiring a housekeeper and paying for Showtime and HBO to help make up for it.
  • Borrowing CLAD’s car-I hate inconveniencing people.
  • Not crying enough-When Blue passed I hardly ever didn’t cry.  I do cry now, but not as much as I feel I should.
  • Saying “This pain makes the pain of losing Blue feel like a stubbed toe”-This is true.  I hurt way worse than I did with Blue.  Maybe because I don’t have Jenn to hold me and tell me I will be okay.  I don’t know.  But I feel like I am being cruel to Blue by saying that anything could hurt more than losing him hurt.
  • Being over Jenn-I am.  I realized it the other day.  I still love her, please don’t get me wrong.  I don’t believe that love is a switch that can be turned on and off so easily.  But there is no longer that part of me that on the inside is screaming “I WANT HER BACK”.  Nope.  Okay, well, maybe I am 95% over Jenn.  But I feel guilty because it hasn’t even been three weeks and I have already gotten over the woman I was with for 15 years?  I’m assuming it is because she hurt me so badly that I am able to do this.  As humans we tend to shrink away from the things that hurt us.
  • For the thing I am about to do-No, I cannot go into more detail.  It is legal, have no fear.  And really, I actually only feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty enough about doing it.
  • That I am so damn concerned about what other people think-And by this I mean everyone.  I hate to face people and admit that my marriage failed. 

I could go on and on and on and on, as I am really good at laying the guilt onto myself pretty thick.  But, I just needed to get these ones off my chest.

Thank you.  To each and everyone of you.  Your comments, your emails, your just being there means the world to me.  When I’m down and alone I go back and read them all.  I love you.

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7 thoughts on “Guilty

  1. I can tell you over and over you shouldn’t feel guilty about so many of those things, but I know it won’t help. But I’ll say it anyway – you shouldn’t. I’m concerned about the second bullet, though, and how close that sounds to what somebody in an abusive relationship would say. I’m not saying that is the case. I’m just saying that it scares me a little, and I really do hope you don’t think you should’ve been doing all of that, or that it would’ve kept her. ♥ ♥ ♥

  2. Oh holy shit! Heidi if I lived closer to you I would slap the shit right out of you….and I say that with love…..what the hell do you mean you didn’t pay the bills? how long was jenn not working? Lets see if this new one will do all that you have done for jenn…… You TWO were in a rut…..good god you were together 15 years….who doesnt get into a rut…..omg I could go on and on……..thank god for clad….keep your chin up you did NOTHING wrong

  3. OMG Heidi, there is more pain in this post than you probably intended. I am so glad you have clad to hold you and help you. I am so upset for you and for the injustice of heartbreak. I know no one can convince you that you should not feel guilty, but honestly, guilt and blame will only hurt you more. I hope you are right, that you are 95% over Jenn and I hope whatever you are doing next will bring you closer to that 100%.

    Know that you are loved and we are all cheering for you.

  4. Dear heart, since you’re not saying it or perhaps not seeing it right now– a good partner does not simply stop paying for the health insurance you rely on without telling you, or stop paying ANY of the bills without telling you and working with you to come up with a solution if someone can’t or won’t pull equal weight financially. Also, its not one partner’s responsibility to do ALL the cooking and ALL the cleaning unless you’ve worked out those details in advance and the other partner is taking on an equal burden elsewhere. One partner shouldn’t be pulling all the weight in any category of responsibility.

    You need to get good and mad to really start the healing. I love the suggestion of breaking plates someone made on a previous post. My hunch is that you’re not letting yourself feel the rage because you’re not sure where to direct it. You don’t want to direct it at Jenn b/c you love her so much. So find a safe outlet and let go, girl. Hit something hard– a volleyball, a baseball, a pillow. Let it fly. Go out and get drunk and go dance your ass off (with someone you trust for a designated driver).

    Don’t feel guilty about being over it– you’re not. I wish it were that fast or simple. Where you might be right now is a state of numbness. It will come and go.

    BTW– after V left me and moved in with the new woman, she went into a state of severe depression and stopped going to work. This had happened several times over the years we were together, and the new woman called ME to find out how to deal with it. I gave her the number of V’s therapist– her job now, not mine. After a while it DID become freeing to realize that I was no longer responsible for keeping her on her feet. I’m with a much more mentally stable partner now, and I can’t tell you how nice that is.

  5. I promise there was never any abuse in the relationship.

    She still brought in more money than I did when she was unemployed.

    Just things I want out there so that should Jenn ever find a way to read these posts she doesn’t think I am simply bad mouthing her 🙂

  6. I struggle with what people think about me. I don’t know why. Just one of the things I’m working on.

  7. So understand- you have a wonderful gift of introspection and clarity. . .I know you are still struggling but hang in there!

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