It has been a very rollercoaster 48 hours.
Tuesday Jenn was kind enough to drive me to The Hotel so I could spend the night in anticipation of the horrible ice storm we were going to have. It was so cute when I was leaving because Avery didn’t want me to be alone so she gave me her HUGE Spongebob stuffed animal for me to take and sleep with. Then Delaney came running in the room with a tiny Spongebob!! Goodness gracious I love those girls!!
Jenn and I spent about 4 hours talking. It made me feel awesome. I was able to get somethings out of me that had been poisoning my soul. We also talked like we always would have. About work, families, life in general. It was great! (No, this does not mean that I want to get back together with her. I have no trust in Jenn anymore, therefore I could never been in a relationship with her. Friends is all I desire)
Now, what I am about to say is going to make you all groan and want to yell at me, but it is my feelings and well, I’m pretty darn honest on here so…
I believe that this is my fault. I am the one who let the love go out of my marriage. I didn’t anticipate Jenn’s needs. (one of the things I asked her Tuesday was “What makes Christina better than me?” The answer was “She wants to take care of me”) I didn’t know how much Jenn needed to be taken care of.
No, you will not be able to convince me otherwise. Everyone has already tried. Even Jenn tried to convince me that I’m wrong. She totally tries to take all of the blame in this. I give her lots of credit for that.
She is also upset that I’m not angry at her. I should be, she tells me over and over again. It makes me wonder if she wants me to be mad so that she will feel less guilty. She just kept saying “It’s weird” over and over again.
I truly want to be her friend. When she left Tuesday night I was in a pretty darn good place. Well, after a confusing phone call that left me reeling and wondering why the two people who keep me sane were not answering their phones!! (Both had accidentally turned them off)
Sounding board #2 (I have not asked her permission to use her name on the blog…will ask her later) came down and sat in my room with me for a while. (She is also a FHFDC) and we chatted for quite awhile about lots of stuff. We talked about baby loss, love, separations. We watched Helena Bonham Carter on Jay Leno. SB2 may be the only person I know who is as obsessed, or even more obsessed, with Harry Potter than I am.
When she left I snuggled up in my bed with my book and Sex and the City reruns. I thought to myself “Right now, I am ok!” I felt great. A lot of things that I needed to resolve in my head were resolved (don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of other things I need to solve). I read a few chapters and then I realized I was lonely. I wanted to go home.
The home I pictured?? CLAD’s