Growing

It has been a very rollercoaster 48 hours.

Tuesday Jenn was kind enough to drive me to The Hotel so I could spend the night in anticipation of the horrible ice storm we were going to have. It was so cute when I was leaving because Avery didn’t want me to be alone so she gave me her HUGE Spongebob stuffed animal for me to take and sleep with. Then Delaney came running in the room with a tiny Spongebob!! Goodness gracious I love those girls!!

Jenn and I spent about 4 hours talking. It made me feel awesome. I was able to get somethings out of me that had been poisoning my soul. We also talked like we always would have. About work, families, life in general. It was great! (No, this does not mean that I want to get back together with her. I have no trust in Jenn anymore, therefore I could never been in a relationship with her. Friends is all I desire)

Now, what I am about to say is going to make you all groan and want to yell at me, but it is my feelings and well, I’m pretty darn honest on here so…

I believe that this is my fault. I am the one who let the love go out of my marriage. I didn’t anticipate Jenn’s needs. (one of the things I asked her Tuesday was “What makes Christina better than me?” The answer was “She wants to take care of me”) I didn’t know how much Jenn needed to be taken care of.

No, you will not be able to convince me otherwise. Everyone has already tried. Even Jenn tried to convince me that I’m wrong. She totally tries to take all of the blame in this. I give her lots of credit for that.

She is also upset that I’m not angry at her. I should be, she tells me over and over again. It makes me wonder if she wants me to be mad so that she will feel less guilty. She just kept saying “It’s weird” over and over again.

I truly want to be her friend. When she left Tuesday night I was in a pretty darn good place. Well, after a confusing phone call that left me reeling and wondering why the two people who keep me sane were not answering their phones!! (Both had accidentally turned them off)

Sounding board #2 (I have not asked her permission to use her name on the blog…will ask her later) came down and sat in my room with me for a while. (She is also a FHFDC) and we chatted for quite awhile about lots of stuff. We talked about baby loss, love, separations. We watched Helena Bonham Carter on Jay Leno. SB2 may be the only person I know who is as obsessed, or even more obsessed, with Harry Potter than I am.

When she left I snuggled up in my bed with my book and Sex and the City reruns. I thought to myself “Right now, I am ok!” I felt great. A lot of things that I needed to resolve in my head were resolved (don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of other things I need to solve). I read a few chapters and then I realized I was lonely. I wanted to go home.

The home I pictured?? CLAD’s

Enough Said.

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11 thoughts on “Growing

  1. Sorry – I know folks more obsessed with HP than you. 😉

    *hugs*

    I know it won’t convince you, but it ISN’T your fault. You may not have anticipated her every need, but in a relationship, you shouldn’t have to. Communication is two-way and if somebody needs something, they need to fucking speak up. We aren’t mind readers, and nobody should expect us to be. You’re not a mind reader, nor should you be. If Jenn didn’t say anything, then that’s on her shoulders.

  2. Embrace that feeling of OK!!

    Even though you asked not to, I’m going to say it anyway – it’s not your fault. You can take partial blame if you want because marriage is a two way street. But commitment means COMMITMENT. Hashing through the bad stuff and not seeking a quick fix in another person.

    You’re a good girl, Heidi. I wish you much happiness!

  3. It’s okay to feel what you feel. I will say that it makes me happy that somewhere you are looking at it from our perspective and seeing how we’d respond. It shows that you are seeing your situation from different points of view, which is important to the evolution of an end. Listen to Jaime though, she’s wise. A relationship takes TWO–unless there’s a psychic involved 😛
    You’re an amazing woman and keep telling yourself that. Fake it until you make it, girl. ❤

  4. I think that it’s understandable and completely healthy to be able to find blame in your own actions. I know that you know that both of you are to blame and both of you are responsible for the resulting end of your relationship. It takes two, right? I know that my actions or lack of have caused big issues in my relationship, the difference is that my wife told me about it just before she was about to give up. It was very hard to hear, but I am thankful that she did, even though it hurt terribly.
    You are very fortunate to be able to talk with Jenn and get some answers to your questions. You are doubly blessed to have CLAD and that you are able to process what’s happening and feel what you’re feeling in a safe and loving place.
    I continue to be so incredibly proud of you.

  5. I was always told it always takes two. I don’t know about that. Jenn didn’t fall out of love with you. No way. And she doesn’t love the new one either. Jenn loves Jenn. Whether it’s a man to a woman or the other way around, for the most part, when they say “I love you” they are really saying that they love themselves and they “want” you. Think about it. You wouldn’t have done this to her. Why? Because true love is sacrificial. True love would die for the other person. Thats you. If you don’t believe me thats ok. Time will tell. When the lust (not love) wears off, then watch what Jenn does.

    Now you owe me $100.00 because I’m a real shrink.

  6. i know you’ve said there won’t be any convincing, but im going to repeat what the pp’ers said — this ISNT your fault, it takes TWO to make a marriage succeed or fail. if Jenn needed something else from you, she should have said so. how the hell were you supposed to read her mind??? cheating behind your back is NOT cool, is NOT mature, and was NOT the solution. even if she wanted out of the relationship, going about it in this manner was awful. no matter what you did, no matter what “wrongs” you committed, you didn’t deserve that. ♥

  7. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! I think you have taken very good care of Jenn…..look at all of the time she was not working? really? you know after you are a couple for sometime (I’m on the 23rd year) you sometimes FORGET the little things but the big things are there…….sorry it’s still not your fault why didn’t jen ever say something? I mean come on you guy were together for sometime……..

  8. Tara, I was joking about the $100.00. But you know what? There is something about Karma. What goes around “will” come around. I pity the fool. Nah, when, not if, it will happen.

  9. I agree with all of these comments!! Jenn is miserable right now and soon she will realize it wasn’t your relationship that made her miserable it is her being unhappy with where she is at her age and what she has accomplished or not accomplished. She took the easy way out. And I am just hoping Karma comes sooner than later…. Love you

  10. There are many wise commenters who care so deeply for you… I think if nothing else it is testament to the kind of person you are– a wonderful one! I can imagine that it would be hard for you to hear everyone putting Jen down (because you still love her) but there is a lot of truth to what they are saying. I agree with a lot of what is said but this is my twist on it.

    I understand that it is easier and maybe even a little comforting to take responsibility for the demise of your marriage. Because if you think you are at fault, then next time, you think you can do things differently. It gives you a sense of a control. Because this kind of shocking break up completely takes one by surprise and makes you question everything. But the truth is, it is a decision Jenn made, 100%. If you took “better” care of her, anticipated her needs more, had loved her more (as if THAT was possible!) etc… this likely would have still be happening. Because Jenn made the decision alone. Without you. You had no control.
    It is important to be able to make sense of what happened as one way to process the loss of your relationship. But I think it is really important that you allow yourself to include other possibilities as explanations. Like that sometimes people betray those that they love. That we only have control over our own actions and not those of our loved ones or anyone else. That unconditional love is strong and powerful. Because to me, that is a lot of how you are moving forward on this journey– your unconditional love for Jenn has made it possible for you to accept as much as you have, to love without rage, and to keep taking baby steps forward.
    You are strong. You are surround by love and support. I am so happy that you are finding healthy ways to feel ok, that Jenn is having conversations with you that are giving you comfort, and more importantly, answers. I hope that you have a good therapist who can help you talk through this as you move through the many more emotions that you are sure to have. You are doing amazing at moving through this, but whatever you do, don’t stop being kind to yourself. make sure to heap some of the compassion you are showing Jenn, on to yourself.
    xx from here…

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