Two steps back

I was reflecting on my drive home from the Christmas tree farm.  I have avoided reflecting a lot, because I don’t often like the reflection I see.

I was reflecting on the fact that this Christmas seems…fun.  Full of love and life and joy and all the different emotions that Christmas is supposed to fill you up with.

I was reflecting and then I gasped.  I almost had to pull the car over.

I was reflecting and I began to feel guilty.  I shouldn’t feel this way.  I should be sad and dreamy.  Wishing for the only thing missing from my life.

I began reflecting on something new.  This will be the third Christmas.  First Christmas was spent drowning my sorrows in a bottle.  Second Christmas was filled with smiles and dreams of what might have been.

I began reflecting on what I want this Christmas’s theme to be.

I reflected on love.  The love I have for those around me.  The love I have from my family both close and far.  The love I have for my wonderful wife who has never been anything but wonderful.  The love I have for a little boy who is missing.

I reflected on if that statement was true.  Is he really missing?  Is he right where he should be?

I reflected on the fact that I am not mature enough yet to believe that.

I reflected on this Christmas and how I will let it be filled with joy.  There will be real smiles on my face.  Real love in my heart.  Real joy in our lives.  Yes, a big piece will be missing to our eyes.

I reflected that that big piece will never be missing in spirit.

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