There is no rhyme or reason to this post. It is mostly me getting thoughts out and down so that some of the screaming voices inside my head shut the hell up.
Last night Jenn and I, with the ever so gaggingly* wonderfully positive Lyz along for moral support, went to an…an…oh hell.
AN ADOPTION SEMINAR.
There, I said it. I said the A word “out loud”. It seems to be that our focus has mostly shifted to the A front. (What? I said it once, isn’t that enough??)
There was so much information. So much. I honestly left liking “A” less than when we had gotten there.
Let me back track here. We are not aiming for a newborn take it right home from the hospital “A”. We simply can’t afford that. We are looking to “A” a child (or maybe 2 siblings) near or under the age of 5. Yes, we can be that specific. I’m even pretty sure that we are going to be so specific to say we only want girls.
Now before you go off and judge me that I’m so awful to not want boys, let me give you my reasoning please.
The agency we are going through has one huge pro, and one small con. The pro (other than holding a child in our arms and tucking them in every night)? This isn’t going to cost us a single penny. I totally feel like we are robbing a bank here. But, there is no such thing as a free lunch remember?
The “con” would be that these children are special needs. This could be as minor as … hmmm, what is minor that hurts a poor child. Minor isn’t the word. Lets say it ranges from premature birth, to sexual abuse, to serious behavioral issues, to serious medical issues.
And this would be why I want girls only. I don’t want to run the risk of a boy having hidden sexual abuse problems around my precious nieces. I don’t want to run the risk of Avery and Delaney EVER getting hurt. That is not worth me ever having children. I would rather just be their Auntie then risk any harm to them EVER.
We do get to “choose” the child(ren) that come home with us. If we are not comfortable with their records/past/whatever, we of course have the right to say no. In fact they highly encourage this.
And where do we go from here? Well as we are in the process of moving, we move first. Then in May we will begin training. We will do 24 hours of training to be certified in both foster care and “A”. Our homestudy will be done, we will write our autobiography (can I just print the blog?) and then we wait.
And since I try to always be 100% honest here…can I share one of the superficial thoughts that keeps running through my head?? Please promise not to hate me? I know it is a stupid thought, but it is very hard to let go of it, almost harder than letting go of the idea that my womb may always be a barren murderer. I’m sad that we won’t get to use the beautifully perfect names we had picked out for “futurebaby”. So sad in fact that two tears just rolled down my cheek typing that out. One tear sad, the other embarrassed that such a stupid thing is bogging me down. Someone tell me that’s normal?
*Lyz-you know I love you and your positivity!!! I just had to tease you xoxo