My Brain is all A-Jumble

There is no rhyme or reason to this post.  It is mostly me getting thoughts out and down so that some of the screaming voices inside my head shut the hell up.

Last night Jenn and I, with the ever so gaggingly* wonderfully positive Lyz along for moral support, went to an…an…oh hell.


There, I said it.  I said the A word “out loud”.  It seems to be that our focus has mostly shifted to the A front.  (What?  I said it once, isn’t that enough??)

There was so much information.  So much.  I honestly left liking “A” less than when we had gotten there.

Let me back track here.  We are not aiming for a newborn take it right home from the hospital “A”.  We simply can’t afford that.  We are looking to “A” a child (or maybe 2 siblings) near or under the age of 5.  Yes, we can be that specific.  I’m even pretty sure that we are going to be so specific to say we only want girls.

Now before you go off and judge me that I’m so awful to not want boys, let me give you my reasoning please.

The agency we are going through has one huge pro, and one small con.  The pro (other than holding a child in our arms and tucking them in every night)?  This isn’t going to cost us a single penny.  I totally feel like we are robbing a bank here.  But, there is no such thing as a free lunch remember?

The “con” would be that these children are special needs.  This could be as minor as … hmmm, what is minor that hurts a poor child.  Minor isn’t the word.  Lets say it ranges from premature birth, to sexual abuse, to serious behavioral issues, to serious medical issues.

And this would be why I want girls only.  I don’t want to run the risk of a boy having hidden sexual abuse problems around my precious nieces.  I don’t want to run the risk of Avery and Delaney EVER getting hurt.  That is not worth me ever having children.  I would rather just be their Auntie then risk any harm to them EVER.

We do get to “choose” the child(ren) that come home with us.  If we are not comfortable with their records/past/whatever, we of course have the right to say no.  In fact they highly encourage this.

And where do we go from here?  Well as we are in the process of moving, we move first.  Then in May we will begin training.  We will do 24 hours of training to be certified in both foster care and “A”.  Our homestudy will be done, we will write our autobiography (can I just print the blog?) and then we wait.

And since I try to always be 100% honest here…can I share one of the superficial thoughts that keeps running through my head??  Please promise not to hate me?  I know it is a stupid thought, but it is very hard to let go of it, almost harder than letting go of the idea that my womb may always be a barren murderer.  I’m sad that we won’t get to use the beautifully perfect names we had picked out for “futurebaby”.  So sad in fact that two tears just rolled down my cheek typing that out.  One tear sad, the other embarrassed that such a stupid thing is bogging me down.  Someone tell me that’s normal?

*Lyz-you know I love you and your positivity!!!  I just had to tease you xoxo


9 thoughts on “My Brain is all A-Jumble

  1. Good for you…..hope you are up to it…..just remember when you take an older child then you have NO idea what they have been through….sending all of my good wishes to the both of you……..damn just wish I knew of a teenage girl who was pregnant and wanted to give the child away……damn damn….you two would no you WILL be great parents….

  2. Wow H. What a huge step. I know you have written before about how significant this is for you, so first I want to offer huge congrats for being brave enough to attend the seminar and brave enough to share about it with us. I can imagine how hard it must be. You are so strong!

    I don’t fault you in the slightest for wanting girls. (If we were facing the same choices, I think I would similarly ask for a girl.) And the name thing…that isn’t dumb at all. Really it isn’t. Moving on to adoption (which I do a lot in my head, as practice in case I need it to become my reality) involves the loss of so many dreams and ideas I had about what growing my family would look like. And sometimes those small things end up feeling pretty huge.

    One step at a time. I know you are going to be such a wonderful and loving mom. Hell, you already are.

  3. Yay! So excited for you guys! I think that you are awesome and amazingly strong for taking this step, no matter what happens.

    There is nothing wrong with wanting girls, especially for the reasons you have. I totally understand and don’t blame you a bit.

    As far as the name thing, it is not stupid or superficial AT ALL to feel that way. I completely understand feeling like that (as evidenced by my stash of Merry Bows that makes me cry every time I come across it), but please stop beating yourself up about it. I think that this journey of infertility and the decisions you have to make because of it is really one long constant process of letting go of the idealistic way you thought you would have a family. It’s hard, for sure, and it’s crazy how many little things will trip you up along the way.

    You and Jenn will be amazing parents to whatever children come your way.

  4. This is a big step forward! I am happy for you. Adoption of special needs children is an amazing thing. Just think of the poor children you will be helping, who would never have a chance otherwise! (I work with the ones now who are adults that never got adopted). Don’t feel bad about the name thing, it’s not terrible. In fact, I think the name is the only reason I am in such a hurry to have one of my own, I don’t want the name to become popular before I get to use it!

  5. How can we fault you? Especially when in Adoption (as in EVERYTHING), it is so SO important to know yourself, and your limits. Bringing a child home, and then having to abandon him/her and send them into another spin of loss would be so sad and bad for them, that it’s important for you to know this. *hugs*

    And it’s totally understandable to be sad and having trouble let go of the name. *squishes more*

    I hope that this can bring some light into your lives.

  6. wow, exciting news! thanks for sharing with us, i can tell it wasn’t an easy post to write.

    i wanted a little girl too, so no judgment here. aside from the very important point you made, there is just something special about that mother/daughter relationship. i totally understand.

    and as for the names, that makes sense too. its no doubt really hard to let go of the vision you had for how your family would come into existance and begin to contemplate a new reality. its okay to mourn that loss. ♥ ♥

    i think its incredible you are thinking of “A’ing” through this route. the children you bring into your home are going to be very lucky, indeed.

  7. I think this is a great thing– and agree that the two of you will make awesome moms for a child (or children) who really, truly need it. Think of how lucky that kid will be doing all the fun stuff you do with the CLAD kids. And the fact that you can be vocal about the sort of background you want the child to have is a good thing–and it’s logical that you’re specific because you want to make sure all is a good fit.

    I also can understand being sad about having to let go of your favorite, perfect baby names….

  8. That is really wonderful news… You are brave for having written this post– I can appreciate how hard it must have been to write. I have friends who have adopted through public adoption (although the free route here in canada does not necessarily = special needs) and ALL of them had impossibly wonderful experiences. They have beautiful children. I am so excited that you guys are one step closer to having your family. Its amazing…

    I don;t know if you read it or not, but Dan Savage wrote a book called “the kid” (yes, the sex columnist) about his experience with adoption, and honestly, it changed my life. I highly recommend it if you are looking for a good read on the topic.

    I can’t wait to hear your journey unfold… Hugs…

  9. How wonderful to welcome special needs children into your home. As a mother to one myself, they need all the love and acceptance that they can get. Love and acceptance are something you probably have a lot of understanding about. I wish you all the best.

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